still waiting {j.j.k}

chapter 30

minji p.o.v

i softly turned to the other side of my bed. i looked at jungkook, sleeping peacefully. i kept staring at him.

tears.. warm tears slowly rolled down my cheeks. i could smell the salty scent while inhaling through my nose. a vulnerable feeling took over my body. i started shaking. jungkook woke up slowly. he looked startled when he noticed i was crying.

"baby, what's wrong?" he gulped as he sat down on the matress. he made me sit too and pulled me towards his lap. he looked worried.

"just tell me.. c'mon." he mumbled while wiping my tears away. his eyes were locked on mine.

i tried talking, but it didn't work because i was trembling too much.  jungkook hugged me softly and patted my back. he cupped my face and pressed his forehead onto mine.

"it's so unfair to you, nobody should have to cry so much.. will you tell me why you're upset?" he said while batting his eyes slowly.

i pushed his hands down and rested my own hands on top of them. i bat my eyes and inhaled while the tears kept flowing.

"it's all my fault." i whispered almost unhearable. jungkook looked directly into my eyes. he was starting to get really worried.

"i see him everywhere.. jonathan."  i continued, " i keep seeing his dead body, eyes closed. i see him smiling in my dreams. i see him standing in the corner of my mind. he's here. he never left."

jungkook closed his eyes in pain and while our foreheads were still touching each other. he is hurting, too.

"minji, you need to forget to move on. your brother's dead is not your fault. nothing is." he mumbled while looking at me. he kissed my right cheek.

"no, you don't understand. it's my fault. i'm the reason he died." i said loudly while sitting straight. i started crying silently.

"it's my fault, jungkook. i killed him. i did. it's me. me!" i whined. i put my hands on the sides of my head and i started screaming while letting the tears flow over my face. i looked up to jungkook. his eyes lookrd terrified.

then suddenly he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me towards his chest. i fell on him and burried my head in his shirt. i cried and cried.

the horrible feeling of guilt was slowly taking me over. and i was so scared. i was scared that i would change. because i didn't want to. i don't want to live with this feeling. i won't last long, and i know that very well.