It was a sleepless night. I've had many. They aren't viewed as rare. Its been a natural occurrence for as long as I can remember. Those nights where sleep doesn't seem to exist. Not the term, not the feeling, not the craving. It was a absent part, and it still is. This night, was, and still very much is affecting me. I had hurt the one thing I had ever loved more than life itself. I hurt the one person I considered, and still do, to be a goddess walking among mankind. I took this beautiful masterpiece. A work that no man could ever replicate, not because of her complexity, but because her beauty was rare, and man couldn't touch it. But this masterpiece, this fragile and beautiful human being, gave me an honor that I considered the highest I could ever have. The honor was to be hers. To be the one that says I love you to her, that gives her butterfly and Eskimo kisses. I was the one who's name she would call when she was tired, and it was my heart that melted when I heard that voice. That symphony of a voice that calmed every hostile, or sad emotion in me. A voice that told me I was loved. I hurt her. I took her trust and faith and crushed it. Because I'm a selfish asshole. Because I made the worst choice in my entire life, and that was betraying her.
I hunched the over the desk. My head hung low from exhaustion, my heart hurting from a lack of rest, my stomach churning because I haven't eaten. I was worried. I was in a constant state of panic. Even though I hurt her, her safety is all I care about. I refused to rest until I she told me she was okay, but even after I refused because I hated myself so much for my actions that I viewed this as punishing myself. I lit the bowl, holding in my breath so the THC would stay in longer, and id be higher quicker. If I wasn't high after this, I'd smoke a cigarette to help elevate it as much as I could. That's all I did last night. Drink, smoke weed, and smoked half my age in cigarette cartons. All I had wanted to do was hold her. To let my hands run through her hair and hold her close as we were wrapped in each other's arms. To softly peck her lips so I could hear her dazzling giggle, only instigating me to kiss her more and hold her tighter. To his her perfect fingers. To see at her across the room as she put the beauty In her mind on a piece of paper. Whether it was landscapes, us or random sketching. To kiss her cheek softly as she reads Pride and Prejudice. To cheer her on when she sings My Girl, even if she hated her voice. I love everything she hates about herself. I love her curves, her glasses, her long dark hair. I'd take the videos shed send me, and constantly play them on loop so I could fall asleep to her voice. So I could relax enough to sleep. I had this. I was the luckiest man in the world, and I threw away my happiness. Her love, is a love I can't live without. Her love was so powerful it created a man who could love himself. Every flaw I had, she thought as perfection. My stubbornness, jealousy, illness, depression, anger. Every single horrible emotion that was displayed were emotions she helped me tame. Emotions she erased from existence with just a few words "I love you Jacob". To be able to hear her say that to me again. To be able to be the one who comes home to her after long days. To be the lucky guy she cuddles into at night when she's cold and wants warmth and love. To see her face when I open my eyes first thing in the morning. To laugh and celebrate with as our child takes their first steps and smiles with happiness.
I've done wrong. I do not deny that. A man does not do what I have done. Not to the people he loves and holds close. But I pray that I have a chance to make up for everything I've done. To get the chance of sleeping with her over the phone. Things like that gave me purpose, but I hurt someone who would have given me the world. Who truly and madly loved me.
Trinity. I regret this. Please know I hate myself for everything I've done. A hate that shakes the bones in my body. I'd give anything to be yours again.
I love you Trinity.
