Espresso Love (A Dystopian Japan Novel) #Wattys2014

Black Box

From somewhere distant in the black swirls of my sleep, I think I hear Shizuka's voice. It whispers in through my head formless like a ghost. Maybe there's a ghost in the box. Maybe I'm the ghost.

But I know I had terminated her contract along with mine. I would no longer be perceiving the world in symphonic embryonic union with hers. I would not hear her voice again. It saddened me, yet I knew it had to be done at the time. Maybe I shouldn't have. But her existence couldn't just be surrendered to an organization on my watch, with my body as the channel. I would not give her away - us away - to someone else.

But yet, there it is again, it's still here.

It's dark, it says.

It sounds like me. But sounds like Shizuka. And sounds like Shirayuki. I freeze and say nothing.

I've come to like the dark. Do you like the dark?

I say nothing.

The dark is something I've become used to. There are the extremes of darkness and of light. There's nothing in between. Either right or wrong. It makes more sense to believe you're wrong sometimes. You're the devil, the darkness tells us. It's easier that way.

I say nothing.

You just have to listen and let them do whatever they want to you. It's better that way. No need for anything else.

I say nothing.

Just be a part of the darkness. Even in the light, I try not to see. There's nothing to see really.

It sounds like me, but it sounds like Shizuka.

How long have you been here?

I have trouble understanding. So for a while I don't reply. There's not even the sound of breathing. I am almost certain these words had always existed, since the beginning of time, and had no definite source. I touch my fingers to my lips. Finally, I break the silence: not long, but it seems long, like an eternity had passed, I say. But I don't know if I'm saying anything at all. My voice feels inadequate and small in the darkness.

Is this how they treat all their prisoners? I ask.

There's much worse to come.

Like what?

You become nothing, you become a ghost. A real ghost. Nothing left inside you. Absolutely nothing. They drain you. With special ways. That's what they do to people who have something alive within them.

Are you a ghost?

Hmm, I don't know. Like I said you become nothing, a real nothing, not some pretense or impression of nothingness. Nothingness is a confusing thing sometimes. Sometimes you can think you are nothing or you are in a sea of nothingness, but it's not really nothing. But these people, they can really make you nothing. You lose everything. So I don't even really understand the concept of ghost or what that means. It just happened to come from my mouth.

If it came from your mouth, surely there's still something remaining inside you. You don't sound stupid, you sound quite eloquent for a nothing.

Maybe, but impressions can be deceiving. I don't know anymore, in my mind, it's just black like this place. I'm just describing what's in my mind. Which is nothing.

There's some silence. Then I respond: but simply talking about this nothingness in words is something already.

Sure, maybe I'm not completely nothing yet, since they are still keeping me here. I guess their job isn't done. Maybe in a while, I don't know how long, I will really be a nothing and then you will be able to tell. A pile of silent flesh. But by that time, you'll probably be on your way too. So you wouldn't understand. We all just take our turn.