Hopes (MANXMAN)

chapitre 22

Aiden pov : 

" I wanna get married , Aiden " he said all of a sudden , I looked at him with a shoked expression . I didn't feel like eating anymore . I kept looking at him ... he want to marry me ? As if a simple relationship with him wasn't enough complicated ... He was looking at me straight in the eyes with such a hard look making me afraid to even answer . I don't want to , I don't want to do that  ... You're supposed to marry the person you love . Why is he doing this ?. Isn't marriage important to him ?. Is he going to make me do it against my wills , Is he going to tell me to leave if I say no ? I'm afraid of him ... but I can't forget my values like this ... just because of him . I wan't allow myself ... at least I'll let him know that I hate this idea , I hate the idea of being married to him . Yet , I know that I'll end up doing what he want me to and it made me afraid, he is controlling me in every way possible ... He could make me do whatever he please just because of Axel . I got up and took steps away from me , I'm sure that I was giving him a hopeless look . He got up and walked toward me then grabbed my shoulders with a harsh grip yet I kept looking at him , I grabbed his shirt with shaky hands as he gave me me a worried expression . 

"You can't make me do this " I said while trying to get away from him . 

"Aiden , I want to start something new with you " he tried to explane " I want to be with yo-" 

  "I marry only for love," I said, staring at him "I'd never marry a man who made a proposal of marriage as coarse as the one you've just did to me". He will deffinetly make me pay for this ... 

 "If you want, I'll get down on my knees, and with my hand over my heart, I'll beg you to be my half until the end of time," he said in confusion. I didn't   know if he  was joking or speaking seriously.  I just need to accept it , if I do this maybe it will be better for all of us ... I just need to think about the others this time and forget about myself , I need to make the right desicion for Axel . I have to give him a perfect life and I can only give it to him if we stay here ... My heart was hurting me , begging me to refuse , to say no , to let this moment be special . It was just telling me to let this moment happen with the right person . I tried to push the toughts back , I tightened my grip around his shirt and bit down my lips ... 

  "Do it," I ordered. "On your knees, with your hands on your chest. Tell me the best cheap, sentimental things in your repertoire and let's see if you convince me ." ... I said softly , why did I have to say that , I know what will happen , he will push me against the wall and he will just threaten me , tell me to leave , tell me that he will keep Axel ... I let go of his shirt and waited for him to do something , waited fo him to say something ... He suddenly grabbed my hand and slide something on my finger , I looked down and saw a ring on it . I looked up at him with a shoked expression . He aproched me until our faces were only few inches away ... 

"Do you think that you have the right to say no , Aiden ?" he asked then laughed " please try to do so , come on do it ". 

"I don't want to " I said while looking at him in the eyes , if he want to we can play . I know that what I'm doing is useless and that I'll end up doing what he want but I don't want him to think that I'm weak ... or should I say obedient . 

"You don't have a choice " he simply said then went back and start eating , I did the same , I needed to eat at least something . At that moment I felt like I'm not reacting in the right way ... I felt like am not racting at all . After all that happen everytime something happens to me ... I don't react the right way and I don't feel nothing at all ... wait , why do I have to lie ?. When he acctauly told me that , I felt my heart beating becoming more and more fast , It felt like my cheeks were burning . Part of me was going insane , I felt happy somehow . Yet I never consider those feelings , I only consentrate on the past and the thing that he've done to me . And at that moment , I get angry all of a sudden and fight with him . As long as I could remember , I always  looked at him . At highschool I was always looking at him and whenever our eyes meet , I will look away instently ... As long as I could remember I thought that he was the perfect person , the cool , strong , lovable dude that every girl want to have as a boyfriend . When I looked at him at that time I always told myself that it was impossible for us to be together , impossible for him to love or even like someone like me ... I never talked or agued with anyone , I never screamed at someone , I've never insulted anyone yet after meeting him it became such a normal thing to do ... At that time , my heart only ever had one thought, one want. One need. Despite all, in spite of all...All my heart has ever wanted was someone like him. Somehow, I'll find it. The balance between whom I wish to be and whom I need to be. But for now, I simply have to be satisfied with who I am . I'm starting to think this world is just a place for us to learn that we need each other more than we want to admit. All of this  make me wonder if he had ever thought about something like this ...