Inevitable Flaw

Chapter 44: Tunnel

I saw her before anything else, miles away, her frail fingers gripping the coniferous as painfully as her nails could tolerate. She was reflecting my horror, pure from oblivion.

I could hear her heart beat, each thud sensitively audible, such that it knocked the earth into unforeseen quakes. The vulnerable contagion echoed in heat towards me, its hefty weight pushing me back until I felt it.

It was overworking more than I've ever experienced in my life.

"Yes," I made out her mouth movement.

There was something of naive desperation in the way her eyes frail following it. A misery of patience falling onto its knees without precaution. I wanted to slit her.

Quick and painless.

My thoughts were acted out. Everything new, strange, bitter, but also sweet.

An unfolding; a revelation I only prayed to live and hear.

It was everything I wanted.

But everything can also be nothing. The uncertainty when knowing of the toxic, the heated poison that tethers between your fantasy and reality. Yet, you risk it.

I didn't want to risk it.

I flinched when the cup was rested in my palm. In instinct, I spilt it of all its anticipated contents.

"Aam, you okay?" His deep throated voice is the last I hear, a whispering of the bright blue sky that sways the green parades of tree leaves about.

And its all gone.

I rise off my pillow gasping in desperation for air, my hands gripping my throat for support. A warm moist emanates from my skin, the trail orphaned from my headache. I remain adjusting to the dark, it impregnating a comfort I am ecstatic still exists.

My old room, the valueless feed precipitating my nerves.

I grunt at the clock to a time I've come too familiar with: 3:00 am.

I rub at my eyes and follow my feet into the patio. The full moon peaks a friendly mould in an infinite sea of possibilities. My legs ache as I sit down, a restless head parting to the cloud's ashes.

I feel the energy from my body pass me by.

He came here. 

He wanted this- us.

But my wariness has blossomed unjustly. I've become wholesomely perplexed into a form I wished didn't exist. I never expected this- this overthinking. I imagined everything the sun had to offer. But that's not what happened- I was paralyzed.

"So your going to leave me hanging?" His voice had thickened in offence. He was trying to tame it but it was there, the deterioration of his ego; the burning of its melt was hurting my nose.

I remember the raw numbness that overtook my lips, my eyes maintained in their daze. There were no words. 

Because part of me is insanely and desperately fond of him, but another part tells me to walk away. To not become trapped by his charm and lies. To not commit to someone who probably doesn't know how to practice commitment. To not make as important a decision as wedding a man who has no obvious connection with faith, especially because of the distasteful practices he has involved himself in.

So I stayed quiet, staring at the one strand of his hair that befriended the winds pattern, its slow movement allowing me a hint of blood flow. 

I couldn't control my body, it wouldn't move when I asked it to.

He stood, waiting for a reaction, his large specs of rich caramels absorbing in my hesitance. It was a fascination of the subject in a museum.

I moved my lips, but nothing.

Nothing.

I feel like part of my lie to Cici was prevalent fear. Fear of being with someone who fails to meet the expectations I have set out for him, fear of admitting to my feelings and then realizing the mistake. Or of registering that he is a beautiful person, but not the beautiful person for me.

"Aamirah?" I jump fragilely before welcoming mama's frown.

The warmth resonates with her as she slowly decides to join me.

"Weren't you sleeping?" I ask, my mind in a different dimension.

"I woke up for the bathroom and saw your balcony door open," she rubs at her knees before hugging them onto the chair, her years younger in this stance.

I form a smile before staring into space.

"You want to talk about it now?"

My heart returns to my mouth, it beating in rhythym with my quivering lips.

I dictate the hold around my legs, but allow my throat to suffocate by the air that holds us together.

"Did you know about Adam's coming here?" She raises her eyebrow.