MY FATE FOR YOURS

Chapter 28- RACHEL

Rachel

 I lean against the faded siding of Carl's as I listen to Eamon drive away, and blink furiously to keep from crying. I don't get it. Everything in his eyes and the way he touches me, and watches me says he feels the way I do, but when he actually has to do something outside of his own world, he can't do it. Once. One time I want him to set his shit aside for me. The basin isn't going anywhere, he could have told Tobin no. He could have put me first.

"Rachel?" Carl pokes his head out of the door, and his face falls at the expression on mine. "Go on home. I can deal with this."

"But, I--"

His brows go up. "Go. Call one of your girlfriends and go home. You've been distracted, and I know part of it is that you need some actual time off. Not just a weekend. And not just some recovery from the other night."

I slide off my apron and hand it to him, only just realizing that tears have soaked my face and the front of my shirt. The worst part is that I know Eamon would hate that he made me cry. He would do anything to make it better...except for showing up on time to begin with.

Carl pulls out my tips and hands the bills to me. I know I shouldn't take them but I really need the money.

"I'm so sorry."

"Go take care of yourself, Rach. I can't have you here like this. You left me in the lurch last weekend, and you haven't been yourself since you got back. I want to give you an extra chance, but you need to make sure you can do this job, okay?"

Each word pounds into me. Make sure I can do this job... I ball my hands into fists I'm so frustrated with myself.

I push off the building and slide off the lace shirt off, leaving me in my tank. I was stupid for getting dressed up. Stupid for thinking Eamon had it in him. Stupid for a lot of things. Even when I climb into my car and sit, I wish Eamon had stuck around. That we could try our night now. But it's too late. I'm hurt and he probably feels like an ass. I just don't know how to let him go, and mostly because I don't want to.

And then fear grips at my chest because I can't lose this job.

When I get home, Mama's already asleep, so I turn on some music real quiet, and start cleaning the clean kitchen. It's always tricky staying on top of everything after one of Mama's surgeries. Maybe I can get ahead now. I check my phone every few minutes, but don't get anything. I pick up my phone to send Eamon a text, but don't know what to say. It's all winding up inside me making it hard to breathe.

I turn on the music just a tiny bit louder, close my eyes and try to forget my night.

***

The hospital is full of bustling bodies like it always is mid-morning. I slump low in my chair, knowing I still have hours before Mama's. It's silly that I'm here but I can't imagine going shopping or getting the oil changed while my mom is drugged up and passed out so they can cut away some of the scar tissue around her spine. It just seems wrong.

Kelly found out for sure that she'll be sticking around this winter, so working more hours at the shooting range is out. I quit my job at the paper, and they hired a sixteen year old who they pay a lot less than they paid me, so that's done. The job working with Doc will only last through the summer, and Carl isn't sure if I should be working there anymore. If I'm honest, I'm not either. I don't want to deal with drunks. I just want things to be a little bit easier.

I feel like I'm carrying a huge load of lumber and trying to keep the weight balanced, but I don't know how to do that. I can't do it alone, and I don't have anyone to help me. Maybe I just expected too much from Eamon because I need a shoulder, and he was the closest one.