Inspired Thoughts

Constant Company

Is it bad to just want to be in a dark room, alone with your thoughts and not have to function. Not have to worry about smiling or keeping tabs on anyone but just have time for yourself?

I'm never alone here, I can never have time to myself where I can just think, cry and be content like I would be able to at home with my own room. I can never let my thoughts consume me, so they all pile down on me and become a jumbled mess where I can't make any sense.

I live with my grandmother now and I take care of her but there is only one bedroom and one bed, but she's always talking to me, always needing my attention but sometimes...sometimes I want to check out, I don't want to be here and be forced to be company. I understand why my brother was constantly out at the park or with friends but I'm not like him, I'm an introvert that loves to be inside. I wish I could check out so I wouldn't have to deal with the social issues of talking. My grandmother is an outgoing and talkative person while I am not, I like to be silent and listen but sometimes listening and talking is a physical chore. One that I feel I have to do everyday because each day I wake up more tired than the last because all she wants is for me to talk when all I want is silence and do what I wish to do. And whenever I get frustrated, she doesn't leave me alone to deal with it myself but tries in vain to help when in reality she just makes it worse.

I love my mama to death but sometimes I just want to read on my phone or catch up on YouTube or just something besides watch tv with her or knit with her, sometimes I want to lay in her bed since she has no couch and I'm constantly hunching over in the chairs she has. So sometimes I resort to laying on the floor while charging my devices.

I love to hear her talk about her past but when she talks about something I'm not interested in on tv, I want to groan and roll my eyes. Or when she says something wrong or misleading and doesn't believe she's wrong I just huff and try my best to correct her. Yet she continues on until I manage to convince her and then it repeats. I try my best to hold my anger in but sometimes I snap and she sees my built up frustration and anger

I love her dearly but I wish I had time to myself but the only time I get is the time when I sleep or I'm in the shower. That's so very little time to myself.

Is it bad to want to be alone? I have no sense of calm anymore since it is rude to have your headphones in and listen to music or be on YouTube while being company in a little home. I don't wish to be rude or ignore her but sometimes I need to be in my makeshift alone time. She doesn't realized she is forcing me to be company but I don't have the heart to tell her I want to be alone.

A/N so I wrote this while trying to brush my teeth or something in the bathroom and my mama comes in and starts talking to me. I wanted to burst down in tears from the frustration.