Random Thoughts

Running Away From Death But Never Escaping Fate June 3, 2016

It was my last day working for a client of mine at Home Helpers, just four days after learning my dad had passed away. Two tragedies were befalling that family at the time. The first was a great great granddaughter was in trouble of losing baby something about she was dilating too early and too fast (I believe she was only about four months along) and was being rushed to St Lukes Hospital (one downtown) all the way from Rifle, CO I believe. That's 185 miles which is about a 3 hour drive and the family (and I mean the family from immediate to greats to great greats near and far) immediately started praying (don't worry I promise this part of story is relevant). The other was my clients friend who also happened to be her daughter's mother in law had passed away while clients daughter and husband had been in the mountains on a fishing trip. Obviously the son felt bad about choosing a trip with his wife over staying in town close to his ailing mother; just as I felt bad choosing a non-negative existence over staying by the side of my lonely, depressed father.
The daughter of client after helping her husband with funeral preparation had came over to her mother to cry and talk. As I'm sitting there listening to this family having convo about being Catholic and their religion and their faith. Everything from how nuns at Catholic schools beat them with rulers (which today would be considered child abuse) to how the teachings in their church helped them cope with death and how their hell had a purgatory where you are given the chance to get it right and make it to heaven. As I'm listening I start having an out of body experience either that or I had a major zone out lol. But anyways, you ever get that feeling that someone on the other side is trying to shake sense into you so you can get a wake up call. Well anyways my phone had also decided to stop working the moment I had got into work so I had no choice but to be in the moment and listen to this family. At that moment a quote from one of the books I read as a child, one of the ones that helped me stay in the light came into my head "1 SINNER is WORTH 100 HOLY MEN." In that moment I had to look up at God and silently say in my head I'm listening and nod.

I did my darnest to run away (those who know me that's my M.O) and not have to deal with the reality of my dad had passed or my emotions I felt with that reality. That never again would he leave a drunken voicemail, never again would he light up and smile happily at my daughter when we unexpectedly visit, never again replay stories I've heard a 1000 times as a kid, never again give me insight into the kind of woman my mom was, never again would he give me insight to the mentality of the man he was and me argue with him about why his mental pissed me off, never again would he show me his frailty when all I ever knew him for was the strength and valor that scared me, never again would we debate our differences in thoughts, beliefs, values and morals, never again would he confess his sins to me as if I held the answer to his redemption, never would I get the chance to tell him I needed his support and encouragement to go far and succeed in this world; the same way he had needed my obedience and quick wits to be a successful single father, it would just be never again, no second chances, no what ifs and it would never be the same. However, there would always be HOPE and a higher probability he would be everything I needed him to be when he came out on the other side. I bottled up all those hopes I had for him, all those what ifs, all the sins he confessed to me, all the happy moments and in the very moment my clients family received the phone call that their prayers had worked (the granddaughters cervix had closed up and she had stopped dilating) I sent my thoughts up to the Heavens.
When I had clocked out and was driving home, I said a prayer out loud, raw emotion and truth, every anger, every sadness, every hurt I felt and I ended it with I forgive him just him give him that chance to be one of those one sinners and to be with my mom. I even told the Man Above even if it means I have to bear my dads sins so he gets the shot I'm willing to do it. Lord knows even after what he had did to me and what he did to my mom and my mom in her way forgave him when she had found out that took a lot of anger, hurt and sadness for me to release on that car ride to tell the Lord that. Cause at the end of the day that's my dad and I love him and because I love him and in his own way he loved me he deserves to be with someone he can love like a wife who loves him in turn, despite the ish he did here on earth in his fleshly body. In my eyes dying alone the way he did was a fate worst than death and he had repented and had paid for all the dirt he did here on Earth. He had paid his dues so he deserved his Paradise on the other side. It is my fervent hope that, that is exactly what he is getting; my mother, his only one true love.

So I guess the moral of story I'm trying to get is pray through your emotions. Sad, angry, happy, hurt, lost. The Lord will respect your honesty more than he will respect your deceit. Pray about YOUR EMOTIONS at that time in that moment wherever you find yourself speaking with GOD or JESUS, whichever. I do both depending on the situation; I personally think Jesus is more understanding to the human based acts of emotions like doing something out of anger, giving into temptation, etc cause he spent time in the flesh but that's just me and my thinking is weird. ANYHOW, don't get prayer twisted and thinking that praying something hateful to happen to someone else or praying for earthy gains and those prayers get answered is an answered prayer from ON HIGH. DO NOT BE SO EASILY FOOLED. If prayers do not come from the heart and soul from your untapped emotions you hide from the world and for something positive I find there to be a disconnect and I don't feel better after or have an uplifting of hope wash over me but then again that's just me. So if you're new to praying or the whole spiritual thing I guess what I'm saying is that it doesn't take much to connect with the Heavens: you need a way to speak or write your words and you need to be honest. I mean how can you say you 100 if you can't be 100 with yourself and the Entity that Sees and Knows All. Realizing that and going back to the basics of reading which helped me find a lot of highlighted quotes I had done the first time I had read my books, helped me release my emotions, start the grieving process and write an obituary and eulogy that focused on the positive of my dad's life. After all, when my time comes I hope that whoever the unfortunate person who has to one day do it for me will look at the positives of my life and Leave Out All the Rest (couldn't help it Linkin Park was fitting here lol)


Quote from one of my books:
"The wail of despair that came up from inside her was from somewhere so core that even rocking as she released it didn't stop it from ripping at the cloth of who she was. This man that she had prayed for, hoped for, saw the good in and knew could change...had the will and the intellect, and had fallen. And not just fallen to the things of the world, like a gun, a lock-down, no, but he'd fallen so deep into the abyss that there was no bringing him back. Yet much of it was his choice. She'd tried to tell him, a long, long time ago.....some shit you just didn't fuck with, the dark realm was one of those things, to name a few. Machismo, male drama, he'd rolled out every day dangling by a thread between life and death or worse-half life. And she'd seen so many fine brothers, just like him-leaving people to wail and pray after their souls......Although she knew life wasn't fair, was a grown woman, a vampire huntress that they proclaimed had some invincible, powerful, unstoppable vibe within her-and could bring it, in this very private moment of personal defeat-she wished so desperately that it could be fair-just once. What if? Basic reality and life was kicking her ass. Watching a person come so close to making the right choice, and then watching them become so entrenched and afraid to step off from the old and into the new, and then watching them drift back to their old ways like it was a comfortable sweater, and watching helpless unable to do a thing about it at all when time just decided to run out on them, felt like unparalled defeat. Even being a baaaad sister didn't stop this type of shit from hurting. Mar had tried to warn her. Said it wasn't a flesh wound, wasn't nuthin' to play with, couldn't be sewn up with stitches....couldn't be sewn up in a splint- but eventually she would have to set it straight to survive, not being able to breathe from the pain. It was a rite of passage-stepping off, leaving the dead in body, mind, and spirit, and moving on. But Heaven hear her cry, this one really hurt." –The Awakening, L.A. Banks