Dear Kyle

Dear Kyle – May 6 2014, Music and trust

Have you ever wanted to start a journal but had nothing to write about?

What am I supposed to say, do I tell you my feelings about every day life? Am I supposed to have a life to need feelings in the first place? Nothing exciting ever happens to me.

Maybe that's why I day dream so much. You know? Sometimes I just wish I was somebody not just Kate. Like I dream that I'm a singer, that people actually know who I am and the like my music. I’ll go waling a lot and listen to music and just pretend that its mine and I'm the one on stage singing it, it’s an insane unrealistic dream that I know will never happen because I’m not even that talented but I wish that it didn't have to be just some silly little day dream. I want to be good at something I like. That's probably why I like being a techie so much. It’s something I can learn and natural talent doesn't Matter as much, but that’s not the only reason, oh well we'll get to that.

I still want that life Kyle, and I know that I will never have it. It sounds like I want fame, I don’t just saying, It would just be nice to get myself out there, for a stranger to hear my voice and think it’s good, for me to have affected them in some way with my voice, that’s why I started the YouTube thing, which ended very quickly due to my lack to being able to cope with rejection. Basically people at school found out about it and I am too embarrassed to put myself out there even though no one said anything bad. It’s been two years and I'm still too scared of rejection to put myself out there. And I know that it doesn’t matter how many excuses I make I know that it will always be up to me. I am the one who has made the decisions to be afraid, to care, and that I no way is a bad thing but if I care so much that it stops me from doing the ONE thing that brings me true happiness is it worth caring? Yes, but I want to know why the people here judge me, what did I do? Is it because I’m friends with Lohgann like really? What am I to them, I’m the quiet hardworking girl to some people and to others the crazy loud procrastinating non-judgy girl to others and I don’t know which I prefer Kyle.

And on top of all of that People tell me things, things that are really big, like the biggest secrets you tell someone, and they trust me with them, and I have no idea why. They barley even know me and then Randy goes and tells me that he is going to be a farther, and he’s known me for literally a week, and I’ve done nothing to earn that kind of trust and I mean I could quite easily tell Lohgann right now, “Hey Lulu Randy is going to be a father,” see it’s as easy as that, but I won’t and I know I won’t but he doesn’t, although I am telling the world right now so that might be a little bit contradictory to my whole I will never tell your secret thing. But in reality no one will know, I’m just telling you Kyle, the non-existent guy that I keep dreaming about who doesn’t have a face,

that’s a story for another time though. Let’s get back to the whole trust thing and about how it makes no sense, what on earth am I doing with my life Kyle? You know what? Imma just gonna sleep on it.

Goodnight Kyle, Sweet dreams