Twitter ∞ Dan Howell

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I woke up in pieces - my head, and then my body, and eventually, my eyes. They slipped open and morning light sunk over me, thick and warm and hot like melted butter. I groaned, rubbing my head, letting my eyes close again. Dan, what did you do?  My head didn't feel so good this morning. Last night's festivities had left me an unpleasant souvenir in the form of the wonderful hangover.

I lay there in the sun for a little while, enjoying the warmth, before heaving myself into a sitting position, a headache slowly eating away at my head. I groaned again, taking a deep, sleep-filled breath before rocking to my feet. The room spun momentarily, and so I stumbled into the doorway, supporting myself against the doorframe. I let my head fall back against the wood, taking a moment before I bent down a rummaged for a shirt to throw on.

Phil was in the kitchen, downing a bowl of cereal. He didn't seem to be so affected, but then again, Phil hadn't drunk quite as much.

He glanced back at me as I stumbled into the room. 'Rough night then?' He said, and I shook my head in response. Phil grinned at me. 'You're too old to drink that much, Dan.'

'I know, I know,' I grumbled, taking the panadol out from the cupboard and popping two with a glass of water. I filled up a second bowl with cereal and went to join Phil at the table, sitting down opposite him. We didn't say anything for a while, silence settling over the table. Phil glanced up at me as he finished his mouthful of cereal.

'What happened when you and Meg disappeared when we left the club?' He asked curiously, the cereal crunching in the relative silence of the room. 'I saw you head off down some alley.'

'Looks worse than it was,' I explained, putting down my spoon. I finished my mouthful, folding my hands over each other. 'We just talked.'

'About what?'

'About us.' I sighed, running a hand through my hair. Its curl had held despite not being washed in a few days. 'The thing is Phil, I feel a lot for Meg. I really do. More than friends.'

Phil stared at me, his eyes flicking between mine. 'Right...' He said slowly. 'But Bess?'

'Yeah, I know,' I said. 'But I think that's been over for a while. I mean, not officially or anything. But I've been unhappy with Bess. It's a bad relationship for both of us - we have our highs, but the lows. God, the lows are fucking miserable, Phil. It's unhealthy.'

Phil nodded, considering this. He pushed his bowl away from him. 'Okay. So how are you going to deal with it?'

I took a moment to answer. The truth was, I wasn't entirely sure myself. It's not like things between Meg and I could just go back to those five or so months ago back in Adelaide. We would need to start from scratch, and slowly. Very slowly.

'I don't know,' I admitted, somewhat guiltily. 'But I do know I need to break up with Bess. So that's what I'm going to do today.'

Phil gave me a small, slightly-sad half-smile. 'Good luck,' he said. 'You'll need it.'

I did, in fact, need it. I was standing in front of Bess' house, wringing my hands nervously together. I let air out through my teeth, tapping my feet, telling myself that it was okay and that breakups were a normal part of life. I squeezed my face together and forced myself to knock, anxiety swarming up the back of my neck and then settling somewhere in my chest.

Within a few moments the door swung open, revealing Bess in nothing but an oversized shirt that reached mid-thigh, her long hair wrapped up in a hasty bun. She looked tired. She nodded me in, and so I closed the door behind me.

'Good of you to finally show up,' she said, sniffing, her feet padding on the floor. She collapsed onto her bed, stretching out, and then sat back up. I was standing awkwardly in front of her, unsure of how to start this conversation. She frowned, scrunching her nose up.

'Why are you acting so weird?' She said. She patted the space of bed next to her. 'Sit down.'

'Bess, we need to talk,' I said, my voice quiet, low. This seemed to hit some nerve in her. She sat up a little straighter, tugging her shirt further down her legs.

'What's up?' She asked, somewhat cautiously. She looked between my eyes, stare critical, as if she were trying to read my next words. Her eyes narrowed even further. 'Are you trying to break up with me?' I didn't say anything, and she let out a scoffing sound. She shook her head, let out a breath of ironic laughter, and looked back up at me, anger hovering in her eyes. 'Alright then. Out with it.'

'We're not good for each other,' I started. 'You've got to see that. We fight so much, Bess. We have some great times, but the rest of the time it just goes to shit. We're explosive. It's unhealthy.'

Bess let out an exasperated sound. 'Dan, couples fight. It's normal. Natural. Healthy, even. It can't be good all the time.'

'No, it can't,' I said. 'But normal couples don't fight like this, Bess. I know that. We're too different. We clash too much. I think...I think we aren't suited for each other, not in the long run.'

Bess nodded slowly, her eyes searching the floor in front of her. I could almost see her thoughts turning over and over. 'Is this about Meg?' She asked quietly.

I considered lying. I considered pretending Meg had nothing to do with this, but I figured I owed her at least the truth. 'Yes,' I said, equally as quietly. She let out a defeated sigh as her eyes slipped closed and her shoulders slumped.

'Fuck,' she muttered.

'But it's not all her,' I said quickly. 'At all. Even if Meg wasn't in the picture, we're not good for each other, Bess. I'm sorry. I really am. But that's how I feel.'

Bess nodded, sucking on her lower lip. She let out a long, deep breath, hastily wiping her hand across her face. I felt something inside me crack. 'Fuck, Bess, I'm so sorry. I hope you know this isn't easy for me. I really, really cared about you. I still do. You weren't some stupid fling, alright?' She was crying for real now, big, heaving sobs, so I crossed the distance between us and wrapped my arms around her. She tucked her head into my neck, her wet face pressed against me. I rubbed tears from my own face. We stayed like this for a while, until we'd both sorted ourselves out. She retracted herself from me, wiping under her eyes. She nodded once - quick, strong, and brief.

'Okay,' she said. 'Okay. I can do this. We can do this.' She shook her head, standing. She gave me a stretched smile, her eyes red. 'I'm going to be okay. And so are you. Breakups are a part of life. We're going to move on.' She jabbed a finger into my chest. 'But not too soon, alright?'

I chuckled softly. 'Not too soon,' I promised. She gave me another one of those stretched smiles, only it felt a little less stretched this time. She wrapped her arms around me in a quick, tight hug.

'I'll see you later, Dan,' she said quietly. I kissed her on the cheek, and then we let go, both physically and metaphorically, and I took my jacket and left the girl I'd spent the last few months with. It hurt like hell, but it also felt good, like I'd finally sorted my life out.

I let the air come out through my lips, my eyes slipping closed. It felt very final - it felt right. 

a/n

wow that was sad

:( poor bess

hope you guys liked it! uni is starting up soon, so I'm not going to have as much time to update :/ i'll try my best though!

xx