depressing thoughts

r

7/5/17

tired once again.

I haven't written entries this past week due to unplanned difficulties.

I had a disturbing dream on 7/1/17.

Let me write down what I wrote in my notes.

Something happened today that disturbed me harshly.
two separate dreams that scared meme.
the first dream was frightening for me.
At the end of the dream I was sobbing .

Let me explain.

In my dream, I walked into a schools gym I visit for band frequently. I walked in and I saw people packing up ,cleaning the gym, stacking stands etc.
When I recognized the people around me they were my classmates from 6th grade.
I looked at my hands and noticed that I looked like my current age, but everyone around me didn't notice anything.
That's when I came to the conclusion that they are seeing the illusion of my past self.
I don't know why, but something clicked there. As if I remembered something and I distinctively recall myself saying 'this is where it stared' (referring to what's mentally going on with me now is connecting to that moment in the past)
I ran, I ran out of that gym.
I pushed open the doors and frantically looked for my really nice friend. I needed to tell her.
I kept running back and forth, going back into the gym and then running back out the exit. I saw someone looking at me strangely because I kept re-entering the gym and I started to run to the track fields behind the school.

That's where I saw my friend.

I started screaming for her to stop.
She was running far away to somewhere I didn't know and I needed to tell her. I started running to reach her. To tell her.

She kept running and running as if she didn't hear me. I was screaming non stop until a classmate grabbed me and forced me to stop running.

She looked at me dead in the eyes and told me "she won't believe you" "look at yourself she didn't talk to you in 6th grade she won't know you" "you can't catch up just stop"

To say I was scared is an understatement.

I turned to see my friend getting farther away.

I quickly pushed her away from me and kept running. I ran as fast as I could. I couldn't feel myself getting tired so I sped up even more.

But she was still so far away.

I cried as I ran.

I needed her.

The same classmate tugged on my sleeve and said to stop because it's too late.

I kept running. I couldn't take it anymore.

My friend suddenly stopped in the middle of the field and waited under the stadium light.

She was standing away from the side walk rubber for track.
I felt so happy she stopped.

I ran as hard as I could and steered off the path to get to her faster.

She laughed a bit at my desperation but smiled at me.

I engulfed her into a tight hug when I finally reached her. I was a sobbing mess.
She hugged back with the same effort and love.
My crying was so hard to the point where it woke me up.

And when I did, I was panting, slightly crying, and scared.

Entry time: 8:53pm
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Update

    I found something out about my really nice friend.

She self harms.

Oh god.

I feel like I knew all along but I turned the blind eye. I was too scared of reality.
She showed me her cuts. I told her she wasn't alone and told her my story.
I told her I self harmed.
I told her not even half of the story actually.
I told her only a bit of why I feel the way I feel.
Why I self harmed.

I feel like I got it off my chest. It surprisingly didn't scare me that hard. I felt so calm with her. She understood so well.

I'm thankful she's my friend.
  
  entry time: 10: 11pm