The Diary Of Alice Rose Parker

E23: But

Entry 23

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14/3 and 16/3 and 19/3, 2014

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Dear diary,

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The progressive feeling doesn't last long.
I got home to find my dad is in hospital, he might've had cancer (they didn't find any so that's good). I didn't go to school yesterday, I didn't want to wake up, I was depressed as hell plus the news of dad weighed on me hard.
Torture, complete torture.

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Anyway, it's been 2 days since I've written my last entry. Only it seems like just yesterday I wrote in this. I've been debating about what I should and shouldn't write in this diary... And I've decided to write everything that bothers me in it....

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My story.

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When I was a young girl, I had a pretty good childhood, but everything changed when t̶h̶e̶ ̶f̶i̶r̶e̶ ̶n̶a̶t̶i̶o̶n̶ ̶a̶t̶t̶a̶c̶k̶e̶d̶ my brother had a row with mother about his girlfriend at the time. He left to live with 'The Devil' (mothers ex-husband). Shortly after, he broke up with the girl and the responsibility of being a good child was left to me. I was constantly noticed by my flaws and rarely congratulated for my achievements.

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I moved at the start of grade 4. The new school was rather unfamiliar to me. Two girls came up to me while I was singing alone on a bench. They befriended me.

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Like all best friends, things occurred normally, we got along great, but sometimes we had fights and I'd say stuff I don't mean.

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Before, my flaws were still noticed and my achievements weren't, but I was happy because of the memories I made with my friends.

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I found out one day that I was moving... And I tore myself apart. I detached myself from them entirely, wanting to forget... To be forgotten. I left heaven at that point and fell soul first into hell.

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The teachers had to tell me to go make friends, how pathetic is that? I tried to get back to my self indulgent void after I made them, but they wouldn't let me. I was a tad happy, but I felt... Used. Really used. My family basically ignored me unless I had to do chores or eat or sleep.

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One of the days in primary at my new school, I nearly died. I remember it rather clearly. I didn't try to stop him as I sat in the library when he came up and nearly strangled me to death. I didn't do anything. I just sat there, staring into space. I'm lucky another guy was there to get him to back off, I wouldn't have lived otherwise. Being strangled feels like nearly drowning, except drowning is more painful.

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High school. I reckon it should be renamed "Hell". I mean, yeah the rules are quite a bit looser but there are still masses of people that judge you based on your appearance. And manage to show it in cruel ways as well.

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I didn't make any friends that year. That was to be expected of course.

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The teachers suggested I go see Annie on Thursdays. They told her that I had been looking down in my classes and I hadn't made any friends. I found slight comfort in telling her my problems.

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I haven't told anyone I'm bisexual though. They wouldn't believe me. I act more attracted to the male sex than my own, but that's only because I cannot tell people or let them find out. They'd torture me.

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When I walk home, I sometimes fell the urge to throw myself out for oncoming traffic to hit. Maybe then they'd care.

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When I went to Jason's house last year, I was there rather late and mum went berserk at me and said she worried. But then she brought it back to my sister. I felt even more unloved and worse off than before. I didn't mean to give her the wrong address.

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I don't kill myself because I know what it does to people. It's the same reason I don't hurt myself often. It drives others into a spiral of hurt. But... Maybe they don't know, I do hurt myself, but not by cutting. I scratch my stomach and thighs until they open up and bleed a tiny bit or until they're red raw. It's not something I'm proud of. I also show up to school on a regular basis with unexplained bruises all over. I don't know how they get there, how should I? I can't help hurting myself either. I do it sub-consciously.

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I'm actually a really peaceful person. Until you meet the real me, the depressive, "freak". I used to be so happy.

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I used to think that cutting myself would relieve the pain inside but it does nothing at all. Nothing. I can feel the stinging when I do. But otherwise, I feel nothing.

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I imagined a place where I'm worse off than I am now like a parallel universe. I imagine I am beaten by my mother and I get teased at school and beaten horribly by my former friends. This place reminds me of why I live. I live to create the life I'm destined to build with my friends, foes and family. Even if I don't know what that may be yet.

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This is what has been bothering me.

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This.

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Only this.

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Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, I'm a freak by nature, happy birthday to me. :(

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--Alice Rose

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