Fade To White - Sequel to Fade To Black

As I Lay Dying

Wolf raced through the trees with no signs of slowing down.  The sound of his hooves pushing through the softened clay thudded so deeply through my bones, my teeth rattled. Only the sound of the brash wind against my ears stopped me from conjuring Jackson in mind- from invading my thoughts and taking a hold of me again. His eyes, almost black, gazing into the window, into me- through me. Was it even him? 

No. Of course it was. I could never mistake his eyes. It was him. And he had gone- 

I stopped myself. I needed to stay sane. George was quiet behind me, his weight pressing heavy into my back.

"Can you see them? Have we gotten far enough?" I asked him. George said nothing. I spared a second to look behind me, watching his limp hand bounce against Wolf's side. "George?" I asked again. We were going too fast for me to try and rouse him. I needed to find a place to rest quickly and it seemed as though the soldiers had stopped pursuing us for quite some time now. 

Wolf carried us through the trees and just up ahead, perhaps another mile, was a clearing. "Just a bit longer George." I told him reassuringly. My heart was beating with such fury It felt as though my heart would rip through my chest. 

The bullets still buzzed in my ear since the first shot had been taken. There were pieces of blue sky that I could barely make out through the smoke of gun fire. The battlefield was quiet now, Just a few grumbles from horses, or painful moaning from men, slipping from consciousness. I couldn't move. My throat felt solid, barely managing a gulp, though somehow air continued to enter my lungs. I could feel the body's of the men I had fought along side with, piled over me. All it took was one cannon line to knock down our defense. I could feel the cool breeze on my face and I couldn't help but smile, feeling the soft, wet grass between my fingertips as my body seeped into the ground itself. 

I found myself thinking of those eyes, the last thing I saw before the battlefield. Although I wasn't close enough they looked exactly like- 

No. 

How could it be her?  What a miracle it would have to be. For all I know she is laughing joyously in the back of the wagon, enjoying her journey with George. George- the thorn so deeply plunged into my side. As I lay here in the cold, cold Earth, I realized I had never fought for her. Like a fool, I assumed there were no words I could say that would bring her back to me, to keep her within my grasp, anymore. That I had lost a piece of her- the piece that had loved me once, a thousand years ago it seemed. Time appeared to stop here in the bloodied field. 

But what if it was her? What would I say to her here as I lay dying? That I love you? That I have always loved you, and will never stop loving you? That I pray that there be a God that would allow me an eternity with you? Though I believe these words as plainly as I believe in day and night they were simply nice words. Pleasantries. 

Hm. Here . . .  Something better- You are my purpose. My sole reason for living, the sigh of relief in the morning that my eyes have opened, embracing a new day once more for you. For if you were naught, what breed of man would I become? Certainly no man. No, I'd be nothing, laying here in the grass, surrounded by men struck by hundreds of Minié balls praying for our cold fate to arrive swift and true. For the inevitable rain to pour over us and wash away whatever remained. 

And to think I had come here to save you and our family. Perhaps I saved you from myself. 

I continued to watch the smoke rise and fade into the ever deepening blue of mid morning as  I found solace in the mere thought of Clementine. Some voices had returned to my ears from a distance away. Their distinct Northern accent was not a harbinger of triumph as they crept ever closer. The weight of my men began to lighten from on top of me as their bodies were dragged to a pile, presumed departed. It took everything I had to keep from gulping the air that clung so tangibly above.