phil's pov
"what would you do if i left you?" dan mumbled almost inaudibly, not taking his eyes off of the cracked ceiling. we're both laying back on my bed, studying the area around us, in search of answers to whatever questions our brains hold.
i stare up there with him, tracing the cream coloured surface with my eyes, hoping i would see whatever he is seeing. "i don't know," i say back, hoping to dismiss his brooding doubts.
truthfully, i know exactly what would happen. i'd let myself break into a thousand minuscule pieces full of self hatred and raw emotions. i'm in way too deep, and i probably wouldn't be able to go on. i've pretty much lost tyler, and i really don't have anyone else besides dan. forgetting my loneliness though, i'd still be utterly heartbroken. dan is like my other half. if he was gone, my heart would break into two. i can't bear the thought of trying to pick myself up after something as awful as that. i'd become some irritable, cantankerous person, destined to spend the rest of their life in need of some comfort.
"why do you ask?" my worried side pipes up before my brain can filter it. my tone is so desperate for reassurance that i almost want to cry.
he turns to look at me now, placing a hand over my own. "i don't want to weigh you down."
i sit up suddenly, making him flinch in surprise. "you don't hold me back," i whisper, smiling slowly. "you lift me up."
i lay back down beside him, grasping his hand cautiously. neither of us are uncomfortable anymore, we're just content. we don't say anything for a while, enjoying the silence. i have so many words balanced on my tongue threatening to expose themselves and ruin the peaceful moment, but i resist. i enjoy the solace, and all the new feelings bubbling to the surface of my skin, crackling and sparking beneath my palm against dan's.
i can't shake the feeling that something is so right about this, and that all the mistakes i've made with people in the past are irrelevant. he makes me feel safe, and good. i'm not as weak when i'm holding his hand, and i'm not as empty when he's smiling at me. i want to cherish his company forever, and never release this thing that we share. i can't pretend that it's all platonic, because that's not who i am. i get attached easily, especially in this situation. i've only really known dan for a short period of time, and yet, it still feels like some sort on fantasy-filled lifetime.
his voice is like wispy fluffs of candy floss, filling me up with his kind words and sweetening me with his breath. i want to explore more of his sugary demeanour, and i want to taste it too. he's so irresistible to me, but i'm still stuck just holding his hand. if i didn't care as much, i'd just lean towards him and press my lips against his rosy ones. i can't though. there's too many possible outcomes. if he rejected me, i'd be alone. and besides that, troye is claiming he still likes dan. i want to pretend that's rubbish and that dan is perfectly happy with me, but it's not. dan probably still has feelings for troye, it's about as possible as water being wet. it's highly likely.
→
troye's pov
i miss him, i really miss him. dan was like my rock, his stupid harsh act made him seem like my opposite, but in reality we're both pretty soft. we liked to cuddle and make up silly stories, while staring at the crystal stars for inspiration. he's so imaginative, and so creative, he was perfect when i needed someone to help me write a song. in fact, a lot of my songs were inspired by him, or inspired by the stories he'd write. we would sit on my bed and his moonlit voice would mumble about what he'd written recently, the i would put it to music. it was such a calming process, and i really loved it. when our relationship was doing well, we really were a beautiful pair.
the problem is that i also miss tyler, and he's only been gone for a night. when i say i miss him though, it's different. we haven't exactly made any pleasant memories yet, it's just a lot of fighting and unnecessary drama. that's what happens when you mix youth and romance though. i suppose you could say our last kiss counts as a nice time together, but it really wasn't. it felt forced, like an experiment. truthfully, i suppose it was. i wanted to know if there is chemistry, and if i got the same electricity from it that i got with dan. obviously, the answer is no. it wasn't even close to being the same.
maybe that's why i'm so hesitant to really engage with tyler, because i know deep inside i still love dan. when you love someone, it hurts to betray them. cheating on someone generally means you don't love them as much as you should. love is founded on loyalty, as well as honesty. therefore, i should tell tyler of my doubts and tell dan of my yearning for him. i need to do what's best for myself, and stop factoring in everyone's feeling. it may sound selfish, but it's truth. sometimes, you have to ignore the consequences and just dive in.
→
dan's pov
i get a text at 11:55 in the late evening. i'm nowhere near asleep yet, so it doesn't feel like it's truly night. i expect it to be another cute, worried message from phil, asking if he needs to come over and check on me. it's not him though, it's troye. i hesitate to look at it, hoping that it's an apology or something about finding one of my jumpers in their washing. i don't want it to be a conversation starter, because i know it'd be unhealthy. every magazine in existence has told me that after a bad breakup, you should delete their number. i can't though, a tiny part of me, buried deep within, still thinks we could be friends.
eventually i give in to my own curiousity, tossing off the covers i'd been wrapped in and curling into a ball to read it. i open the message, but squeeze my eyes shut so i don't have to look at it. i breathe out, not quite sure why i've suddenly become so anxious. i wish phil was here with me, rubbing my back with his soft hands, leaning his pillowy side against mine. the thought of him soothes me enough to read it. the words are sharp, stabbing my mind with confusion and worry.
troye: we need to talk
i can't imagine what would be so dire, that he'd have to contact me so late at night with something so veg, and so cliché. i want to answer immediately, and tell him to come over and clear the air, but i can't bring myself to do it.
dan: ok
my breath hitches as it sends, ragged and scared of what's going to happen next. i should've just ignored it, or waited till i could talk about it with phil. it's far too late now though, i've already sent it. now i'm trapped into a loop of waiting for his response, and sending things back. it's tortuous, but invigorating. i've missed these nervous texts, just like when we first started dating and we were testing the waters.
troye: when can i see you? <3
it's stupid, but that tiny heart makes my real one skip a few beats. i bite my lip hesitantly. maybe he's just trying to be friendly? i shudder, i'm so cold, but so excited. adrenaline pumps through my veins, as if i'm doing something wrong. i like the feeling.
dan: when do you want to? ;)
a part of me regrets the wink face, but that dissolves when he answers only seconds later.
troye: asap. it's important.
my teeth dig into the fleshy part of my lip, begging for some comforting conclusion. i want to know what's going on. he intrigues me, but he also terrifies me. how do i know this isn't a prank?
dan: what is it? what about?
the conversation stops there i guess, because he quits responding. i set my phone down and try and block troye from my thoughts. i stare at my open laptop screen, wanting some clarity. i decide to just go to bed, maybe some sleep will calm my nerves. i shut my laptop lid and toss it onto my desk, flinching at loud echo of it slamming against the wooden surface. i close my eyes, burrowing my body under the duvet, searching for warmth. my breathing slows, and i embrace the silence. just as i start to feel myself drift off, my phone buzzes. i grab it hastily, opening the message instantly.
phil: going to bed. sweet dreams. <3
and this time, my heart races faster, and a blush creeps up my face, leaving a scarlet tint. so much excitement over a stupid little heart.
a/n you don't know true pain until you witness papyrus die in undertale jfc it hurts
