His Face All Green

chills

For some reason, I've been feeling left out lately.

I don't understand why. I don't have people to ignore me. I only have one person, but he's still talking to me. Even then, it's not like I don't log onto our chatroom - I do, and that's what's confusing me.

Could it be the fact that he's talking to other people?

[Oh whoa, congrats!!!! What's her name?]

He's typing.

[Sophie!! She's super nice and stuff!!!]

[Oh damn, I'm glad she turned out to be a good person haha,,]

He's taking his time on this message.

[Thanks for telling me to talk to her. man. I can't believe I have someone besides you now.]

[Hahaha np, I'm proud of you.]

[Lol you should be,, it took so long for me to actually approach her, I can't believe it.]

I can feel Brandon's words smiling, radiating with warmth.

Brandon is my best friend - actually, he's the only person who's been with me long enough to stick to me, since he's dealt with me since we were children. Ever since our meeting, we haven't been able to get enough of each other. We've always been standing shoulder to shoulder, depending on each other as if we were the only two people in the world. Of course, we weren't, but to me, we were.

I know. I should have more friends. I need new friends. I can't depend on Brandon all the time.

Especially if he has other people to talk to.

[And it's not just her. I actually made more friends, dude!!!]

[Wait, you actually got out of your house since school?]

[Hey shut up. We're almost adults, so I better learn how to talk to people]

[True.]

At least he's getting somewhere. Brandon is my only friend, so it's not like I'm any better than him. If anything, I should learn from him. And although I'm happy for him, I can't shake this disgusting feeling of envy from my heart.

Brandon goes on about his new friends, and how they've been so kind and thoughtful towards him. He's glad they're actual good people, how stepping out of his comfort zone was worth it, whatever. He's rambling and rambling, spamming out message box with tens of messages at a time.

And honestly, watching a sea of [They're so nice]'s and [I love her]'s flowing by is making me feel like shit.

We're friends, I know that. But it doesn't necessarily make me feel loved when he's pouring his heart out to people he just met.

How selfish is that? I can't believe I'm jealous of his new friends, especially since I've been with him the longest.

He's never this loving and affectionate towards me. Yeah, he says thanks and he says he appreciates my help, but that's it. He never reaches out to me as much as I reach out to him. It's never as remotely close as to what he's describing his new friends with.

How can I expect a "you're the best", then?

How can I expect an "I love you"?

How can I expect a "you're my entire world?", or a "I want to be with you forever?"

It's dumb. The butterflies, the lingering gazes, the throat-clenching feelings that infest my heart, they're dumb. The thoughts of him maybe wanting something more to our relationship, the fact that I want to burst amd tell him these feelings every time I see him - they're all fucking dumb.

I can't afford to hang on to just one person's companionship for this long. I'm always the one wanting hugs and words of encouragement, and he never seems to need it, nor does he think I don't need it when I don't say it explicitly. I need more than one friend. I always say I don't need to depend on anyone, and that I don't the comfort and reassurance from anyone. I only need Brandon... which, I guess also applies when he finds people better than me.

But, despite it all, he's still my best friend.

All I want is comfort from him.

Especially right now.