The Cynic and The Slugs

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The Cynic and The Slugs - 1

It's how everyone who just turned twenty-one end up pre-winter: flopping around in the mud. Like all the sane, (em)pathetic people I was on the hunt for slugs. Like all the sane, definitely pathetic people I was only doing it for the money.

I never cared for slugs. I didn't go to the festivals. I didn't stay over at my slug-in-laws'. I didn't care how our species were "entwined"— nor did I believe it. Call me desensitized because of all the slug propaganda.

With a dark outlook like this I tend to be the first to get downsized. No enthusiasm, no passion, no accomplishments, and the one that stings me the most, no money.

Hence the slugs.

What would've been rent money had been spent on Slugmix, a special mix that would turn my saliva into sticky stomach acid resistant fluid to coat the slug in.

A green-soled garden slug I didn't recognize was sliding through the mud. Damn the schools for pounding in all those stupid slug types into my head. The strip of flesh was about two inches long and very well alive. I flashed my flashlight a couple times to get its attention. It stops, swinging its palps around like that's going to do anything. I slap my hand down beside it and it gets to the tedious work of slithering on. I'm a bit surprised with how fast it goes though and I think of all the slug-haters using "slug" as a synonym for slow.

The slug's settling into my palm when I toss my head back and try to gulp the thing down. A second later it drops down and I feel it smack onto my tongue and slowly drip down into my throat. I gag. Come on, Denny, you can do this. For the free food! For the free health care! I swallow. The slug goes down but the slime stays.

I desperately yearn for the slug slime-destroying elixir in my pocket but I know I can't until the slugs passed into my intestines. The slug's stomach acid resistant enzyme coat didn't work against the elixir. I'd dry the slug out before I could say "First Banana Slug President".

Also I wanted to scream. Another thing I couldn't do. I was trespassing in my neighbor's garden to get these slugs. When I registered them of course I said I got them from my garden and they didn't care to check. If they did they'd see a slugless wasteland I called a backyard.

Really now I was doing my neighbor a favor. Quite of few of her garden's freeloaders were sluggards, lazy things that don't bother my insides. Though the slug I just downed was new I got the feeling it'd be the same as the others. Damn slug thugs. One scammed my mom out of my college funds, you know. You know what that fucker did with the money? ...I don't actually know. Probably evil slug things.

I always feel real proud of myself after chugging some slugs. The short work for a long pay off. Then I think how pathetic that'd look on a resumé. "Ate three slugs for free money." I've accepted I'm pathetic years ago, though. I knew I'd be struggling three quarters of the year. I knew I'd end up selling my intestines as a slug haven during winter.

I get up, wiping off some mud. After I jump the fence I get the hose going and start washing myself off.

I knew I'd never get anywhere. I know I'll never get better.

I went in and got the slugs registered. They scanned my insides and identified the slugs. We made the transaction—five thousand dollars for the month. They gave me the papers. I left with sweaty palms and a jittery grin.

The next few hours were a blur of junk food shopping and ice cream tasting. Oh, it was heaven. I lost track of all the cups of ice cream I'd had, the amount of shops I'd visited, and the flavors I indulged. At the grocery store my cart was absolutely loaded with junk food and movies; the cashier must've thought it was for a party. She would later find out it wasn't, though. We were neighbors. Her name was Flora Vaugrenard.

The backseat was stuffed with bulging white bags. The drive home was just as crowded.

Slugs were out and about enjoying their last days of warmth before having to stow away in people's insides—the dying warmth festival. It sounds depressing, but the giant pools full of dirt and slugs and "mind opening" plants really betray the name. I did a bit of a drive just to check it all out.

Humidifiers were topped on roofs and the majority of people were wearing slug clothes, or clothes by whatever those big name slugs were making. Posters of a movie starring a sea slug heroine speckled the area. There were some slugs running stands and the bars had been converted to slug bars. When I drove past one I looked in and saw all the tables and chairs had been removed and the floor was covered in soil. A ghost slug waitress was taking a strawberry over to a party of a dozen slugs. Some slugs were in cosplay. There were only two humans in there. I'm pretty sure I saw one of them chugging a cup of slugs. Some people, huh?

It was irritating as hell to get past the crowds but I managed after an hour. It took fifteen minutes to transport the bags into the house, which was just as annoying. Finally, once everything was good and done I hit the couch and turned on the TV.

It immediately opened to a cartoon's special episode about—you guessed it—slugs! I could only imagine how much slime the slugs got on the rest of the channels. Thankfully I prepared for this. I went through the movies I'd bought. They were all horror movies and the slugs tended to stay out of that genre. I put on a classic I'd never gotten to see.

I settled in, prepared for a long night of binge watching shows I hadn't gotten to see yet and dwindling my junk food supply.

Overall, it was looking to be a good day, and eventually a good night.

A sharp, stunning pinpoint of pain gripped my midsection. I doubled over, knocking over a bag of chips and almost spilling soda. I grasped my stomach, the pain dulling somewhat, though I could still feel the twinge. It felt like I'd been bitten.

Bitten by the twenty-seven thousand teeth of a slug.

WARNING!

Please don't eat slugs! The humans here have special equipment and years of experience with slug ingestion. But we don't and slug eating (and snails too) can cause serious infections and in some cases death!