cancer, egd

35.i'm with you

lil vic^^

I lay in the hospital bed. After Ethan dropped my mom and dad off at their houses, he took me back to the hospital. Just as expected him to, he insisted upon staying with me, but he looked so tired. I couldn't let him, so I told him that he should go home and just come back in the morning. I told him I would be here waiting for him in the morning.

I can feel my body failing. I know that the end will soon catch up to me. So quickly, I write out 3 small notes and tuck them under my favorite candle, each of the notes labeled with a name- Mom, Dad, Ethan. I know that it is quite possible that I could die while still stuck in one of my dreams, but somehow while obtaining this information, I mange to fall asleep. I fall into a deep sleep and for the first time in a while, dream of the most beautiful thing there is to dream about, Ethan. But it's not just Ethan, in the dream we have a daughter.

She's beautiful. She has my long, thick, medium brown hair. But she has Ethan's stunning eyes. Her face is soft and her smile is wide, her little teeth glimmer under the sun's rays. She is everything I've ever wanted. We run hand in hand through a meadow filled with beautiful purple flowers.

She laughs and my heart falls in love with the sound. It sounds like heaven to me. Next thing I know, Ethan is with us. He swoops our daughter up and holds her in his arms as he looks at her with such love in his eyes. If this were to be the last thing I ever see, I would die complete. I would die happily.

But this will never be mine.

That's when I wake. My eyes open immediately, a gasp coming from my lips. In previous situations like this, I would be scared. I might even cry if this would've happened to me a few months ago.

But I don't cry this time. I smile.

I am thankful that I was able to see the family I would've had, even if it was just a distant dream. Just because it is a figment of my imagination doesn't mean I can't fall in love with it.

I take a few deep breathes and lift my head up. I look around, slowly taking in the room to find that everything is blurry, everything looks soft and warm. I look to the machines beside my bed, but they are all flashing red. They are making loud and obnoxious beeps, but I can only hear the distant and soft pulses of the sound.

I watch as nurses rush into the room. I feel their hands, their needles, but then I feel nothing at all. I go completely numb and lose all sense of consciousness.

This goes on for a while until everything stops and I hear the words that I have been waiting to hear.

"she will pass gently. she's not in pain, and she's not scared." I feel my fingers interlock with a familiar touch and know exactly who it is. . . Ethan. I listen as he sniffs and takes a deep breath. But I can't say anything to him, I'm not strong enough.

"Hey little bup." He says, he cracks out a laugh, but I can hear the struggle he is having to keep in his sobs.

Hey bup. I wish I could respond to him.

"Man, I remember the day I met you." Another sob hidden by a laugh. "You looked so adorable with that little hospital gown on. The gown itself wasn't flattering, but you made it work. I could never forget about that cute little blush that never seemed to leave your face when I would tease you or compliment you. And I'll tell ya, even with all those wires hooked up to you and all the stress you were put under, you were still the most intelligent, beautiful, and kind hearted person I had ever met. Ha I remember what it felt like to fall in love with you. . . it was slow at first. I was scared to let myself feel that strong of an emotion towards someone in fear of losing them." He struggles with his words, his voice starting to crack, and all I want to do right now is take him and hold him close. Tell him that everything is going to be okay.