I cannot believe how immature and ill-mannered these humans are! And to think--THESE people were the geniuses who invented chips? I know you must agree, based on your past experiences with babies and other nuisances of the world (I mean, Earth).
Here's my sad story. On Monday, I woke up happy and ready to go. I pulled on my favourite orange jumpsuit, and decided to take a walk and explore the neighbourhood. I passed by the hardware store and the drug store (Shoppers Drug Mart, to be exact, but I asked everyone, and no one could point out to me the owner named "Shopper".) Finally I came across a drab gray building. And no, I did not do any of my "graffiti". What a ridiculous idea that would be, considering I used up all my spray paint on the school.
I decided to walk inside, remembering that sometimes things are boring on the outside, but on the inside, they're something special. Kind of like you! (You're welcome.) Well it turns out I was wrong. It was drab and gray on the inside as well. Bummer. One thing did catch my eye, though. There were mean looking thugs EVERYWHERE, and they were all wearing orange jumpsuits similar to mine! They were all behind these sticks made out of metal. Hmm, I thought.
Just then, another thug came. This one didn't wear an orange jumpsuit, but a blue shirt with a shiny thingy that said P-O-L-I-C-E on it. It must've been in a secret code. He also had a gun. (Hey, maybe he bought one of my shrink ray guns!) I looked at him and said hello. But he didn't even return my polite greeting! This is what he said instead: "How did you get out???" Through my front door, of course. I told him that.
"You criminals think you're so smart, huh? Well beat this!"
He grabbed me (manners?) and threw me into one of the bar-cagey-thingys. Um, excuse me? You did not just do that. I said that out loud too. He ignored me and walked out of the room. That was weird.
Let me recap: I went for a walk. I entered this gray building and saw thugs. A P-O-L-I-C-E threw me into a bar-cagey-thingy and left me there.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
BACK TO THE SCENE OF THE NON-CRIME: I looked around the room that the P-O-L-I-C-E called a "cell". And guess what? One of the thugs was sitting on a toilet, right out in the open! Now, I've been human for a while, long enough to learn about privacy when using the toilet. I quickly looked away and said, "Hello? You know I can see you, right?" The thug just grunted. Now do you see what I mean by, "What has happened to civilization?"
"You wanna take a walk, thug? We could use some fresh air." I said, trying to be polite. He just laughed meanly and told me that the only way we could get out was if we had the keys to open the cells.
"You mean these?" I said, holding up a shiny set of keys.
"How did you get those???"
"It's complicated." Luckily, my favourite orange jumpsuit happened to be one of my mind-controlled outfits, and I had just added the key ring to it because I thought it was a very fashionable accessory. I handed him the keys and he shouted, "FREEDOM!" as he unlocked our cells, and then proceeded to let out all of the other thugs too.
"Yay?" I said, unsure of what was going on. I paraded out with them anyway. After a few minutes, they had all scattered, and I found myself alone. So much for our group walk. So I just went home.
Thug #1 is my favourite. He tracked me down a few days later and said that I was his hero! And all I did was suggest a walk! Now the thugs are throwing a party in my honor! Wow!
That's pretty much it. Oh, one more thing--I have officially launched my mind-controlled outfits! People and reporters have been swarming into my mansion every time Reginald opens the door! So I'd better keep hiding in my room for now. I must say, I love this product, it's flawless. I just have to think, purple tank-top, denim shorts, and gold sandals, and POOF! --they appear on my body. Pure genius!
My next new product will be a machine that allows you to store a ton of food in a gun! To do this, I injected my secret formula into a burger, which turned it into a small tablet. I put the tablet into a solar-powered gun and aimed it at a plate. Once the tablet hit the plate, the burger appeared again. Brilliant, I know. I estimated that at least 400 different food tablets could fit into one gun. So far, I've got most of the popular foods covered: chips, burgers, fries, ice cream, etc. And for the health-conscious, vegetarians, and vegans I've got tablets for broccoli, salad, and tofu. By the way, what's the big deal about tofu? It tastes like broccoli and ice cream mixed with almond butter. Bleh. No offense to any tofu lovers out there, I'm just stating my personal opinion.
I am ever so sorry to cut this letter short, but the party awaits, and I certainly don't want to keep my thugs waiting.
Gorgoulsplaz and fudgemenot,
"Charlotte"
P.S. I hate it when people grab and throw me. There should be a law against that, just saying. Bet those P-O-L-I-C-E wouldn't like it if it happened to them!
