Aftermath: The Dark Artifices 2.1 (Lord of Shadows, Cassandra Clare)

Julian Tries to Keep Everything Together

Julian wasn't sure how much time had passed since the meeting. Days at least, but for all he knew it could've been weeks, months, years. He felt like he had aged six decades since that day. They were back in the LA Insitute, home for the Blackthorns, but right now it didn't feel like it. He wasn't sure if this was better or worse, being home was familiar, but being back without Livvy, that was torture. Her presence was everywhere, every room seemed to be filled with a piece of her waiting for her to return and Julian could barely stand it. He wanted to hide all her things, partly so he didn't have to look at them and be reminded, but he couldn't bring himself to touch them. Her shoes were still scattered through the house, a pair by the front hall, some in the kitchen, more in the training room. Clothes and various items left casually around common areas. It hurt worse than any physical pain he ever felt.

No one had come to take over the institute yet, according to Emma the decision had been postponed, but it was only a matter of time. Each day he was waiting for the rest of the ground to crumble underneath him. He already felt like he was sinking in quicksand, he didn't know how much longer he could go on like this. Emma put her hand on his shoulder, squeezing slightly. He hadn't even realized she was behind him, though that's how it had been in the aftermath of Livvy's death. Emma shadowing him, sympathy and grief pouring off her, her concern like a living thing at his back.

He couldn't remember how he had reacted in the Hall. His mind had blacked out, overcome with pain, grief, and his lack of control. This was something he couldn't fix. He remembered hands on him trying to separate him from Livvy's body. The blood-soaked in his clothes, matting them to his skin. Blood on his hands, smeared across his face and in his hair in desperation. He faintly remembered screaming, but after that things got fuzzy. The next image he had was Ty being carried out of the Hall, seemingly unconscious.

At that moment he thought he had lost them both and the pain knocked him flat, sagging in Emma's grip, the other Shadowhunter's having released him, as his body was headed toward the floor. Emma whispering or yelling, he couldn't be sure, that Tiberius was alright in his ear. He remembered seeing Kit, Helen, and Mark's stunned, tear-streaked faces through the crowd then blackness. The next thing he remembered was being in a small bathroom, likely somewhere in the Gard. Mark's tear-stained face filling his vision, helping him undress. Clothes were sticking to him with dried blood, the blood of his baby. Barely making it to the toilet to throw up, shaking so hard he could scarcely support himself. Mark holding him up as he retched long after his stomach had emptied.

Next thing he knew, Ty was screaming in his arms, wanting to go home. His real home in Los Angeles and Julian swore he would make it happen. He would've burned down the entire world if it had soothed even a fraction of his brother's pain. They had gotten to come home, but so far it hadn't been kind to them.

Now, Julian stood in the kitchen, mechanically making grilled cheese sandwiches that no one was going to eat. Hardly anyone had been eating, including Julian, though he continued to make food and shove it in front of siblings in an attempt to persuade them to at least try to eat. An earth-shattering scream of pain broke the silence, causing him to jump and burn the side of his hand on the stove. He swore, instinctually putting the burn to his mouth, and took off a sprint down the hall. He knew that sound, Tiberius. Ty had been in a constant state of meltdown since his sister's death, every sound or touch or sensation setting him over the edge. He hadn't been able to hold anything down, not even water, and Julian felt as though he was in a constant state of panic over him. Words only erupted from like they were pulled from deep within his chest, coming out in these raw and primal screams. The sound came again, but this time Julian could hear his name, and it felt like someone had reached into his chest and was slowly scratching and tearing away at his beating heart.