The inevitable

Chapter 4

For the rest of the walk i stay silent once again and wait for Harry to disapear but he doesn't. He keeps walking with us and by the time it's time for Kyle to disapear he's still here. It's unbelievably awkward and i'm terrified. Who knows what will happen? 

My eyes don't leave the floor with every step taken to get to the safe zone. I can see my house. It's just there. It feels like that night. Any second now i'm sure Harry's hand will hastily grab my wrist and pull me into the park. I'm sure of it. But, as we draw closer and closer nothing happens. Eventually i reach it and go to turn and accidently walk into him. I don't know whether or not to say 'bye' so instead of any apology or way of saying 'bye' i run inside the house and let out the breath i didn't realise i was holding. 

"How was school?" Dad asks as he comes to sit at the dining table for dinner. I smile at him before taking a small bite of mash potato that is soaked in gravy. 

"It was good. I really missed Alex." I reply. He chuckles lightly before digging into his Gammon. Mum comes and sits down with us after she finishes dishing up her dinner and instantly digs in. "Mum have you eaten anything today?" I half laugh. 

"Just a kitkat chunky." She replies as she scoops another fork full of cheesy mash into her mouth. "Did you eat OK?" I nod. 

As well as hiding from the world, i haven't had much of an appetite and have been building it back up. This thing has really taken a toll on my life. 

After we finish dinner, I head straight up to my room and collapse onto my bed. I'm so tired. I haven't done anything for so long that going to school feels like i've just walked to france and back. 

I'm still not satisfied about Saturday and i'm worried as hell as to what might happen. The boys were OK and i don't feel as scared as i did when i first came this morning but i know that i won't be who i use to be and i'm scared i never will be ever again. 

My body sluggishly heaves itself off of my bed and slumps over to my full body mirror in my wardrobe. I look different too. Well to me i look different. I don't think it's a physical change though. 

My hair is still brown, straight and incredibly long. My eyes are still blue. My muffin top is still there. But somehow knowing i've lost something as strange as my virginity makes me feel naked and to me feeling naked makes me look naked. I just feel so bare. 

For the rest of the evening, I place my head phones onto my head and listen to bands such as the fray, red hot chili peppers, razorlight and bring me the horizon. Obviously a lot more but if i named them we'd be here until saturday. I don't know music is just there. It always has been but sometimes i just get so depressed that i just can't listen to it anymore. Sometimes it's too relatable, the outcome is different and i have a fear that my outcome will come out the same way theirs do or worse.

Before i know it, the music has stopped and i'm fast asleep in my bed. Dreading the inevitable Saturday up ahead. 

It's Thursday. Two days have passed and each minute that passes the more i want to run and hide. There's been about 5 times where my anxiety has gotten the better of me but i have to prove myself to people. Prove that what happened shall not effect me any longer. 

One of those panic attacks was when i found out that Harry has to sit next to me in Music. It was pure torture. We sit right at the back away from the people i would usually make conversation with. When sir said we had to discuss how to find the seventh note in chords such as B7 but i didn't say a word and neither did he. It wasn't awkward as such because we both just knew we didn't want to talk so instead i did the sheet on my own. 

 Then when i found out he sits in front of me in English. It sounds incredibly stupid to panic over that but i don't know. Something about the beautiful yet strange curly haired boy makes me want to run. Run for miles on end.

In PSHE we've started talking about abuse. I really couldn't last in there. I ran out of class and hid in the toilets until the lesson was over and i've still yet to be asked for my perculiar reaction to what had happened.  

Then other times were just too many boys in one place. Pretending to flirt with me which made me want to throw up everywhere and run. 

Luckily for me, Alex was always there. The days ended with the usual screaming, laughter and bitching which keeps us happy. One day someone must remind me to thank her parents for not using contraception. Really. 

Today is going to be hard. Too hard. The teacher wants to see me and ask why i ran out of the classroom during lesson and i'm still trying to come up with some kind of excuse. I know it's the past nonetheless, telling a teacher something so personal should be illegal, especially when he's young and male like my teacher. 

 I have double music before lunch and then at the end of the day English. This is not going to be satisfying even in the slightest. I don't even want to walk through the school gates that a standing tall right in front of me right now. Gates to Hell.

Maths and geography were OK. Some stupid dilinquents kept laughing at me from behind in Maths and in Geography the girls were talking about pink frilly victoria secret bras which is definitely not my style. To be honest, I'll never understand why people would talk about something so private out in public. It's awkward and embarrasing. Also pink frilly bras have never fazed me. Just plain ones are fine. Patterned ones just make me cringe. 

It's break. Since the time i had to stand there and exchange terrified/angry looks with Harry i've followed Alex to collect her bacon sarnie everytime avoiding the situation to happen again. Alex doesn't know how bad my anxiety is collecting up but she doesn't really have a reason to know considering every time i see her i feel a little better. 

"COME WHAT MAY!" She belts in the middle of the cantine as we head back to our insanely large friendship group of misfits. We both giggle at a couple of weird looks that are shot at us before reaching the rest of the group. 

 Moulin Rouge is just our thing. 

Break time has gone to fast and i am already finding myself hiding in the toilets for five minutes before heading to double music with Harry. My hands are trembling at the seismic pulse of 3.0. 

Calm down.Just calm down Val.

I shake my entire body of stress and panic before bringing my breathing down to a much more pleasent rate before opening the cubicle door. 

 Eventually i reach the classroom and walk to my seat as casually as possible but i know that i look tense. When i look down at Harry, i can't help but notice the fierce clench of his fists on the desk. 

It's OK Val, nothing will happen. I tell myself but just as i sit down, Harry flips the table over and storms out leaving me panicking on my seat holding back tears. Something happened.