The Station of Gas

Chapter 6

“Is it done?” Tyler asks, sitting cross legged on Josh’s brand new drum stool. “Almost” Josh mumbles, screwing in another piece. He continues to adjust a few of the pieces to his height, and tighten a couple of other stuff so that it doesn’t all fall apart. “And done, I think that’s it” He gets up and stands back, gazing at the beaming, red drum kit, it not quite fitting in with the rest of his dark and dull basement. Tyler stands up too “Well go on then” Josh turns to him “What?” And just after that, Josh is presented with a pair of red drum sticks, wrapped in a tight bow. “I know you got some but, I saw these and had to get them. I bought them while you were putting this heavy thing in the car.” Tyler holds them out, smiling humbly. “Wow, thank you so much. Um, you didn’t have to.” Josh was once again flustered at the actions of this boy. A boy he had just met, yet already had so much impact. He took the sticks and slipped them out of the bow, gazing at them happily. Josh approaches the kit, not exactly knowing what he’s doing at all. “Just pretend that you’re at your cousin’s house or in a store or something, I’m not here.” Tyler says from behind. Josh wanted to correct him. He was here, he was so fucking here and Josh wouldn’t have it any other way. Instead, he sits down and steps his foot onto the bass drum, and it was loud, but Josh loved it. He began to drum a simple tune, adjusting to the kit a bit more and playing it steadily. The more he played the more confident he became, and he began to slip into his zone. His arms worked fast, his feet knowing exactly when to step down. He felt the rhythm in his fingertips, echoing in his mind. He stayed focused, gripping onto his sticks. He changed up the beat every now and then, but never dropped the steady flow. After a few minutes, Josh stopped for a breath. He noticed drips of sweat forming on his head. He turned around to Tyler, who was standing in the same position, smiling brightly. Just as Tyler was about to speak, Josh cuts him off. “Thank you” Tyler takes a few steps forward. “Oh it’s okay, I just thought the sticks would match and…” He cuts him off again “Not for the sticks” Josh didn’t need to elaborate, he knew that Tyler knew what he meant. Tyler smiles at the ground, and Josh takes him in. He hadn’t felt this happy in a while. “You’re pretty damn good” Tyler chuckles. Josh needed to hear that, it meant a lot more than he thought it would. “Well, I guess I found my thing” ~ “So how exactly do you make an album?” Josh asks, eyeing the last piece of pizza. “I don’t know, I guess once you have enough songs and an idea of the sounds you want around them, you kinda just build it all up.” Tyler says, shrugging. “Hmm” Josh decides to take the last piece. After playing on the drums for a while, Josh asked Tyler to stay for dinner since he lives alone, also at the fact that he wasn’t quite ready to say goodbye. “What an eventful day” Josh sighs, adjusting himself on the couch. They sit in the dark watching TV, the no longer full box pizza in front of them, the glow of the television radiates onto Tyler’s face, the various colours splashing against his pale skin, Josh likes to peek over every now and then just to see it. Every time Josh tried to ignore what he was feeling, the one that makes him so conflicted, the feeling of ‘what if I just…’, it somehow creeps itself back in. He was getting tired of feeling guilty about it. Tyler doesn’t reply to Josh’s comment, instead he leans back and closes his eyes. “You know, I don’t usually do this” he mutters, his voice barely audible over the television noise. Josh looks over at Tyler, his eyes still closed. Josh swallows his throat, a tenseness holding his body tight. “Do what?” he replies carefully, scared of Tyler’s next words. He opens his eyes and stares directly into Josh’s. “Make friends” he says, a little clearer now, but with a tint of sadness in his tone. Josh looks down, he finds it a little hard to believe. So all he can do is relate. “Me either” He fidgets with his fingers, a sigh escaping his lips “So I guess we’re friends then?” Tyler mumbles, pulling himself up a little more. Josh pauses, although the question is silly, its somewhat refreshing. Nobody ever really does that, asks if they are friends. Josh feels a sense of security with the question, as if they are making some sort of universal bond. “Yes, definitely” Josh grins at Tyler, and Tyler gives him a soft smile. Josh gets the feeling that maybe Tyler has been hurt before, maybe a friend who had ditched him for someone else or something. He didn’t want to make assumptions, yet he couldn’t ask him. The room goes quiet and Josh goes back to watching TV, except he isn’t watching it at all. He thinks about the boy sitting next to him, just his presence makes Josh nervous. “Could you maybe drive me home? I was going to take the bus but it’s getting kinda dark” Tyler asks, and Josh has to restrain himself from seeming too eager. Any time with the boy was time well spent. “Yeah, sure” ~ “How long have you had this car?” Tyler asks, sitting in the passenger seat of Josh’s small little automobile. It’s a little old, and the black paint is beginning to chip around the edges, but the interior is good. And it runs strong. “Since I turned 18, I got it a week after my licence” Josh says with pride. Tyler sits quietly, asking a question every minute or so. Josh answered every single one of them. He loved night drives, something about the coloured lights and the street lamps, illuminating the road, made him feel a sense of contentment. “Oh just turn right here hun” Tyler says, noticing Josh’s lack of attention. Josh’s mind pauses, did he hear correctly? Did Tyler just call him… A voice in Josh’s head appears abruptly, a vicious voice. And something turns in him, an inner hatred. A hatred he did not want nor needed, but one that was ingrained into his brain. It was his fathers. “Don’t call me that” Josh says sternly, his hands gripping tight on the steering wheel He can feel Tyler’s eyes on him, confused. “What?” “Don’t call me that.” Josh says again, his teeth gritting. Memories of Josh’s father’s words flood into his brain. Bad memories, but memories that tended to surface. He couldn’t help it, he was brought up in home full of ignorance. And he wasn’t going to let his feelings over take him. He hated them, he had to stop them. Tie them to the forest and burn them down. It was then that Josh began to cry, not a sobbing kind, or a frantic kind, just tears. Streaming down his emotionless face. He continues to drive as if nothing was bothering him, even though his view was getting increasingly blurry. “Josh” he hears Tyler whisper next to him, a comforting voice. “Josh it’s okay” A hand reaches out, softly placing itself on Josh’s shoulder. He could swat it away and scream, tell Tyler to leave and never talk to him again. Or he could hold it. He did neither. Instead he stopped the car in front of Tyler’s house, and sat still. “I’m sorry” Josh whispers, closing his eyes. Tyler didn’t get out of the car quite yet, instead they sat there in the silence. Tyler returned his hand to his lap, staring down at his feet. “I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable” Tyler mumbles, and Josh suddenly feels immense guilt. “You didn’t. At all. It was my fault.” Josh begins to wipe his tears away, cupping his cheeks It was then that the sound of an unbuckled seatbelt fills the air, and even though Josh wants to protest, he doesn’t. Tyler opens the door and gets out slowly. Just before he closes it, he pokes his head through the doorway “Goodnight” ~ Josh speeds his way home, feeling shitty about his last interaction with Tyler. He didn’t want to ruin this friendship, he just couldn’t let what he felt was happening, happen. The way he felt today, the way his pulse raced whenever Tyler stood a little too close, whenever their eyes met, it built up, and he didn’t know what to do with it so he spat it back out. He made Tyler feel bad even though truly, Josh liked all the things he did… more than he could admit. He liked him more than he could admit. Tyler didn’t deserve that kinda treatment, and Josh swore he would never let that voice return.

Josh had a dream that night that Tyler kissed him, and he woke up feeling ashamed.