Brew Books

Chapter 46

When I get inside I head straight to the bar and buy two tequila shots, because tequila feels right about now. I shot them both at the bar, and then make my way back to the group, licking salt from my lips.

'All good?' Ed asks me when I approach, and I just shrug and roll my eyes and grab onto Sylvie and Kitty to dance with them.

It doesn't take long for the the tequila to hit, mixed with all the previous drinks, and I'm aware as I'm dancing how drunk I become, quickly. But dancing like this feels good, and it takes my mind off Harper, and I let myself go. I just want to dance and dance, all night, and deal with the headache tomorrow.

I don't even notice Kitty leave, but when she returns she has Harper in tow, and a bunch more drinks. I don't even need another drink, but I take it anyway, and drink it faster than I should because I don't want to hold onto it, I just want to dance.

Kitty's as drunk as I am, and we're both wild with our dancing, and I've completely forgotten why I'm annoyed with her, or that I should be annoyed with her at all. I just want to dance with her, and Sylvie, and Charlotte, and try to angle myself to dance closer to Harper. If I dance near Harper, maybe he'll pull me towards him. Maybe he'll make a move.

Harper doesn't make a move, and although I'm hyper-aware of where he is behind me, I try not to look at him. Honestly, I'm just trying to dance as sexily as I can, right in front of him, to provoke him. But it's not working.

The girls and I head to the bathrooms again, and I grab them together in a hug and take selfies in the mirror for Instagram, because when I'm feeling low about myself there's something about posting photos on the internet that gives me a boost of instant gratification. It always makes me feel better for a short amount of time.

So when I post a cute snap of me, Sylvie, Charlotte and Kitty, and see how many people view my Instagram - including, to my delight, Drew, almost instantly - it makes me feel more confident. And I feel like I can go back out there into the night.

But when we get back out onto the dance floor, Harper and Will are gone, and it's just Ed, alone. He is holding onto his beer bottle, and dancing in a lowkey way to the music, as if he doesn't mind that he's by himself. I throw my arms around him from behind, and put my chin up on his shoulder.

'Isn't this boy adorable?' I say to Sylvie and Kitty. 'He's my favourite.'

Ed laughs and pulls out of my grip and turns to face me. 'Now you're drunk, Jane.'

I laugh and shrug. 'Where did Will go?' I say, and by that I mean, "where did Harper go?"

Ed rolls his eyes. 'I think Will's searching for his ex. I don't think he's here. And Harper's smoking.'

We dance until they return, and when they do I throw my arms around Will enthusiastically. My plan has become to get Harper's attention by giving attention to everyone but Harper, so I hug Will and dance with him, and then go back to the girls and pull them together to dance. I'm getting drunker, and so is Kitty, so when we dance together it's hilarious, and it's almost like how we were as children.

Kitty and I used to spend every waking second together when we were young. Hours and hours spent running around the beach, swimming, looking for shells, playing in the arcade on the pier, or eating chips or ice cream on the sand. We'd jump on my bed, or make forts out of the pillows and spare sheets. We'd always hang out at my house, because her house was smaller and she didn't have as many toys.

When we were kids, adults could barely tell us apart. Now, dancing, it's like Kitty and I have always been one person, joined together in rhythm. And we're both drunk, and laughing, and having the wildest night of our lives.

I don't even notice when Harper goes off again, but I notice he's not there again when I pull away from Kitty and try to include Sylvie in our little circle. And then I accidentally bash my arm into Ed, so I grip onto his forearms and laugh while I apologise, and he grins, but I don't hear what he says.

I look around for Harper again, but he's still not here, and then Ed's the one dancing with me, which isn't really what I wanted, but I let it happen, because I'm thinking it might get Harper's attention. Harper might get jealous.

'Jane, put your phone away,' Ed tells me, and I look up, and realise we're now off the dance floor, and leaning on a bar table. I can't really remember Ed leading me here, but I realise I was staring at Instagram for a while, looking at the people who had viewed my story. Searching for some instant gratification. Searching for a name that would give me a hit of dopamine. What I want, I realise, is for Harper to have seen my story. For Harper to know that I'm having a great time. But he's here, tonight, and he doesn't even have Instagram. What I want doesn't even make sense.

'I'm drunk,' I say, as I drop my phone on the floor. Ed and I both duck down to pick it up at the same time, but I lose my balance, so he has to grab onto me.

'You are definitely drunk,' he says. 'Want to sit down for a bit?'

'Where are the others?' I ask.

'Still dancing,' Ed says, and he points them out, but I can't really see through the flashing lights and smoke.

'Wanna sit?' Ed asks.

'Yeah,' I say, and allow him to lead me further back, towards sofas.

I take deep breaths when I sit down. Ed is giving me water, but I don't remember him getting it from the bar. Everything's a bit fuzzy, now. I'm really drunk.

'Where's everyone else?' I ask.

'Dancing,' Ed repeats. 'Don't worry about them. Just drink some water. We can go home, if you want.'

I shake my head. 'I don't want to go home. I have so much energy.' And it's true. Usually, being this drunk, I'd be ready to fall into bed, but the line of coke has given me an energy I'm not used to, and although I'm drunk, it's impossible to imagine going to bed right now.

I finish the glass of water, and I say, 'Come on Ed, let's dance,' and drag him back off the sofa. For some reason I manage to forget where the dance floor is, so Ed has to lead me back, and we find the others.

Ed doesn't let go of my hand, and I don't let go of his. It's kind of nice, holding his hand.

Harper's not even watching me; he's dancing with Kitty, and seems to be pretending I don't exist. Which is fine. I can pretend he doesn't exist too.

Fuck Harper, I think.

So I dance with Ed. And I take in his button up shirt, with the paisley pattern, and his ginger hair, and his thick brows, and that little bit of ginger-blonde stubble he allows to grow around his mouth and jaw, because it's soft. I find myself placing my hand on Ed's chin, and touching his stubble, just to feel how soft it is. It's not coarse, like some guys' stubble. I graze my thumb along Ed's top lip, and I realise that Ed is staring at me, but he's not angry, like he usually is.

He says something, but I can't hear him, because it's too loud, and I'm too drunk.

But I don't want to listen to anything Ed has to say. I just want to put my lips on his, and see whether it tastes like coffee.

• Author's Note •

OKAY THOUGHTS? GO!

ED OR HARPER? seriously who who who?

And here's another question for the chapter, just to keep the discussion going in the comments...

What book did you read as a child that got you obsessed with reading? Or what book stuck with you and you still love 'til this day?

elle xx