Even though alcohol has taken over my body, I am still trying to mute the demons in my head. He is here, even after everything that I have been through... that we have been through. I don't know how well I can handle myself around him with alcohol in my body. I want everything and nothing to do with him at the same time. He makes me smile so wide and everything just disappears for a couple short seconds. I cherish those short seconds, longer than I should.
I want him to look at me forever, to come back. His presence is killing me... his smile, his laugh, his everything... Every minute, every second I am killing myself over it. I cut because I feel numb, but today I cut because I feel too much. I'm so confused, I don't know if I like this or I don't, but either way..I'm terrified. I've never experienced a love like this.. is this even love. I feel as though I am imagining things. I want him to stay, I want him to come back, I honestly don't know what I want but I do know that it isn't this. Why does this hurt so much and why is it taking such a toll on my body. I'm not used to feeling like I could shatter in a matter of seconds. He cuts like glass and it feels so god damned good. For once in my life I can feel and it hurts, comforts and disappoints all at the same time. It stings but I can't tell if I like it or hate it.. the most important thing is that I feel.. I feel.. for once. I feel, It sounds so nice to hear. I feel...
I want to be next to you, I want to feel your warmth I don't know if you notice but when I used to lay on your chest I would count your heartbeat. Whenever I get upset or anxious I replay your heartbeat over and over and over again in my head and it FUCKING kills.... it kills. For once in my life, I am publicly announcing that I am not okay. I am not okay. Although on the other hand for once in my life... I don't think I'm afraid... The demons are quiet.. too quiet. Holy fuck... I'm happy...
Am I I'm Happy?...
Fuck.
Do I want to be happy? will I change? will people look at me differently?.. I'm so cut up, so broken, so used. His smile makes me jump thousands of feet in the air without even leaving the ground. I may not be his but I am thankful for being in his life. As little as that may be. Although happiness doesn't last forever, I don't know if I'm ready for change I am so used to being broken, to being shattered pieces of hope, dreams and love on the floor. Will I cut my hands on the glass? Will I enjoy seeing the blood, feel the sting? I'm scared. I don't know if I want to be happy. Wait what does happiness feel like?... does it feel all bubbly and free? Like your'e a bird flying against the wind? Does it feel like you're flying? If that's what it is then I don't know if I understand happiness. Not going to lie that could very well be the wine talking, but my demons are quiet that's something I know for sure.
I don't think I'm ready to be happy... I'm too used to being.. well me.. How do you stop loving someone that makes you feel this way. Hell, how do you stop feeling this way in general. I just want to go back to feeling nothing, absolutely nothing. All I can think about is how sees me, did he ever like me.. and trust me, you damn well know I don't mean my personality even though that's shit too. I'm different, I don't fit his usual type and that is what I couldn't stop thinking about when we were together.. for that short month. Was I even a contender in his circus of relationships? He is sitting in the other room, I can see him, I can hear him. He isn't far... but all I want him to do is walk over here and hold me, kiss me, make me feel like I FUCKING MATTERED. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be like that. I'm just confused even though I know there isn't anything to be confused about, he left. It wasn't even like it was a difficult leaving, he simply said he couldn't handle it. Well, that and the fact that he likes someone else. Both reasons don't surprise me as I beat myself up about it all the time anyways. I know I am a lot to handle, I have the wonderful huge cocktail of illnesses, many rest and rely on my self hatred. Self hatred. That's my reason for not shopping, not socializing, not loving (exception being him), and not really living. It's hard to love doing anything really if you can think of a thousand reasons why complete strangers would look at me, would think about me. Also, him liking someone else isn't a surprise. Hell, I was shocked he even spoke to me. Loved me (if he even did). One thing is for sure, he is breaking my heart into a million pieces without even knowing it.
Can I have a second chance?
