Surviving Deadland [Up For Adoption]

Act 010: Feeling Dead

Act 010: Feeling Dead

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"Ryuu?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you ever...I dunno, do you ever wish you had a different life?"

I felt him shift next to me and turned to see him looking at me, his eyebrows pulled together in confusion.

"A different life how?" He asked, propping himself up on one elbow to stare at me. I followed his lead, turning onto my side as well.

"A happier life," I said simply, my eyes lighting up, "One where your parents are always around and you're never alone."

He paused and a thoughtful expression crossed his face.

"No," he finally said and my eyebrows furrowed.

"Why not?" I asked, not understanding why he wouldn't want something like that. I'd do anything to not feel so alone anymore.

He shrugged slightly, "I just don't. My parents are alive and well, with sound, moral jobs and I have an adorable younger sister - how much happier can my life be? I'm just grateful I have that much. Some people don't even have that much so it would be kind of selfish for me to want more, don't you think?"

I made sure the way I felt was completely hidden as I gave him a small smile and said, "You're right. Silly me."

I looked up at the sky with unfocused eyes, wondering if it really was selfish of me to want a different life from the lonely one I had. His words cut deep and made me feel ashamed of myself even when I knew he didn't mean to do so. And shamefully, I still wanted a different life even after that. How greedy of me...

"Do you want a different life?" He asked quietly and I looked at him, his hazel eyes thoughtful and filled with a desire for understanding even at the age of eleven.

But I knew he wouldn't be able to understand what I felt even if I told him. He didn't feel the same kind of sadness I felt, the same kind of longing. He had no idea of the solitude I endured even in a crowd of people...

"No," I finally answered, turning to look up at the open sky I envied so much, what with its openness and sense of...freedom. It didn't have to hide how it felt in order to be the perfect child and avoid being sent back to the foster home. It wasn't attached to anything and didn't need to feel the pain of wanting to belong somewhere, of wanting someone by its side. And it was never alone, not with the expanse of the world just beneath it and vast space filled with galaxies just above it.

"My life is perfect," I lied smoothly, never once faltering. The words tasted bitter on my tongue and threatened to choke me with their deceit.

I turned to Ryuu and smiled a familiar plastic smile that my nine-year-old self had already perfected.

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My eyes opened meeting the familiar hazel eyes from my episodic memory.

"You're awake," Ryuu breathed out like he didn't believe it.