thoughts.

二十六

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i hated this feeling.

i hated the way you looked at her.

i hated everything you did, 'cause it's always for her.

i hated the way you talk about her like she put the stars in the sky.

i hated walking pass you in the corridor, trying to pretend i'm okay while you're smiling with her.

i hated everything about her, because of you.

don't you see?

she won't ever notice you.

but i'm here.

i'm always here.

i have always been here.

and you chose her.

then i realized.

it wasn't you i hated.

it was me.

i hated myself for not growing skinnier.

i hated myself for not talking to you more often.

i hated myself for not being good enough for you.

i hated myself for not looking pretty enough for you.

i hated myself for not trying hard enough to fight for you.

i hated myself for letting you slip through my grab so easily.

i hated myself for ever liking you.

it hurts so much, seeing you with her, smiling. 

then you'd come running back to me, talking all about her, how great she is. 

sometimes i even think, how lucky would i be if i were her?

but i know, i will never be her.

you were always the first one i'd try to find in a crowd

but she has always been the one you'd look for.

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