I feel so empty. My heart it aches for something that I can never find. My head is full of things that scare even me. People whisper and look at me with pity when I walk by. Why is she broken? They ask. "Can she just be happy?"
I feel ashamed in myself. I don't know why I'm like this. I don't know why it always hurts, but it does. Sometimes it doesn't stop and the pain just gets worse until I feel as if I'm having a heart attack. I feel the literal emptiness and pain in my chest. I feel as if the whole world is caving in and everything is wrong.
Yet nothing has happened. I look around and everyone has continued with what they were doing while I break down. Why can't I be like them? Why must I be crazy? Why am I not good enough?
I can't stop the pain. It won't stop. Some people make me laugh and it eases just a little bit. For a split second, I forget everything. I forget all the pain and I'm alive. And then 5 seconds later, I'm gone. I'm back in the darkness. Some days it doesn't matter who is around. Some days nobody helps the pain that continues to build in my heart.
Why am I so sad?
Mostly I feel like nobody cares. They just want me to be like them. They want be to be normal. They don't want to wake up anymore at 3 in the morning to hear a broken cry fill the room next door. They don't want my crazy anymore. Yet when I open up, they laugh and when I talk, they don't listen. Nobody listens when I talk. So I stopped talking. My eyes hold the truth and I'm just waiting for the day someone sees what they have to say. I'm waiting for someone to stop and ask me, "How are you really?" I'm waiting for the day when I tell people "I'm just tired" that someone doesn't just let me brush them off. I'm waiting for the day I can break down and someone will be there. Yet, I always have and always will be alone. Maybe that is why my heart always hurts. I know I'm destined to be alone. I know that no matter how much good I do, it won't replace the bad that I did. It won't fix anything. And it won't fix me. Nothing and nobody could. I am broken beyond repair and I don't even know why. I just am. And I always will be.
