What did I think? My first though was that she was crazy.
My second thought? That she was super crazy. Knock-on-her-head, tripping-on-cracks crazy.
I held up a hold. "Hold on, just the other morning you were very, very insistent that we didn't know each other, and now you want us to start dating?" The dog on my lap let out a sharp bark and dug his claws into my pants. "Ow. See? Even the dog thinks this is a stupid idea."
Suzy flushed and took him from me. "His name is Damon, and that's not what I meant."
I eyed the small fuffy dog. "Interesting name."
"Thanks. I named him Damon from the actor in The Vampire Diaries." She scooped him up and set him outside in a fluid motion. He stood at the door and stared at us for a minute or two before marching off to lie on the deck and sunbathe, belly side up.
"So what did you mean about the dating?" My gaze ran up and down her body, taking in her white tank top and her wrinkled pink-and-blue-striped bottoms. The pants were long that they covered her toes. "Because, no offense, but you're not exactly my type," I said with a wink.
Her nose flared twice before turning red as the rest of her face. She scooted around the countertop until the bottom half of her was out of sight. "None taken, because everyone knows you're not my type, either."
Ouch. Apparently the Ice Queen had claws like her dog. "You still didn't answer my question."
She leaned back and stared at her nails in deep concentration. "I just meant that we should pretend to date."
I lifted a hand to my chest and sighed with pretend relief. "Thank goodness. I thought you remembered how incredibly sexy I was and realized that you loved me after all. Or that you're pregnant and you want to raise this child right. You know, I think Elena's a nice name for the baby. I dated a waitress named Elena once. Real sweet girl."
Her entire face was purple now. Suzy leaned forward. Her dark eyes seemed brighter than usual as she glared at me. Her hands gripped the counter to keep her balance. "I do not love you. And we do not have a baby. We didn't even even have sex!"
"Ah, but you're not denying that you think I'm sexy."
Her mouth dropped open, and I thought she was going to yell at me again. Instead, she covered her face with both hands and laughed. A loud, uncontrollable laugh that was high-pitched and deep at the same time, weird as it was. Weirder was the fact that I liked the sound. It made me smile.
She laughed so hard that tears fell down her face and she was practically gasping for breath. Alarmed, I half stood up and reached for her, but Suzy just brushed me off and grabbed napkins to wipe her face. I couldn't help smiling a bit as I watched her. She was so different from all the other girls I dated. Fresh-faced, simple, girl-next-door.
I waited until she drank more of her orange juice and swallowed before continuing. No need for her to shower me with orange juice and spit. "Okay, now that I know you're not to die from my one-liners, can you explain?"
"Well, it's fact that everyone knows that we were together the other other. Even though nothing happened," Suzy quickly said when I opened my mouth with another pun about one-night stands. "Nobody's going to believe us. So to save our reputations, I thought we could pretend that we've been dating all along. That way they won't think there's anything wrong with the fact that we were together at the party and that night."
"Reputations? Seriously? Are we in the hundreds? Did my time machine finally work?"
To my surprise, she picked up a couple of stapled pages that I hadn't noticed on the counter and handed them to me. "Everything's listed here, so it'll be easier if you would just read it."
I flipped through the pages with wide eyes. There were freaking five typed pages. I repeat, five pages. She was kidding, right? What did she need to talk about for this long? "You're very thorough."
She paced back and forth. "Thanks."
"That wasn't exactly a compliment." I skimmed the first page. "So you want me to sign this contract and pretend to date you for the next couple of weeks?"
"It's not really an official contract."
"There's a line for our signatures."
"Well, it's really more of a formality, so we'll both know where we stand in this . . .relationship." Suzy finished and faced me. Her hands were on both sides of her hips in a defensive stance. "Come on, this could benefit us both."
I scoffed in disbelief. "Really? Because all I hear is you, you, you. Honestly, I don't see why I need to agree to this."
"Because you're a generous and helpful person?" She snorted at the shocked looked on my face. "I'm sorry, I couldn't even get through that. I don't know what I was thinking."
Hm, touché. Apparently her sweet exterior was just a front. I wondered what other secrets she was hiding from the world. "If this is how you plan to convince me, I'll tell you now that you're failing miserably," I said drily.
"You're right. I'm sorry. Again." She coughed and tried to look serious. And failed. "Let's just think of it rationally. Think of how much respect you'd get from the teachers once they found out you're dating me. All the teachers at Sacred Heart love me."
"Okay, first off, you better pull back that ego. You're not as great as you think you are. And secondly," I said loudly when she opened her mouth to respond. "Teachers like me just fine. I may not a 5.0 or whatever crazy average you have with your extra classes and overachieving self, but I do have an average GPA, actually, since I usually get B's."
"You're lying, right?"
"Why would I lie to you? You're not my mom."
Her eyes narrowed in confusion. "But how is that possible? I heard you don't even go to half of your classes. You weren't even at school today!"
"Don't believe everything you hear. I only miss about a fourth of my classes. And the classes I do go to, I do damn good in."
"Well."
"What?"
"You do damn well instead of good." She gave me a bright smile. "I guess Language isn't one of the classes you have a B in?"
Huh. The more I was getting to see the snarky side of Suzy, the more I like her. "I guess you can say that. So like I was saying before you rudely interrupted me for an impromptu grammar lesson, I don't need to be there to understand what's going on." I said with a shrug. I could probably homeschool myself, if I didn't have to worry about seeing Mark's face all the time.
Suzy continued to stare at me with an uncertain expression, as though she wasn't sure if I was joking or not. I got this skepticism a lot when people found out that I was more than a playboy. I wasn't a nerd, either, but it wasn't hard to put a bit of effort into my schoolwork. Okay, a little more than a bit. I didn't want my stepdad's satisfaction regarding my bad grades to prove that he was right all along. That I was a no-good deadbeat like my dad. Don't know what's wrong with being a deadbeat, though. It sure beats being a pompous ass like him.
I leaned back in the chair, tapping my foot on the floor. "So what else you got?"
She bit on her lower lip before snapping her fingers. "How about college? I could help you with your college applications. It's kind of late to apply, but with my assistance, you could still get into any school you want."
