Keep Walking

Beautiful nightmare

Lately my dream have been replaying beautiful moments that me and him had.
Like a movie playing sweet moments only until you wake up realizing that its just a dream and a memory.
I don't sleep much anymore and not because I'm fooling around on the internet or anything like that.
I'm just metaly scared to fall asleep anymore. It's like a spinning wheel of pain that keep going and going without mercy.
My new habits is now waking up and just breaking down in pain and anger.
How foolish was I to give my body and my heart away to him..how dumb and pathetic it was for me to do that....
I remember his sweet hand laying on my cheek. Slowly his thumb rubbing my cold cheek as he stand on the school bus step as I sat in the front seat with my eyes close feeling his warm touch.
His cologne burning into my nose and mind as I will always recognise. And in this moment opening my eyes seeing his beautiful blue ocean eyes looking back mine.
Then watch it all slip away from me when I begin waking up and realizing I miss his touch.
His voice...his everything..
I can't even describe the rush of pain and heartbreak that eat away at my broken soul once my eyes open.
The trust I finally gave to someone I trust and love as I truly open up for once in my life.
The everything I gave him...everything.
Why? I ask myself everyday. A question I know he will never answer .
It just never stop!
I can't take it but in the end I try to get use to it.
Like I always do. But its not working anymore.  Nothing! I try everything but nothing is working anymore.
I open myself fully to him with no hesitation! With my trust, happiness , and also my heart....
He really Fuck me up...bad..I'm trying so hard not to think about him or even believe he ever existed in my life.
But once someone says or something show the name Doug I completely shut down and fall apart again.
I think once again why...
I try looking for someone new. Someone who will love me right but I feel like I would be cheating on him and my love I still have for him.
So now every night I pass out around 5 or 7 in complete fear of falling into my dreams with evil tricks of making me believe we are still together.
That he is in love with me...
Monday me and a friend want to lunch together at this lovely restaurant eating peacefully until she ask what happens between me and him.
I try to keep my cool on the outside but on the inside I was falling apart again.
I tell her half of everything not wishing to remember the sweet moments we had.
In the middle of talking I notice her expression want to a sweet and calm look to shock and pure sadness.
Until I heard what seem to be a drop of water I soon realize my emotions spilling out with my tears falling into my soup.
I drop the I hate him act and the I'm over him act and fall apart infront of her.
She was shock to see me fall apart for a person which I never did.
"You really loved him"
Coming from a woman who is in true love with her husband said a lot to me but I knew deep down she was right.
When the truth hurts...