Chapter Four:
One of the best things about having a memory are the feelings that you get to recollect the moment your mind starts reliving it. That summer camp of ’96, I saw the most angelic girl my eyes could ever possibly see. I had just caught Justin’s heavy, earth shaking pitch when I turned and right there in the near distance, was a young girl with dark brown hair and light brown eyes that can penetrate the deepest parts of your soul. Her parents had just dropped her off, I assumed. And as the sunlight magically interacted with the skin on her face in a way a young boy could have never imagined, my heart stop beating for the first time.
Then, suddenly, everything began slowing down. The wind on her hair, the formation of her smile. The way she hugged her parents good bye. I was place in an unbelievable trance where only a few people were allowed to go and if Justin hadn’t thrown another hard one on me, I think I would have stayed there until the end of time.
Fast forward a few years and I found myself hopelessly not being able to breathe whenever she’s around again. And what’s worse was this time, Bianca and I have been best friends for over three years. We’ve even celebrated our third year anniversary—which I’m guessing is a girl thing since I have no idea what it absolutely meant. And what’s worse, I let myself give in to it. The reason why I have allowed myself to undergo through these serious death defying epidemics, I don’t know. For what it’s worth, those will always remain as a grieve mystery to me.
Such a roller coaster ride it has been since then. I knew I had it bad the moment I allowed her to carelessly fast slap my six stringed Jens Ritter bass guitar like a little child. It was like my brain didn’t register what my eyes were seeing and instead of twitching like I would normally do, I just smiled thinking how cute she was.
I know! I am very much aware that these feelings were way too much for my incapable brain to comprehend. I’d toss and turn and glare at the ceiling until the indigo skies would look like it was on fire again. Then as if on cue, I’d find myself thinking about her. I cannot tell you how serious my situation was. I’d lost my ability to analyze things and the new found feelings were now tough to grasp. It was like the thought of girls have become my kryptonite and the more I get closer to it, the weaker my body became. Life, I’ve learned, is always unpredictable. For who could have known that I would someday be in this mess?
I tried to shake off the lingering feelings that won’t stop bothering me night after night, but somehow, they just kept coming back. So after much consideration, I went to consult one of the smartest, slickest, most discerning men I have ever known, my eight year old little brother, Evan.
“So, what are you here for?” My brother asked as he willed his chair to face me. His room was dark. He had switched off the lights leaving just his night light on to make it look more dramatic—according to him. I would laugh inside but I know that what I’m going through was no laughing matter.
“I don’t know.” I confessed, “I can’t stop thinking about her!”
“So, this is a girl thing..”
“I guess.”
“Interesting.. Won’t you tell me more.” He was acting like a professional love guru, rubbing his chin over and over again as if he had beard on. I knew he was intensively listening to everything that I was saying. Nodding his head up and down, saying the words, “I see.. I see..” whenever he could. Now, just to inform you, my brother and I are very close, despite our nine year difference and I living thousands of miles away so this was a very good bonding experience for us.
My talk with him that night placed a smiled in my heart. A smile that no distraction, no forceful matter can ever erase. He actually had his best suit on. He had a clipboard and a pen on his hand and it made him seem like he was actually noting everything down. In all honesty, the sight of him would make any older brother proud.
“What we have here is simple..” He told me after I’ve said my story. “After analyzing every single thing that you’ve just said, big brother, I believe….” he got rid of his clipboard and walked towards me. Both his hands stretched to the cheeks of my face, “that what you have is a serious case of the butterflies..”
“Excuse me?” I said through fish face, his hands still tightly pressed on my cheeks. I looked at him confused and awkward at the same time but it was then when he uttered out the words that forever shook my world,
“You’re in love, big brother. Madly. Deeply. And crazy in love.”
In his words, something inside of me ticked. And immediately, I felt a flash of defensiveness. But I stopped myself before I could say anything more. I just don’t get how those signs had resurfaced in front of my brother with so much clarity. While it took me more than three years to figure it out. I admit, there are just some things that were clearly beyond my understanding.
But how could I have let this happen? How could I have let my heart fall into something so dangerous? So frightening beyond compare? Now alone in my room, I began to reminisce all the times I’ve spend with Bianca over the past few years. Then my thoughts shifted to how my condition was during the years that we were apart. Her soft, amazing smile would pop in every now and then and I’d find my heart jumping uncontrollably inside my chest. Was my eight year old little brother right? Can an eight year old really grasp the full meaning of what love really is? Well, I was eight when I thought I was in love with Bianca—I mean, I was eight…..when I fell in love with Bianca. I lay awake in my room with the vision of my little brother and I talking playing right before me.
