Final Freedom

Roommate

I woke in a ball on the floor dried tears still on my face. I hunted my phone down to find the time. It lay near the corner I threw it previously "2:57AM 13 new messages 2 missed calls" it's glowing screen read. It chimed to let me know the battery was low. I trudged towards my bed to plug it in then crawled on top of the covers.

I did not sleep again. The ceiling above me has exactly 56 tiles and the tile with the most holes has 19,652 while the one with the least has 15,391. The average number of holes sits around 16,300. I did not dare to check the 13 unread messages, nor to return the calls. They undoubtedly held questions I could not answer. As I lay quiet and motionless my stomach did not. It's sudden rumble reminded me I was still alive if only physically.

It's continued growls admonished my reluctance to eat but I had no movement left within my body. I lay asking permission to move but my body remained stubborn. I struggled to force any movement despite its tenacity but all I managed was to roll from my back to my side. Somehow this failure seemed almost symbolic of my existence. Tears welled in my eyes again as my failures and pitiful half achievements flashed through my head like a shitty movie.

"It's Getting Better" by The Beatles suddenly began to play. I reached over and turned off the alarm but did not move to start the day. I continued staring up at the nineteen thousand six hundred and fifty-second hole wishing my existence could yet cease to have ever happened.

Slowly and mechanically movements began. I stripped my clothes, looking shamefully at the bloody gashes I'd torn through my pants and into my thighs before placing them in the wastebasket. The movement upset the clots that had formed and I felt the warm trails climbing down my legs. I cleaned the streams and wrapped my shame in gauze, hoping to save my next pair. I redressed into an oversized gray hoodie, baggy dark jeans, and an old pair of converse that were in their death throes. As I slipped them on, their familiar shape conforming comfortably to my foot, the sole pulled more from the base of the shoe allowing the world a generous view of the bottom of my toes through the inch wide tear.

I made sure to move the chair from the center of the room and removed the rope. I sat untying the noose and began to wonder what my roommate would say had I forgotten to remove the rope and move the chair. I thought about what she would say if she had found me hanging instead of just an empty rope.

Cold laughter rang in my head as a twisted image appeared in my mind. My roommate Cassandra walking onto my corpse hanging like a disturbing piñata. Laughing as she realized how weak and pointless I really am, relief she's finally free of my bothersome presence. The image remained in my mind's eye, I knew it wasn't what things would really be like but I couldn't stop the images from flowing.

A scratch at the door broke me from my thoughts. Floof, The multicolor stray cat Cassandra has been feeding, wanted his breakfast. I cracked the door to let him in. He happily rubbed against my leg as I moved towards the kitchen to retrieve a bowl and some food. He wouldn't even notice me if I wasn't the one about to feed him. I poured his food and watched him eat before eventually moving to the next part of my routine.

As I left my home I glanced at my face in passing the mirror. Dark puffy circles hung under my eyes, acne spattered my face like angry red eyes watching my response, my gigantic nose dominated my face like a mountain in a flat desert, My too fat upper lip overshadowing my too thin bottom lip, my large forehead and fat cheeks also did not go unnoticed. My boring, shit colored, unremarkable, generic brown eyes stared back at me. Dead and uninspired they were the only thing that truly fit me. I perked up my fake smile like a thief putting on a mask, using it to cover my sad inside hidden identity. The moment the fake smile adorned my atrocious face several hideous wrinkles appeared, but my eyes which had previously betrayed everything, now showed something like a sickly cheer I did not really own like a film projecting onto a screen.