takes a bit more • matthew healy

xv.) eyes

we've been in the car for nearly two hours now, and earlier we had stopped over at a gasoline station where matty and his friends did some coke in the bathroom while i settled for marijuana inside the comfort of this really neat van that smells like cherries. jamie had stayed with me together with their designated driver, declining my invite of sharing a joint with me.

"is he your boyfriend now? matthew?" he had asked after my third hit. he was sitting in the passenger seat, busy on his laptop actually, but i had felt that he was trying to be polite by starting up a conversation, even though i had been sitting at the back.

i remember shaking my head, smiling at this reputable man politely. "it hasn't come up, actually."

"well, that viral photo of you two surely could amount to something." he had chuckled. "so, um, rhiannon, is it?"

"yes."

jamie had sighed. "see, matty and the lads... they're, uhm, quite on the way to the peak of their careers as musicians, i'm pretty sure you understand?"

i had felt a lump in my throat. "y-yes."

"and i've been managing this band even before they've released the EPs, way before they're even the slightest bit of famous." jamie had his attention all on me at that point. "i don't want them—or matty, for that matter—to get a bad rep for... let's say... dating someone significantly younger than them."

i had seen it coming. i had definitely seen it coming.

how come i had been so surprised when it came from the mouth of the living reason this band is going on tour?

"okay." the weed stopped taking effect on me, and i was too nauseous from what jamie had said to take another hit. "i... i guess i won't show myself to any show, then."

he had looked relieved. "thank you." jamie had given me a smile, and i was all ready to fucking vomit.

thankfully, the boys had arrived shortly afterwards, and i had been too surprised to utter a single word.

we're now near newcastle, and matty is still high, running his hand in my hair while i'm laying on his lap. it feels soothing, to have someone do that to you. i think matty's subconsciously doing it, actually, because he's got his eyes closed and he's humming a michael jackson song, smiling wide.

this man.

he looks like a fucking angel without even trying.

i chuckle, just observing him in his high state. "drugs taking quite a hard toll on you, hmm?"

"the way you make me feel is fucking stuck in my head like some sort of loop, rhiannon, make it stop." he replies, poking my nose. and then he starts laughing. "hey, ross, did anyone ever tell you you've got such beautiful hair?"

ross is lying down at the far back of the van, typing something on his phone right next to adam, who is fast asleep. "i fancy my hair too, matthew, thank you very much."

"that man. such beautiful beard." matty mumbles, twirling my hair softly. "and you've got beautiful eyes, rhiannon, has anyone ever told you that as well?"

i giggle. "i'd love to compliment your eyes, but they're dilated from all the coke you took in."

matty frowns, closing his eyes. "mmm... blue eyes, blue eyes, you've got such incredible blue eyes, love."

his voice is a drug in itself, i think, just watching matty as he finally stays silent and before i knew it, is fast asleep. even from afar, i can feel jamie's stare at the both of us from the rearview mirror or something. it still makes me feel sick, really, how everyone seems to be against me joining this tour. even i'm against it, to be quite frank. it's just that being with matthew feels too good to decline. i don't make sense, i'm aware of this, but who would say no to someone who had just looked determined to have you? even if it's just for a few damn weeks...