warning: mentions of suicide, negative/suicidal thoughts, and self harm. read at your own risk.
Z O E E
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Peter shoves the pile of clothes to the floor to make space for both Zoee and him so that they can work together on the bed. Peter sits on the bed with the textbook on his lap and his bookbag next to him, while Zoee remains standing up, looking over at him. Peter open the chemistry book before he looks up at Zoee questioningly. She notices his gaze and quickly moves to sit down on the green chair next to the bed. She places the textbook on her lap as well before taking out her chemistry folder and a pencil. Zoee doesn't want to sit by Peter so closely. Their skin might touch and that might make her more attached to Peter and she doesn't want that even though her heart is pleading for her to get over herself.
Zoee doesn't look up at Peter because she can sense that he might be hurt by her actions. She doesn't want to see his hurt face so she distracts herself by taking out what she needs for the project. Their project is that they need to make a poster based on a packet they need to complete. Each pair of partners got a packet based on different chemistry topics. Also, for extra credit, they can do an experiment or demonstration about what they have learned.
So Zoee and Peter get to work, communicating with each other to the best of their ability. They agree on dividing the packet work in half. Peter works on one section while Zoee works on the other. Peter works through his section effortlessly but Zoee is struggling since she can't think straight. Her mind is clouded with memories with her father and with negative thoughts.
Your father never loved you. You were and still are a burden to him, that's why he left, because of you. And that's what your mother is going to do. That's what Peter is going to do. That's what everyone is going to do because you deserve to be alone.
Zoee's hands grip her packet tightly, the paper crumpling slightly as she stares down at it. The words blur as her eyes fill with tears. The voice in her head continues.
Your mother probably doesn't love you either. She still looks over you because if she gives you up, she knows you'll burden everyone else. She is just saving people from you. She is suffering to help everyone. But do you know what you can do to put her out of her misery? Kill yourself.
Zoee abruptly stands up, the chair going back and hitting the wall as she does so. She quickly goes to her bag and takes out her notebook, ripping out a page as she feels Peter's gaze on her. She scribbles on the paper as fast she can before packing up her stuff at the same pace. She places her bag strap on her shoulder, hands Peter the piece of paper and sprints out of the room with warm tears streaming down her face.
The piece of paper that she gave to Peter read: I gotta go. Zoee did need to go, she was not going to break down in front of Peter.
Zoee rushes down the stairs, stopping suddenly when she sees Peter's aunt, May, at the bottom of the steps, holding a tray of cookies. Zoee uses the back of her hands to quickly wipe away her tears, even though her red, blotchy face might give away that she is crying.
"Leaving already?" Confusion is written all over her face, then worry takes over. Zoee notices this and wipes her face again, sniffling. She then nods, answering May's question as she continues down the stairs and walks past her to get to the door.
May turns around to face Zoee. "Would you like a cookie or anything else before you leave?"
Zoee shakes her head quickly, not looking back as she opens the front door and walks out. Once she is out on the sidewalk, she runs to her apartment building, new tears forming and falling from her eyes. Once she is in the building and is in front of her apartment door, she fumbles with the keys as her hands shake profusely. She almost drops the keys but manages to finally open the door. She hurries in, slamming the door shut behind her. She then starts to pace around the room, biting her fingernails. The voice then returns yet again.
What are you waiting for? Just do it already. Grab something and finish it. No one acknowledges you now and no one will when you're dead. Nobody will remember you, nobody will care.
Zoee hurries into the kitchen, looking for the block that holds the kitchen knives. When she finds it, she cries out in frustration when she sees that it's empty. She immediately opens drawers and cabinets, trying to find something sharp, but then slams them shut when she doesn't find anything. Hot, angry tears spill out of her eyes again, running down her face and staining the collar of the sweatshirt she is wearing. To wipe away the tears, she uses the sweater sleeves. Once she does that, she looks down at the sleeves, then at her covered chest with wide eyes, realizing something: the sweater she is wearing is a college sweatshirt that belonged to her father.
Zoee immediately grabs the fabric in her hands, yanking off the sweater in a hurried manner. She then goes into the living room, crumpling the sweater into a ball and hurdling it across the living room, knocking over a lamp. The lamp tumbles to the floor, luckily not breaking but making noise when it hits the ground.
Zoee's chest rises and falls quickly as she hyperventilates, heavy breaths leaving her mouth. Her hands go up to her hair, gripping the strands tightly in her fists and pulling as the voice from earlier echoes in her head.
Your father left because of you. And that's what Peter is going to do. That's what your mother is going to do. That's what everyone you get attached to is going to do.
Those words repeat in her head over and over again, each time the voice getting louder. Since the volume keeps increasing, Zoee doesn't hear her mother come into the living room. She only realizes that she's there when her arms wrap around her trembling frame. Zoee sinks down to the floor, her silent cry turning into sobs. Her mom sinks down with her, cradling her body against her and stroking her face softly. Her fingers brush over Zoee's dimple, the indent that forms on her right cheek, right under her eye when she cries hard.
"Hey, hey, hey. Shh, calm down." Her mother tries to soothe, but to no use. "C'mon Zoee, talk to me."
Zoee opens her mouth, moving her lips to try to form words, but nothing comes out, just another broken sob. She cries into her mom's chest, holding onto her shirt.
"Do you..." Her mother sighs. "Do you feel like hurting yourself?"
Zoee immediately nods, whimpering a bit as she feels her mother tense up.
"Okay, enough is enough Zoee. You need to go see someone." Zoee wants to protest but she can't. Instead, she shakes her head furiously. "I'm tired of finding you like this, it's happening way too much and it's hurting me just as much as it's hurting you. You need help, so let's go pack some of your things and head over to the ER, okay? Maybe we can get help there, and if we do, we might need to stay overnight. So come on, please?"
With help from her mom, Zoee gets up on her feet, gets tears wiped away, and gets a soft kiss to her forehead. Together, they go to their rooms to pack some things up.
