Cole.

25. Escape

I felt that moment again, the one I’ve been feeling a lot lately, the one that has been making its way into my life more and more lately. The feeling of everything going slower than usual, feeling like everything around you is going in slow motion, but this time it was different. I was moving in slow motion, but the rest of the world was buzzing by me, the world around me unaware or uncaring of what was going on inside me.

I was looking around the room, seeing anything that might tip me off this was a joke. I had known since I even thought of kissing Benjamin that this was bound to happen, that I was bound to end up having to choose one or the other. But here Cole was, making the decision for me. Should I have been happier? Sadder? Angry? I didn’t know what I should be feeling, but the feeling I had right now; relief.

Little to even my own knowledge, my brain had made its mind up the minute I left the hospital after kissing Ben. My mind had already decided he was the one I wanted to be with, all the memories of past deeds came flooding back and I forgave him within minutes of remember everything. Just seeing him smile as we talked about our past made me want to be with him again.

And now here I was, sitting in this very uncomfortable chair, listening to my current boyfriend become my ex-boyfriend with four simple words.  I didn’t know if it was what I wanted to hear but I guess that’s what he wanted to say. Maybe this little trip he made had him thinking about his future, and I guess I wasn’t going to be a part of it, which was fine really.

“Okay.” I didn’t know what else to say the words that usually came flowing into my mind at a time like this had left me completely, I had nothing, no fight in me for this man. My brain shut off, it wanted nothing to do with what was going on right now. “I guess this means goodbye then?”

I got up, only to feel his hand grabbing my arm, his eyes were pleading with me, but his face was still expressionless, “I’m sorry, Derek. Do you even want me to explain why I don’t love you?”

“Not really. I just assumed it had something to do with something that I don’t think I really care about. Why would you need to explain yourself? You don’t love me, which is the way it is.” I shifted slightly, trying to free myself from his grasp, I just wanted to leave.

He stuttered for a second, finally releasing his grip from me, “I saw the way you looked at Benjamin all the time, I saw the way your eyes lit up when you talked about him, when you would speak his name. How am I supposed to battle the war for your heart when he already had a bigger army than me?”

I started laughing, “You never even gave it a chance, Cole. You were throwing out the idea of us being something even before we had officially decided on dating. Yes, Ben and I had been together for three years and yes, we had some absolutely amazing times in there. But there was never a war for my heart; you never had to build an army.”

He chuckled slightly, “Exactly. I didn’t need to start a war because you were still in love with Benjamin. I don’t care if you are, I just want to know; was there ever a chance you thought of me the same way you think of Benjamin?”

I didn’t mean to, but I started glaring at him. Who was this pathetic human being sitting in front of me? He was being self-loathing and it irritated me greatly, “I thought more of you at one point, but instead of trusting me, you shoved me away and expected me to keep a good relationship with you. And Kason, why the hell was he always around? You never shoved him away and he almost killed me. If that doesn’t show contempt, then I don’t know what does Cole. I’m sorry, but we were never meant to be. I think you need to think about Kason, because it looks to me like you two would have been prefect for each other.”

I stormed out of the conference room before I could let him respond, my anger taking a toll on my emotions. As mad as I was, the tears from the conversation threatened to spill out of my eyes. God, what have I become? I was never this angry before.