Hard To Believe

Chapter Nineteen

TRIGGER WARNING! There will be self-harm in this chapter. If you are uncomfortable with that, skip to the end of the chapter and I'll explain quickly what happened.

Rosemary stared at the lyrics in horror. Davy must have written it. It described their situation perfectly, it was right next to his bed, and she recognized his messy handwriting. She felt sick. How could words be so beautifully written, yet stab her in the chest so brutally to leave her in utter agony?

She understood now. Davy had always loved her. He had begged her to stay with him when he split her heart into two. For the past few weeks, he had been trying to make peace with her if he couldn't be with her. Rosemary didn't want him to call her by her nickname because it made her feel something towards him. Something she never wanted to feel again, and especially not with him. But now, after their argument and after reading his heart-wrenching song, she realized something. That something was love. Every time he called her by his nickname for her, she felt what she once felt two years ago.

Now those feelings were back.

Now she understood why she never felt the same with Russell after seeing him again.

She was not over Davy.

She was still in love with him.

Now she really felt sick. She stumbled to the bathroom, her back crashing into the wall with a loud thump. She pushed herself up and gripped the edge of the sink so tightly her knuckles faded into a snow-white. She peered into the mirror. She never realized how horrible she looked. And no wonder too. She hadn't left the bedroom in days, nor had she eaten during those few days. She had grown very thin. Her cheeks had lost its pink tint and was drained of all colour. Her once tanned skin had turned pale, almost like a grey-white shade. This wasn't right. It was all wrong. Things weren't supposed to turn out this way. She didn't look or feel like herself anymore.

She staggered towards the toilet, fell to her knees, and released whatever the hell was left in her stomach. Which was nothing. As she sputtered out the horrible bile, she started choking on scratchy sobs. With a shaking hand, she flushed the toilet and slumped back against the wall.

"D-Davy," she whimpered. Her back heaved with heavy sobs and gasps for breath as her glittering eyes flushed with more tears. "I'm so sorry. Oh God, I'm so stupid!"

She clutched the paper in her hand tightly in her fist, crumpling it back up the way it was before when she found it. She truly felt foolish. Davy had literally tried everything within his power to at least make peace with Rosemary, but she had always turned him away. She only realized she loved him when she found his song about her.

Davy didn't deserve this. She had caused him so much pain, and she never realized it until then. If she had realized what her feelings were towards him earlier, she wouldn't be in the bathroom, crying pitifully and on an empty stomach. And she really felt pathetic. She could have taken the easy way out. But no.

Oh, how she wished the world would just swallow her up and make her disappear forever without any worry. It wasn't like Davy would care. He felt nothing towards her anymore, and it was her fault. Of course she was hurt when he cheated on her. She had every right to be angry with him. But it was so long ago, and she had held a grudge for two years. Now, she regretted it so much.

Davy wouldn't care if I just left.

So why can't I just relieve him of his pain and die?

Rosemary had never had such thoughts, and it startled her. But she meant it. Without her in the world, no one - especially Davy - would ever be hurt. She screwed up more than he did.