Don't Fear The Reaper

{xvii. half of my heart is in havana}

❝There are darknesses in life and there are lights, and you are one of the lights, the light of all lights.❞

-Dracula by Bram Stoker

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I wish I could say that things go uphill immediately. But we go to school that day, and hang out with Macy and do our classwork, and nothing changes. We get pizza for dinner, Kat goes to soccer practice, I work on Spanish IV homework and fall victim to nightmares that night. For any other family, when this type of news would be broken, I'd assume the kids and grandkids would automatically travel to see the ailing grandmother. But with our schedule and the fact that Abuela lives on an island thousands of miles away, it's not that easy for the Cabreras.

Part of me wishes Mor would just appear and whisk us away to Havana, but in the light of day, I realize it may not be that easy. Mor's job is to help me with my bucket list, and if there's nothing on there about visiting my grandmother, I assume he'd be breaking whatever protocol the Reapers follow.

But while Thursday is simply another dreary day in my life, Friday is different. Friday is the day any high school emo dreads for months. Friday is homecoming.

The school is electric, a mood that Kat and I cannot match no matter how hard we try. All the fall athletes - including my sister - are forced to wear their uniforms, proudly displaying the Crimson and Ebony of the Ashdown Jackals.

Where the plaster is breaking in the hall, banners are hung up that read "Let's go Jackals!" and "Howl, cry, fight!" Everyone's talking about their plans tonight, from watching the ever hopeful town-wide parade to getting drunk beneath the student section while the football team tries their luck. I find it strange, how, even after all our losses this season, everybody still has an intense sense of school pride. It all culminates in the mandatory pep rally, which we get out of study hall for right at the end of the day.

The pep rally is a messy blur for me. The student body crowds into the gym, Principal Harmon says a few falsely inspirational words, the marching band plays My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark, all the sports teams come running out, and the poor freshman in the mascot costume leaps around and tries to get the crowd to go wild.

When the football team makes their entrance, led by new captain and quarterback CJ Sykes, everyone around me stands and claps. Numbly, I do too, though I no longer hold any love for this school. If this was any other year, things would be different. I'd be head-to-toe in Ashdown spirit, roaring with the crowd and singing along to the alma mater. Will would be the one leading the football team, and everyone would cheer for him, but he would look straight at me and smile.

Now, the only person looking at me is Kat, sitting with her fellow soccer players. Her eyes are filled with a similar sadness to mine, but on a different level. I'm grieving somebody who's already gone, but she's mourning a woman yet to die. She doesn't know what it's like to get used to the dull ache at the back of your heart. Her pain is fresh and as sharp as a tack.

I wish I could help her.

When the pep rally ends, my sister and I reunite, but we don't say anything, because what is there to say? Students are surrounding us, surging like a tidal wave out of the gym, running at full speed to the parking lot and bus loop. Everyone's got somewhere to be, someone to be with.

Kat and I take our time, but then a honeyed voice comes from behind us:

"Kat, Lila! Wait up!"

In sync, we turn, and see our only peer who tolerates both of us at once is standing there, red and white pom-poms clutched in her brown hands. It's Macy, smiling brightly. She's wearing the long-sleeved mini dress all of the cheerleaders wear, and her hair is tied up with a giant scarlet scrunchie.