Out of Control (I Wish... and Confusion Trilogy)

Chapter 39

|| "My love's like a star. You can't always see me but you know that I'm always there."

Chapter song: My Love is Like a Star by Demi Lovato ||

(Becca's p.o.v.)
-10am-
Justin gathers all his luggage and sets it by the garage door. We woke up an hour ago, and he asked if I wanted to go to Chicago with him. Without thinking twice, I declined; I'm not doing so well. My whole body hurts, and I just want to stay home where it's safe and private. Checking social media would be a terrible idea, because I'm pretty sure the video of me calling myself a whore went viral. And my nudes are out, so I don't want to show my face around anyone. It's embarrassing to know how weak, pathetic, and vulnerable I am. The whole world has seen my most personal moments, crying and skinny dipping with Justin. Just thinking about it makes me want to disappear and never show my face again. Ever.

"You're gonna be ok here?" Justin zips up his black jacket while staring deeply at me.
"Yeah. Sorry I'm not going," I wearily sit on the couch, watching him prepare to leave.
"It doesn't bother me, baby," he smiles affirmatively. "Hey, do me a favor. Get some rest for me. You deserve it," Justin holds my hands, making me stand up from the couch.
"I will," I smile weakly in just his shirt and sweatpants.
"I'll see you...on Thursday. Wow, 3 days," he pouts cutely, and I grin at him.
"That's a lot," I bite my lip as his eyes lower.
"I'll call you. If you need anything-anything at all-don't be afraid to call me. Ok?" he cups my face in his loving hands.
"Ok."
"I love you," he presses his forehead against mine.
"I love you too," I kiss him, which causes him to pull me closer. "Bye beautiful," Justin heads for the garage door and picks up his luggage.
"Bye," I wave at him; then the door shuts closed. Loneliness hits me so fast, and I have no clue what to do. A huge wave of tears causes me to release them, and i can't help it. I break down, because I've been postponing it for Justin.

I cry because everything is so hard. Life wasn't supposed to be this complicated, so painful. It used to be me and Justin against the world, but now it's me against myself. Me against all this heavy anxiety.

(Justin's p.o.v.)
I miss her already. Becca staying home is the best option, but damn, I miss her. I'm worried about her. I'm scared for her. Is her heart rate steady? Are her medications making her sick yet? Did I leave her enough food in the fridge? Is she too cold? Every second since I left involves my constant worry for her.

Khalil and Za are meeting me in Chicago before my show. They keep good company for me, but it doesn't replace Becca. Nothing does. My heart hangs low with guilt. So many people expect so much from me, and it's not just Becca. It's everyone. I have to keep this tour going as long as I can, for the sake of my team members' jobs. I have to post on social media, for sake of my fans' well being. I have to fucking wake up and be Justin Bieber the Pop Star, for the sake of my job. All the things I do are for other people, and it's so overwhelming and exhausting. My heart's only so big. My arms are only so strong. I'm neither big nor strong enough to satisfy everyone. And I just don't know if it's worth trying.

-3pm-
The whole trip to Chicago I've been stressing out, waiting impatiently. I don't even know what for. Becca's not here, but maybe I can call her. So that's exactly what I do. The phone rings a couple times before she picks up.
"Hey Justy," Becca sounds happy to hear me. That's a good sign.
"Baby, I'm in Chicago," I feel so much better hearing her voice.
"That's great. Are you ok?" she asks softly.
"Yeah babe. Is everything ok over there?" I scratch my head, a little nervous about leaving her.
"Yeah..." Her voice still contains fear and anxiety. I wonder if her eyes reveal the same emotions.
"I miss you too much. It wasn't this bad last time," I go ahead and confess my loneliness to her.
"Aw, baby, I miss you too. Is anyone with you?" she asks from miles away, thousands of heartbeats away.
"Khalil and Za are gonna meet me," I see the car starting to park at my hotel.
"That's good."
"Hey babe, I've gotta go. I'm at my hotel," I take off my seatbelt, briefly examining to crowd outside.
"Oh ok. I'll call you later," she assures me, so I tell her that I'll have my phone on me.
"I love you," she finally says, and it makes me remember that I live for her. Everyday, I live for her.
"I love you too," I crack a smile before hanging up.