Positive Regard

Chapter Twenty-Six

My phone rang in the middle of the night, so I reached over and picked it up. "Hello?"
"Rose?" One of my clients said.
"Yeah. Hey, Annie. What's going on?" I stifled a yawn and tried to sound like I hadn't just woken up. Bucky made an irritated noise and tightened his arm around me.
"Please don't be mad."
"I won't be mad. What's wrong?" I nudged Bucky, trying to make him move. She was drunk and wanted me to pick her up, I was sure.
"I... was drinking again, and I... will you come pick me up? Please?"
"Yeah. I'll be there in a bit. Where are you?"
"The same place I always am."
"All right. I'll be there in fifteen minutes, okay?" I pushed Bucky a little harder.
"Thank you, Rose. You're great. I'm sorry. So sorry."
"I know. I'll be there in a bit, okay?"
"Okay. Thank you."
I hung up and pushed Bucky off of me.
"Where are you going?" He put his arms back around me.
"To pick up a client."
"These aren't office hours."
"Let me up, Bucky."
"Please don't go." He mumbled.
"I have to. Let me up."
He sighed and moved his arms. "Turn on the light, then."
I got out of bed and went to the closet to get clothes. "Go back to sleep."
"I can't sleep without you. We need lamps in here."
I came out of the closet, jumping into sweatpants. I kissed his forehead. "Try to sleep, okay? I'll be back soon."
"Fine. Bring a jacket, doll."
I grabbed a jacket on my way out. I ran my fingers through my hair as I drove. I hadn't bothered looking in a mirror, so I was hoping I didn't look like the bride of Frankenstein or anything.
Annie was standing on the corner when I got there.
She got in after fumbling with the door. "Hey." She said casually.
"Hey. Are you okay?" I looked at her. She looked fine—I mean, she looked like a hussy, but it wasn't my place to judge.
"I'm fine. I just... didn't think I should drive."
"You're probably right." I agreed. She was seventeen. How did she even get into these places? Didn't they ID? "Are your parents home?"
She nodded.
"Are they?"
She shook her head.
"Is anybody home?"
She shook her head.
I almost sighed, but caught myself. "Do you wanna come stay at my place?" I asked. There were rules, of course, but. After all, I broke God's rules about life and death. Why follow man's rules?
"Can I?"
"No smoking. No drinking."
"Deal. I promise." She nodded quickly.
I drove. Bucky wasn't going to be happy with me.
"I'm really sorry, Rose." She said, sounding like she was crying. "I was just going to dinner but then we ended up there and I swear I wasn't going to drink but then I did, and I'm sorry. I didn't want you to know but I didn't know what else to do. I'm sorry, Rose. I really am sorry."
"I know, Annie. It's okay. We can talk about it in the morning, okay?" I glanced over at her.
She nodded.
When we got home, Bucky was obviously asleep. I guess in Romania, he'd learned to keep it quiet, and then in Steve's apartment he had to keep it quiet. Granny's house was far enough away from neighbors that keeping quiet wasn't really a necessity, but he still tried to stay quiet anyway.
"What's that noise?" Annie asked, her eyes wide.
"That would be my husband." I locked the door to the garage behind us. "He'll quiet down in a bit, it's okay." I really hadn't thought this through.
Her eyes were wide and scared. "Um.... is he... okay? Shouldn't you be, like... worried?"
"He'll be all right, don't worry. He has PTSD--Do you want water or food or anything?"
"No thank you. Are you sure he's okay?"
"He'll be fine. But I'm gonna get you some water."
I got her some and then she followed me down the hall. I pointed to our room. "I'll be in there. If you need anything, you should probably call instead of come get me."
She was crying, but I wasn't sure if it was because she was scared or worried, or still thinking I'd be mad at her. "Shouldn't you do something?"
"I will. Don't worry. I'll handle it." I opened the door at the end of the hall. "You can sleep in here. The bathroom's next door. Let me know if you need anything else, okay?"
She nodded. "Goodnight. Thank you."
"You're welcome." I smiled a bit and went to deal with Bucky. I got in bed beside him, reaching out and touching his arm lightly.
The next second, he'd pushed himself off the bed and was standing beside it, looking at me, dripping sweat, his arms out in front of him.
"Bucky, sweetie." I said gently, moving to sit up straight. "You're okay. You're home, with me. It's okay."
He swallowed hard and nodded. "I'm going to the bathroom."
I sat back against the headboard, closing my eyes and taking deep breaths. So that was what was going on inside Bucky's head every night? It was a miracle he slept at all. I wouldn't if I were him.
He came out of the bathroom and looked at the floor, pulling on the sleeves of his shirt. "I'm gonna go sleep in the guest room." He said, almost timidly.
"No, Bucky. Come get in bed, baby."
"With you?"
"With me."
"No."
"Do you wanna talk about anything, love?" I got out of bed and came over to him. I was so tired.
He shook his head. "No. Goodnight."
I didn't say anything as he walked away.
His hand lingered on the doorknob for a second. "Can I kiss you?" He didn't lift his head.
"Can you tell me why you can kiss me but not lay in bed with me?"
He turned the doorknob.
"Come here, Bucky. You can kiss me."
He turned and came back to me, touching his lips to mine.
"Bucky?"
"I'm a monster."
"You're a lot of things, but that isn't one of them. Come here, love. You don't have to stay, but can you at least kiss me before you go?"
Bucky came over and pressed his lips to my forehead. "I don't get it, Rosie. Why do you still love me?"
"Can I hug you?"
He nodded.
I wrapped my arms around him, putting my head on his chest. I could hear his heart beating quickly. "There's no reason for me not to, baby."
He moved my arms from around him. I thought he was going to leave, but he knelt down beside the bed and wrapped his arms around my waist, putting his head down on my lap. "I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry."
"Everything's okay." I whispered, running my fingers through his hair. After a while of silence, I patted his head. "Come on. Get in bed."
"You want me back?" He lifted his head and looked up at me.
"Very much so. Also, you can't sleep in the guest room. There's a teenage girl in there. You can go to the back bedroom, though, if you want."
He sighed and stood up. "You can't keep picking up strays, doll."
"You were fine when it was Steve." I smiled.
"This is a one night thing, right?" He climbed over me to get to his side of the bed.
"Yes. She's a child, wasted, and no one's at her house."
"Are you allowed to bring her here?"
"Does it matter?"
"No, I guess not. Are kids allowed to drink?"
"No. But it's not like you never did."
"Me? Never."
"Yeah, uh-huh. Hush and go to bed." I smiled, reaching over and elbowing him.
He got under the covers and moved onto my side, wrapping an arm around me. "Goodnight, doll."
"Goodnight."