Thursday, January 7th, 2016
Bey's POV
"Babe, I'ma go to the Burger King down the street." Shawn said when my therapist stepped out of her office. She looked at me and flashed a smile.
"Okay." I replied standin' to my feet.,He kissed my lips then left.
"Hi, Beyoncé." Monica greeted wit' a bright lovin' smile. Her smile could make anyone smile, no matter what their mood is.
"Hey, Monica." She held her door open and I walked in. I sat on the couch and she sat behind her desk.
"How are you?" She asked curiously. "How was your mini vacation to...where did you go again?"
"I went to New York City."
"Oh, yes!" She smiled. "The city that never sleeps, the big apple! How was that?"
"It was good. Really good!" I smiled remembering New Year Eve night. It was one of the best times of my life! We spent the entire day explorin' New York. When nightfall came we were in Time Square and it was so crowded. But it was fun nonetheless. We counted down as we watched the ball drop. For the first time, I had a New Year kiss. It wasn't any different than any other kiss, but we got to share that moment together.
We got back to the hotel room at two o'clock or something like that. And like we said, we'd bring in the new year havin' sex. It was good, but weird because I had to get used to the new position. Doggy style. It reminded of his birthday party when he playfully bent me over. I started laughin' in the midst of him slidin' in and out of me. He laughed, too, when he realized why I was laughin'. I think that position will be his favorite.
"Why really good? What did you do?"
"Uum." I smiled widely.
"You're smiling, very bright."
"Monica, can I ask you something?"
"I'm supposed to ask you the question."
"Well, what I want to ask.. the question is about me."
"Okay, ask me."
"On the way plane ride back to home, I was thinkin' about what I've been through and what happened in New York. Like thinkin' really hard. I was sexually assaulted for a while, but in New York... I had sex. Is that weird? Is that... normal?"
"Beyoncé, no two people are alike. Every man different from the next and so is every woman. No one reacts the exact same way as the next person. We all react differently to different experiences and situations."
"So I should haven't shut down and felt uncomfortable around guys?"
"There's no right or wrong answer for that. Some women do shut down and close themselves off from the world. Some women lose themselves and turn for the worse. And some women continue to live their life like it never took place. We're all different."
"That's me and I'm not sure why."
"Did you want yourself to shut down and trust no one?"
"I don't know, but I feel like I should have."
"Why?"
"Because that's what I've seen. I guess that's what they want me to see."
"Who is they?"
"TV, society, social media and stuff. That's all they really show, like Law and Order. Women that shut down after bein' assault or raped. They shut down and change their lives."
"That's TV, and this is real life. It's okay to be strong and trust people despite your assault. There's nothing wrong with that just like there's nothing wrong with shutting down. Both are natural reactions and you shouldn't feel bad for being a strong woman and a woman shouldn't feel for not being as strong."
"Durin' the time I was being assaulted, I was still attracted to Shawn and turned on by him. My body and mind had been through so much, but my body still reacted to him- all the time. And even before we had sex, we did some things."
"Things? Things like what?"
"Like.. oral sex. I was so nervous and scared because of what happened to me. But he wanted to show me the difference."
"Show you the difference between what?"
"Pain and pleasure."
"And did he?"
"Yes. It was so strange at first, like, I was uncomfortable. I guess that's because I was think actually thinkin' about John and Chico.. Shawn called my name while he was.. you know, but I just kept my eyes closed. I couldn't bring myself to open them."
"And why is that?"
"I was too afraid of seein' their faces."
"Did you ever open your eyes throughout the entire time?"
"Yes. He called my name again and told me to look at him. It was the tone of his voice. That's what made me open my eyes. I looked into his and I saw him. At the moment, I was able to actually feel. Slowly but surely, I let go. He told me that this is what pleasure was and that he wasn't goin' to hurt me."
"Did you believe him- do you believe him?"
"I do.. It felt completely different, and deep down, I knew that he wasn't goin' to hurt me."
"You've experienced things sexually with your boyfriend after the abuse and you want to know why you haven't closed yourself off?"
"Yes."
"Why?" She asked me lookin' for me to actually answer my own question.
"I don't know." I said shruggin' my shoulders. "That's why I pay you."
"My job isn't to tell how you feel or what to think. I'm here to help you open up and make you think for yourself, to help you expand things in different aspects. So, you met Shawn when?"
"When school started. We met at the gym."
"What happen?"
"He was kinda rude," I laughed rememberin' what Shawn said to me. "but that was because I was askin' so many questions. I couldn't help it. He was interestin' and I had a feelin' that he was dealin' wit' something heavy."
"And was he?"
"Yes. I could tell by the way he played that day. He was kinda standoffish, but I didn't care. It reminded me of myself."
"How so?"
"Basketball is my outlet. Whatever I'm feelin'; sad, mad, hurt, upset, disappointed. I take it out on the court. I can be really aggressive, or I'm really focused. I saw that in him immediately."
"How'd that go?"
"Days later, we met up and played ball again. Just shoutin' around, he helped wit' my form. After the game, we went our separate ways. I went home and.." I paused..
"What happened when you went home?" I just looked at her. She knows what happened.
"Beyoncé, in order to move forward you have to acknowledge what was done."