The Fault in Our Infinities

Chapter 20: Coaxing Reassurance

"He's alive."

The words sweep over me, drowning me in relief I never thought I'd feel. I sag against the wall, closing my eyes, dizzied by the calm that has cleared my breathing and slowed my heart.

He's alive.

I'm not a murderer. The thought plays over my mind again and again, a repetitive stream of words until they blur together and all I can think is: I'm not evil.

Augustus looks at me and I inhale sharply. He's still cold and closed off, nothing like the boy I know. There's no hint of the playful Gus I've fallen in love with. I just stare at him, completely frozen by his expression. Have I lost him? Does he hate me? I hope to God he doesn't. I can't bear the thought of losing him, of having Augustus Waters be only the name of a person I used to know.

"Gus?" I say, my voice quivering slightly. "I…"

"Just go and get some help, Hazel." He says, and he looks away from me, the muscles in his jaw clenching. I feel like he's just punched a hole in my chest. I feel like I'm sinking, like there's no one able to save me, like I'm submerged in water and I can't breathe…

"I'll go." Mum says and I snap out of my depressing reverie to see her stride across the room. "If he wakes up, run."

Augustus makes a sound. It's something between disbelief and dark humour. "Somehow, I really don't think that's going to happen any time soon."

I just stare at him, slumped against the wall.

Mum goes, leaving the door ajar. I know she left it so we can make a quick escape if we need to, but Augustus is right. Zac isn't stirring and it's unlikely he'll wake just yet.

The silence is thick. Just when I think I can't bear it anymore, he says, "I'm not mad at you."

"You're not?"

He closes his eyes. "I don't hate you, Hazel Grace." He says and his voice cracks. "I know you're thinking that; I can read you like a book. But I don't."

I close my eyes, tipping my head against the wall, my eyes averted from the unconscious body on the bed; the unspoken elephant in the room. I feel so tired, so drained. Today has been the worst day of my life. It stands in contrast to yesterday, which was the best. I can still feel the lingering trace of Augustus' lips on mine, sweet. But I can feel Zac's hands on my skin, burning me, hurting me, overshadowing that which is pure and good. Conflicting emotions, the pleasure and the pain, and I'm not so sure which will come out on top.

The rest of the day passes in a haze. Some people come upstairs, enter the room, scream – or in one case, vomit – and then they all move too quickly for me to track. The Dubai police question me, their language blurring in my ears until eventually Mum stops the interview process and their translator falls silent and I am left to wander…not alone, but almost.

The Dubai police have taken Zac into custody – I didn't have to witness him waking – and will send him on the first flight back to the UK, along with a criminal report that gives responsibility of the case to the authorities at home. Despite this news, the police have assigned to me a personal bodyguard which serves as a constant reminder to both me and Augustus' family of what happened. I want to forget it, wish I could. But striking a man unconscious with a vase is not something you easily disregard.

I still remember his blood on my hands.

It feels like days until I see Augustus again, though I know it's only hours. He went out for a walk when the police were interviewing me, and I haven't heard from him since. No text. No message or voicemail. He left hours ago.