“Love?” I swallowed a lump on my throat,
“Yes, big brother, Love. L-O-V-E—”
“But that’s impossible—”
“Oh, stop fighting it, brother! Don’t you get it? You’re in love! And didn’t it ever cross your mind that maybe all the years that you and this girl were apart just caused you to unknowingly long for her more? So when you saw her again, everything that was starting to click inside of you exploded like a volcano because the other side of you clearly understood that the more you learned about what love really means, the more you realize that it’s everything you felt the very first time you were caught in her gaze.”
Wow. I wish I was that smart when I was eight.
Evan had said it all. Like he knew exactly what I was going through. And what’s worse is that, I can’t Jedi mind trick my way out of it.
I decided to meet up with Bianca the next day, since she, too, was also staying in California. We met at a local Starbucks. But now that I know what I really feel about her, my mind immediately took a mental note of how the place lit up the moment she entered. I was looking at her in a very different way now. A way a person who’s crazy in love should look. She didn’t detect that I wasn’t being myself at first, but as the day unfolded in front of us, it was then when she figured that something was up.
“You okay there, Gartrell? You’ve been awfully quiet today.” She said concerned as we walked arm in arm by the park.
“Oh, c’mon. Were you not my best friend for the past three years? You know very well that I’ve always been quiet.”
“Yes. But not like this.”
“I’m okay. Don’t worry.” I told her, but the tone of my voice gave me away,
“No you’re not.” She said, stopping me, “C’mon, Mark. Tell me what’s wrong.”
What’s wrong? I just realized that I’m in love with you. And you’re making me fall even more, that’s what’s wrong! I wanted to tell her but I didn’t. I just met her gaze and gave her my word that nothing was wrong. It was the first time I had ever lied to her and I hated doing it.
“Fine.” She said her eyes drifting through the trees then back at me, “I trust you.” As if I wasn’t feeling bad enough already. Bianca took my huge glasses off from my face and wore it. She looked so cute. She really wears it better than I could ever do and I couldn’t help but smile. Her fragrant aroma got me standing there frozen, with absolutely nothing to say.
We spent the next two weeks together. And I have never felt so good about everything. I was excited before, yes. But not like this. I began to notice the distinct glow she’d have whenever she’d talk about her day. Now, I know that I was completely blinded prior to that ‘realization’. I’d smile to myself every time I’d hear her voice. It sounded like a heavenly chorus, and I’m not even talking about her singing voice yet. Now that would take you to another universe like it has been taking me.
“I have gone completely mad! Should I tell her? What if it just destroys everything? I don’t want that to happen! Tell me what should I do?” Once again I found myself lying inside a dark bedroom with a small lamp that casts a shadow across my little brother’s face. This time he was dressed up like a surgeon. With the gloves, a mask and all. I don’t know why he even decided to dress up like that. It scared me like he was about to cut my heart out to give it a proper beating.
“Dear 17 year old brother, so wise yet so, so stupid.” –ouch, that boy sure knows how to hit it to you. “Tell her while you still can or forever live your life with a regret of wondering what might have been.”
I looked at him as he towered over me, my ears could not believe what I just heard.
“Where do you get these stuff?” I asked him still confused.
“Mom’s romantic comedies. I don’t understand them, but they’re fun.”
I looked at him and just shrugged.
I offered to drive Bianca to the Airport the day she was supposed to leave for the Philippines. By this time, my thoughts have already drained the life out of me, and with her playfully dancing to the tune of my band’s music, it made it hard for me to concentrate on the road. And she was once again wearing my glasses, so I had to squint my way through heavy traffic just to make sure that we were going on the right way.
“Something’s bothering you.” She told me as we reached LAX,
“Bothering me? No, nothing’s bothering me.” I told her defensively.
“Stop lying, Mark Gartrell! I’ve known you long enough.”
Maybe it was the way she’d said it or maybe it was just me. But I fell silent almost immediately and found myself staring at the window of my car.
“I’m just going to miss you, Bianca.” I confessed, “Two weeks went by like a single minute.”
Bianca looked at me with those gentle eyes and then wrapped her arms around my neck.
“When you get back home, I will make you the best pasta you will ever have and we will spend the night gazing at the stars, with Starbucks coffee, of course. Then after that, we will watch the sun as it majestically reach the clouds.” She said, her eyes looking right at mine. I smiled knowing that this girl was the best girl I have ever met. I pulled her close for a hug and realized how I could just stay that way forever.
