So I disappeared for like 5 months, sorry. I has a lot happen to me while I was gone though!
So I started dating this girl across the world and I loved her very much. Then I found out she and my best friends sister were flirting and I was so hurt and she tried to tell me that she and the girl were just joking around, so I forgave her. We were good for awhile but then I noticed she was flirting with a few girls online and calling them her wife and shit and I was hurt again but I ignored it. Then apparently she got in trouble and couldn't talk to me for days and shit. So finally she told me she forgot about me and if we didn't talk every day she would forget about me again. Now that hurt worse then the "cheating" and lying. I mean damn I thought you cared about me! I thought about you every fucking day. Anyway then she just stopped talking to be for like three weeks and I found out she had like two other girlfriends, so I decided the best thing to do was break up with her. And I did. I felt horrible but I mean I was cutting and feeling like shit through out the relationship anyway, so why not hurt completely alone right? Anyway we stayed friends for awhile but I haven't talk to her for like a month and she hasn't posted since august 29 on her social media... I hope she's okay.
So I also lost my best friends. She had just came back after being gone for a long time and she was killed in a car accident. I still miss her so much she was my best friend, my crush, and my queen. She helped me when I was sad and I loved her so much. Why does God/the universe have to take away beautiful and loving people? Man I could go one hours talking about her but I don't wanna cry.
I lost another friend (the friend whos sister was sexting my ex girlfriend). He got mad cause his sister got sent to some kind of reform school because of what she did. I don't even know if he was real tbh. Like he said he had to personalities and one was Jake and the other was Jacob, like what? I mean but he was my first friend so I didn't want to lose him but its whatever.
I tried to kms once lmao to bad it didn't work
Wtf is even my sexuality? (reference to danisnotonfire) I mean seriously though! Like I'm sexually and emotionally attracted to girls but I feel only emotionally attracted to certain guys. I mean I find guys hot but think about having sex with one again kinda makes me sick at my stomached... Like I would be wonderfully happy with having a relationship and holding and kissing and making out with a guy but I don't think I could look at his dick without gagging. But with a girl I would be happy to being a relationship and kiss and make out with them and have sex with them. Is there a certain sexuality like that? I call myself bisexual but I mean I'm not.
I'm about to get edgy and weird so be warned.
I feel so weird, I feel like I'm not here but I'm not gone either. Its so weird. I feel like parts of me, my soul and my mind are missing. I feel light and like I'm floating but I also feel something weighing me down. I feel like I'm dead but here I am writing this. I'm sitting here in my room and I have this strange feeling that I'm not real and everyone I care about is not real. I feel like there are people calling to me for help. I feel like the world and universe is calling me to do something but I don't know what. I don't know who I am anymore. I really don't feel like myself, I don't even feel human and it scares the shit out of me. I feel like a soul that is trapped in a body trying to escape. It's so weird and I haven't talk to anyone about it because my mom already thinks I'm crazy. I have lost all motivation to do anything. I was 140 pounds I dropped down 124/125. I can be bothered to eat when I'm hungry. I've stated to get up and cook my own food because I guess my mom doesn't care. I use to eat like three plate falls of food but I can barely eat a few bites without feeling stuffed. I don't know who I am and I'm so scared. It's not like I want to hurt people or anything, I could never hurt someone. I just cant grasp hold to reality anymore. I stopped watching my favorite Youtubers, I stopped talking to my friends, I stopped listen to my favorite bands for like a good two months. I just feel like I'm nothing. and not in a sad depressed way I mean I literally feel like I don't exist. I've never felt like this before and I don't know what to do. As I write this I'm laying in bed and I just feel nothingness, I feel the quietness, I feel light kinda like I'm floating. I can feel happy and I can laugh and I can cry but once I lay down by myself and turn my computer off I can't feel anything. I try to just let my mind wander and think about funny, cute, weird, scary, and sad things like it use to but now it feel like I have to try hard to think, to remember to do anything. I feel so empty. I really wanna know what's wrong with me and who I am. I know the me I once was is no longer here but I wanna know who the me now is. I wanna be able to feel again without someone else or without a video or without music. What has become of the me that everyone loved?
Anyway I hope you guys are having a good day, I love you all. (I say as no one reads this lmao)
