The leaving 11 years on on going stopped up dating for a awhile

It's time let's go

Finally the front door shut, I sat in the car unable to comprehend that I was leaving the beloved garden that I had buried my sorrows in, and found the joy that gave me the daily courage to carry on.
This was the first day of my new life I said to myself, I must see each day as new and walk steadily towards building a life for the boys and until now, I had shut out of my life the mind boggling pain and trauma.
Looking back at the scary moment when in three cars sat three woman two of whom would walk away to get back to their daily lives, while the terror of the second part of my life was about to begin.
I have always wanted to write, not about my life particularly, more about fantasy stories with hero's and heroines.
Or Spiritual stuff,  connecting with Angels, asking the Angelic realms for guidance.
I would like this book to be about coming to understand abuse physical and mental, also I would like to try to keep this book focused on the realities of life more than the following of my spiritual path.
The reason is, is the abuse I suffered may help others to heal, or help people to understand the complexities, shame, battered brain where the brain no longer has a grasp on getting help that doesn't flare up the anxiety of where to begin.

I have written another book focusing more on the spirit world helping me and there will be parts of this book that crosses over to Angels and my unwavering faith in them as well as my Grandmother though I will try to keep the books as separate as I can.

In the early days with my partner whom I'll call Peter we met through work, although we both worked for the same company and in the same building we didn't meet until a union meeting up in the cafe. I was still blind not noticing Peter though he had noticed me.
Every Thursday was the girls night out, friends from where I used to work would meet up at a local pub then go on to a disco pub in cobham, we had been doing this run for about a year bumping into the same lads and girls, ending the night with driving to Tolworth for a burger. This routine happened every Thursday meeting up with a group of lads of which one was Peter. He chatted to me but I was not interested.
At work though we recognised each other one day and fell into chatting more with a Peter coming to my house in the morning on his motor bike to take me to work.
Our lives snowballed from here.
Slowly my friends were dropped off, while going out with his friends went on the up.
The first painful nasty actions happened while we were out in Epsom for some reason Peter ran his shoe down my ankle, at first I thought he'd walked into me, then when I winced he did it again, saying not to be rude. My mind went into freefall what had I said to cause that sort of action. I was not a nasty person or sarcastic, what had triggered his anger. On the way home in the car I ventured to ask the question why had he hurt me? His reply was I had been nasty to him, though he would not talk about it again. That made me shut up, there was something menacing.
The Angels have been with me every step of the way, plus my beloved Grandma long gone in the spiritual world passing away in 1983. It is safe to say that there were times when I thought there was nobody around me to help. Everything in my World was dark black, no light filtering through not even an orb of light. It was in these dark moments that I remembered that I hadn't been asking for guidance from the Angels. Once I got in the swing of asking day and night for help with this & that, my life and the imagery around me became easier to see and feel.
In my dark despair I argued with myself over how to carry on, or even should I carry on. Despair is incredibly damaging, ego builds up images and words that fill your mind all leading myself into a spiral of further unknown self hate, self destruction, self harm. There is no end to the bitter taste left by ego and darkness.

I thought that most days I was coping quite well, what I learnt as time went by was that I had become blinkered to the world around me. This blinkering helped me stay focused on what was necessary to survive. Each day in the beginning was tearful. The tears were fighting to learn quickly how to talk to telephone operators which out the putting the phone down on me or fighting to fill in forms for the Council to help me with my rent. I knew nothing of this world and it hit hard that I was totally ignorant that the Council Staff would instantly think I was hiding something from them, I never knew how to fill in the forms as the words seem to jumble up. I can read yet my head turns everything into a mess when I fill the forms out often writing everything in the wrong order. Tears would flow here to from my exhaustion at not being able to convey the difficulties I was having getting money or any sort of help. Over the next three and a half years I went with out to make sure the boys were fed. They both went to cubs as I was told it was free to those that can not pay, then onto scouts. This was a great relief, I also managed to get the younger lad into football after school club as all his friends went. It was important to try to keep up a few things that they could join in with.