opia; matty healy.

15%

Wednesday feels like a lonely day. I wake up to no texts on my phone and I feel the pang of loneliness hitting me, although I'm consciously aware that I'm anything but. My thoughts switch to Matty and how kind he's been, and how even after only a week and a half I've made a good group of friends who don't seem to hate me yet. It's a triumph that I bask in until I get my shoes on and leave the house.

Outside, Matty is waiting for me as usual.

"Hey," he grins, but I can only nod, "alright?"

"Mhm," I hum, allowing him to wrap his arm around my shoulders and hold me close.

I admit, it feels warm and comforting and part of the pain seems to disappear when I'm close to someone as I am with Matty – but there is still part of me that is confused; about everything, really. I'm not sure where I stand with anyone because majority of me wants to be alone and away from everything and everyone, where I can't be hurt. Another side of me doesn't mind the hurt that comes with associating myself with others, it thrives off the pain.

I let us walk in silence, not saying a word and instead delving deep into my thoughts where Matty can't hear. Truthfully, I can feel myself beginning to cry and holding it back while we walk. I manage to keep myself together. Matty leaves me at my locker to go to his and I stall for a while to avoid being in class any earlier.

It's surprising when someone stands beside me. I can't even be scared of the sudden presence, as if I'm lacking any form of energy or emotion.

"So," Alex finally speaks, "are you gonna sit with me today?"

With everything I'm feeling, I decide that new company may be what I need. A change in scenery, just for one day, see if there's anything more out there for me. I told Matty I wasn't into the popular type, but Alex seems kind. Not kind like Matty is, it's different, but it's still a form of politeness, and he hasn't given up on attempting to make friends with me, so why should I brush him off? A long time ago I vowed to myself that I would let what others think sway my choices, why not make an effort now?

"Yeah," I breathe, "sure – I'm uh, I'm sorry about before, I know I promised."

"Don't sweat it," he says, placing a hand on my shoulder.

I feel a little intimidated by Alex, I won't lie. He's attractive and clearly the target of most girls in the school, I seem to be thinking up the worst-case scenarios.

"I'll see you at lunch," he smiles and removes his hand as I watch him walk off.

I think he's going to use me. I think boys only want one thing, of course, it's what I've been brought up to believe – but how can I convince myself of this when he's trying to be a friend? Matty's experience with Alex does not determine mine, and I won't let it. I've known them both for the same amount of time. I can let my thoughts run wild with theories, but the reality is exactly what's ahead of me. I've been naïve in the past and it's hurt me, but it's a pain I'm beginning to get used to so I let myself continue to be naïve.

The day passes slowly. During Maths I stare at the clock, watching the handles turn and trying to match my timing to when the handle ticks. I succeed. I don't succeed in completing any work in the first few hours of the day. I'm finding distractions in the smallest of things to keep from focusing on the things around me, and it's worked: until lunchtime.

Alex is standing outside of my classroom when the lunch bell rings. I find this odd at first but brush it off quickly, smiling and following conversation with him. He asks about my class, I tell him it was fine. For one reason or another I find that I can't talk to Alex the way I speak to Matty or George, or Chelsea or Erica. I watch my every word, and something about it doesn't feel right. I shouldn't be doing so, and yet I am.