How It's Always Been ( Tsubaki x Kousei )

How It's Always Been

"You love Kaori. You loved her all along." I turn to Kousei with a sad smile. He perks up with a look of surprise on his face, as if realizing what had be obvious to the rest of the world. Kousei meets my eyes and I swear I have never seen them look so... sparkly. 

Kousei looks lost for a moment, thinking of something or... someone. I wish I could be the one he thinks of. He turns back forward and looks thoughtfully, his thoughts thinking of good memories, a person, a place, I wasn't quite sure. I turn back forward and look hopelessly at the rain as it splashes gently against puddle forming at our feet. 

A moment of silence lingers between us, nothing but the trickle of water to disturb our thoughts. My words hold a thickness in air, a sort of distancing between the two of us that I had never felt before with Kousei. She was the wall, the new found separation between us. She was the music. She was the barrier between what I couldn't have.

 Could I be mad at her? 

Of course not. I may be jealous... afraid... frustrated... scared... but I would never be mad at her. I loved her too. She had stolen my heart just as she stole Watari's and Kousei's. She had stolen all of our hearts just with her presence. She didn't even need to do anything. She showed up in our lives and she instantly fit, like the missing piece to a puzzle. And yet I still felt so angry with how she had his heart. She didn't even like him. She didn't know him the way that I did... and yet some how her feelings reached him.

I turned to Kousei, my Kousei, and shouted, "Well its not going to happen okay?! Kouri is all head over heals for Watari. She always has been dummy! As if she'd ever give you a second look." Kousei's eyes show a moment of surprise then... amusement? What was funny about this? Are my feelings getting through?

"Yeah I know." He said, a look of contentment overcoming his face as he continued wearing that same dorky smile.

"When it comes to girls you're not going to beat him. Next to him they wouldn't even see you." I shout. He still has that stupid look on his face. How can he be so dam calm all the time?!

"You're right." He said, looking back out at the lazy rain drops. I step back slightly, studying his face. 

You liar... I think to myself. You told me that you would stay with me... I remember him. All those times he's been there for me. All those times he smiled and played the piano. You told me you'd be there for me. You've known me forever and you can't tell what I'm feeling... The familiar aching feeling returns to my chest as I study his face. Can you?

Im not even a girl to you, huh? You've never seen me as one. My chest... he isn't even with Kouri and I can feel him being taken away. 

I shuffle forward, returning my stare to the hazy gray landscape. It's time... I can almost hear Kouri's voice tell me. I readjust the can in my hands, its cold surface stinging the tips of my fingers. "Stop acting like a moron." This seems to make Kousei smile, which does little to mend my aching heart. "Kouri likes him. That's just how it is." I can feel him next to me, unfazed, unchanged, completely accepting.

I bring my can up to my lips and pause, letting out a sigh with a puff of steam that cascades and slowly fades away. I look into the rain. This moment is ours. Not Kouri's, not your mothers... it's ours. 

"Maybe..."

I take a breath. The word lingers between us, putting a crack in the wall.

"You should fall in love with me instead." I say, watching the rain. The wall between us crumbles and I can feel my heart beating out of my chest. I wonder if his heart feels the same, like a billion stars are sparkling all at once. Like glitter is filling you up.

I take a deep breath in, breathing in the cold rainy air. We continue looking forward.

He laughs.

Not the big kind. Not the kind where you make a real sound. The small kind, when you blow out a slightly larger breath of air through your nose and feel your chest heave slightly. The simple kind. 

"I know I'd never beat Watari. I know that I'm nothing compared to him. I know that he's the one Kouri likes. I know that I don't have a chance." He says, studying the rain and it splashes carelessly at our feet. "The thing is..." He pauses for air, a pause that is almost completely unbearable for my heart. "I don't need to impress Kouri. I don't need to beat Watari and I don't need to be seen by girls next to him. Cause I have something he doesn't have." Kousei turns towards me slightly, a soft and sincere smile on his face.

"I have you."

My breath hitches in my throat as I look at him. His eyes... they sparkle like the sky in a way I'd never seen before. His smile... I've never seen this one in all the years I've known him. Is this smile reserved for me? I'm suddenly aware of the warmth of my cheeks and the streaks of water that now anoint my eyes. I let them fall and his smile grows, giving me a gentle look.

"After all... we are a team. Tsubaki and Kousei... remember?" Kousei asked. He gazed back out to the street, looking away from me. "You really are a dummy Tsubaki. Kouri is great but... I never loved her. I always loved you." Kousei turned away from me, looking back into the street. "That's how it's always been."

"But... the piano... the music... you only started playing again for Kouri. You love Kouri." I try to convince him, trying desperately to stop the tears as I wipe them off my cheeks.

"I do. But not in that way. I didn't start playing for her. I started playing because of her. She reminded me that I can play with sincerity. I can play with emotions. Since she taught me that I was playing for you." Kousei paused, turning towards me once again. "Did I reach you?"

His eyes looked upon me sweetly. The tears increased as I grabbed onto him, taking him into my arms. I felt his heart increase as he held me back. My tears staining his shirt as we stood. He smelled of the music room with a tint of rain. This is how it's always been; Tsubaki and Kousei. The quiet between us interrupted only by the rain hitting the puddle bellow. I love him. I've always loved him... I understand now. When he looks out into the audience it isn't for his mom. It's for me. I refused to accept the signs that he put there. I refused to see how it's always been... I refused to see the look in his eyes that he only gave to me.

"I'm sticking by your side forever and ever. Like I was covered in super glue." I said. It seemed silly but maybe it was. That's just who we are.

Kousei pulled back and looked at me, really looked at me, just like I had wanted all those times that he looked at Kouri. And he just smiled. And I just smiled. And we laughed. And in that moment there was no need for words. There was already enough said.