I woke in a ball on the floor dried tears still on my face. I hunted my phone down to find the time. It lay near the corner I threw it previously "2:57AM 13 new messages 2 missed calls" it's glowing screen read. It chimed to let me know the battery was low. I trudged towards my bed to plug it in then crawled on top of the covers.
I did not sleep again. The ceiling above me has exactly 56 tiles and the tile with the most holes has 19,652 while the one with the least has 15,391. The average number of holes sits around 16,300. I did not dare to check the 13 unread messages, nor to return the calls. They undoubtedly held questions I could not answer. As I lay quiet and motionless my stomach did not. It's sudden rumble reminded me I was still alive if only physically.
It's continued growls admonished my reluctance to eat but I had no movement left within my body. I lay asking permission to move but my body remained stubborn. I struggled to force any movement despite its tenacity but all I managed was to roll from my back to my side. Somehow this failure seemed almost symbolic of my existence. Tears welled in my eyes again as my failures and pitiful half achievements flashed through my head like a shitty movie.
"It's Getting Better" by The Beatles suddenly began to play. I reached over and turned off the alarm but did not move to start the day. I continued staring up at the nineteen thousand six hundred and fifty-second hole wishing my existence could yet cease to have ever happened.
Slowly and mechanically movements began. I stripped my clothes, looking shamefully at the bloody gashes I'd torn through my pants and into my thighs before placing them in the wastebasket. The movement upset the clots that had formed and I felt the warm trails climbing down my legs. I cleaned the streams and wrapped my shame in gauze, hoping to save my next pair. I redressed into an oversized gray hoodie, baggy dark jeans, and an old pair of converse that were in their death throes. As I slipped them on, their familiar shape conforming comfortably to my foot, the sole pulled more from the base of the shoe allowing the world a generous view of the bottom of my toes through the inch wide tear.
I made sure to move the chair from the center of the room and removed the rope. I sat untying the noose and began to wonder what my roommate would say had I forgotten to remove the rope and move the chair. I thought about what she would say if she had found me hanging instead of just an empty rope.
Cold laughter rang in my head as a twisted image appeared in my mind. My roommate Cassandra walking onto my corpse hanging like a disturbing piñata. Laughing as she realized how weak and pointless I really am, relief she's finally free of my bothersome presence. The image remained in my mind's eye, I knew it wasn't what things would really be like but I couldn't stop the images from flowing.
A scratch at the door broke me from my thoughts. Floof, The multicolor stray cat Cassandra has been feeding, wanted his breakfast. I cracked the door to let him in. He happily rubbed against my leg as I moved towards the kitchen to retrieve a bowl and some food. He wouldn't even notice me if I wasn't the one about to feed him. I poured his food and watched him eat before eventually moving to the next part of my routine.
As I left my home I glanced at my face in passing the mirror. Dark puffy circles hung under my eyes, acne spattered my face like angry red eyes watching my response, my gigantic nose dominated my face like a mountain in a flat desert, My too fat upper lip overshadowing my too thin bottom lip, my large forehead and fat cheeks also did not go unnoticed. My boring, shit colored, unremarkable, generic brown eyes stared back at me. Dead and uninspired they were the only thing that truly fit me. I perked up my fake smile like a thief putting on a mask, using it to cover my sad inside hidden identity. The moment the fake smile adorned my atrocious face several hideous wrinkles appeared, but my eyes which had previously betrayed everything, now showed something like a sickly cheer I did not really own like a film projecting onto a screen.
I climbed into my frigid car turning on the front and rear defrosters. As I sat waiting for it to heat up my phone suddenly began playing "With a Little Help From My Friends", Cassandra's ringtone. I pulled it from my pocket "C calling accept/decline" I can't avoid talking to her really, but I can try for a little longer.
I tossed the phone into the center console and looked through the half un-frozen windshield wondering if it's enough to be able start driving. "A Little Help From My Friends" began paying again from the center console. I sighed "Fuck it, Avoiding her won't solve anything". I dug out the phone and answered "Bonjour Madame"
"OHMYGODGARGTHANKGOODNESSYOU'REOKAYIWASSOWORRIED-" Cassandra's shrill voice quickly began
"CassieCassieCassie." I said "Slowww down NASA called and they want to know how you managed to talk faster than the speed of light." I said sarcastically
"Very funny Garg, I was worried about you! What was up with that message last night?"
"I was just a little out of it, C, I'm totally fine!" I lied "Promise."
"Sounds about as true as my mom rising from the grave." She replied with a sarcastic edge "I'll interrogate you later, Kay?"
"C, I'm Fi-"
"Ah Ah Ah, Your Masteress has spoken Garg." She interrupted "Are you coming to get me from my parents?"
"Yeah I'm leaving now, See ya soon C."
"Loovve you Garg!"
"So you claim." I Replied sarcastically
"Hey, You bette-"
"Gotta go Cassie! See ya soon" I intergected
"Garg don't you dare hang up without sa-"
*Beep*
I sighed deeply sliding my phone into the center console. I Pulled the car into second because my first gear was worn off. I stalled trying to get out of my driveway but got going on the second try. I made the drive to Cassandra's Parents house in silence, listening to the sound of the engine.
I arrived at Cassandra's parents and pulled my old dying car behind their expensive new luxury cars. I pulled out my phone to let Cassandra know I was here. I opened the text messaging app to tell her and saw the worried messages she'd sent me. You'd almost think she actually cared. As I was reading through them her new message came in-
"I see you sitting there, are you comin in?!"
I sighed then began to type an argument against it. I looked up from my phone to peek at the imposing house in front of me then saw Cassandra's glowing face staring at me through the window. The sight of her sapphire eyes staring at me brought an unexpected genuine smile to my face. I deleted my drafted message and slid my phone into my pocket. I shut off the car and started moving to come inside, as soon as I grabbed the handle Cassandra's face lit up and disappeared from the window.
As I drew within knocking distance the door swung open. Cassandras perfect smile greeted me like a rainbow in a hurricane. Her physical features struck me just they had when I first met her. She's thin to the point I nearly worry but not unattractively so. Today she was wearing jeans and a pair of red converse. Her soft curly hair showed traces of the indigo color she had originally dyed it but was mostly faded to a soft gray. She had delicate cheekbones, a tiny nose, and thin lips but not so thin they were displeasing to look at.
Her eyes were her most stunning feature. She had the type of eyes that seemed deeper than the ocean and filled to the brim with her emotions. They had a perfect almond shape and were a brilliant shade of sapphire you could look into and, if you weren't careful, get lost in forever.
