The lost kardashian

My eating disorder

I stood in front of the mirror trying to take a selfie to post on Snapchat. I'm not wearing the best outfit, but I'm going to be on an airplane for a long time so it should just be comfy. I got a picture and posted it on Snapchat with the text "heading somewhere tropical, can you guess where?". When I had post it I decided to plan what to eat today. I opened up my calorie counting app and started. Breakfast: Oatmeal, milk, and fresh fruit, 328 calories. 

I have had a couple of eating disorders, and nobody knows about it. The first one I got when I was 12 years old. It was basically Anorexia (didn't get a diagnosis but same "symptoms"). I was trying to avoid all food and starved myself. My goal was to become as thin as possible, and I succeed since I ended up at the hospital.

Then when I was 13 I got bulimia (didn't got a diagnosis then either, but it makes everything easier to explain it with those names). I binged pretty much everyday, and then threw up almost after every binge. I'm surprised that my family didn't notice about that I might had an eating disorder those times, I guess they didn't really care. 

When I was 14 I got better from the eating disorders. I didn't think of food very often, didn't count calories, I could keep going but I think you get it, I was healthy. 

When turned fifteen something changed. I began to lose control over things, and getting complexes about my body. I started to control the food by counting calories, eating raw, eating healthy (if something is slightly unhealthy I won't eat it), working out all the time. I started seeing results and getting compliments, so I just kept going. I started to like what I saw to. The first two months was basically a honeymoon. But after that, things turned bad. I'm obsessed with food right now and I don't know what to do. It controls almost my every thought. If I eat something I shouldn't I get panic. I'm losing more and more weight and I don't want to. But gaining weight is one of my biggest fears. I basically just try to avoid food. But even though I'm controlling the food I feel like I'm loosing more and more control. And also I want my family to notice that I have lost weight. Everyone on social media are noticing it, but why don't my family? Whatever, I will fight through his alone, I'm used to it. And I'm really proud over myself for not relapsing with throwing up, last time was over one year ago.

-Kenza, we're leaving now! My mom yelled

-Coming! Bora bora here I come