Because Purple EXTRAS - more Ed & Kate!

Refuel - a One Shot

Ed's POV

I hate this.

She hasn't been sleeping well for a long time.  If lucky, she'll get 4-5 hours of broken sleep per night, and it's been like this for months.   I don't know how she can function throughout the day, but she somehow does.

She's up early, cares for the kids -including the baby - in all the right ways (she's almost hyper-vigilant about it, actually), manages the household, and works over 30 hours a week.  But lately she has a haunted, shadowed look behind her eyes, behind the dark circles that still peeks out through her makeup...when she wears it. 

She's stopped running, too - says she's too tired.  Yet I'm sure she's losing weight because she barely eats a thing.

It's like...the woman I love has become a shadow of herself.

I didn't even notice it happening at first.  She's good at putting up a convincing act in front of everyone.  She's still doing everything that requires doing.  She's going through the motions.   But she's not herself.

I don't think her inability to sleep is the actual problem, but it's a symptom of something bigger.  I don't think she's physically ill, although if this keeps up she may soon be.  I think it's emotional.  I'm only just realizing that she's most likely quite depressed.  I wonder if it could be postpartum depression.  But Daisy was born almost four months ago, so this seems kind of late for the onset...unless she's been hiding it better than I've realized.

We've always talked a lot in bed - before we fall asleep at night, after we wake up in the morning, or sometimes even in the middle of the night.  Obviously we talk at plenty of other times, too, but some of the best conversations we've had have occurred in our bed.  It's like our safe place - our home base.  We learn more about each other there than anywhere else.  But lately, that's virtually stopped, too.  I do still try - I always ask her about her day, or her thoughts on all kinds of things.  I want to know about Nate and Lucy.  I want every little detail about Daisy.  I still ask questions about her family, her past, her work, or whatever she might be reading or watching on TV.  I try to share stories about my day, or my opinions and feelings, things I hear, hoping she's open to sharing or even just listening.  But she usually just smiles - a smile that doesn't reach her eyes - and politely deflects any real dialogue with short, vague, unsatisfying responses.  I miss that connection very, very much.

One area of exception is sex.  It still happens almost as often as always, and is as good as it always has been.  I've been doing most of the initiating lately, but she seems just as into it, both physically and mentally, as I am, and as she ever had been.  It's the only time we're emotionally connected at all lately.  The underlying sentiments seems to be of connection and assurance - on both of our parts.  Without words, but with every one of our touches, kisses, gazes and breaths we promise each other I'm still here for you.

I am worried about her and I'm not sure what to do.  The other day I mentioned that maybe she could see someone, like a doctor or a therapist for help.  But she just shrugged and silently shook her head.  She wasn't upset by the suggestion, I don't think...it was more like she was really sad and uncertain and unable to motivate herself.

It's so hard to see her going through this.

I keep a journal - kind of like a diary.  I've been doing it for years - since I was a boy, really.  Mostly I just record what's going on in my life at the moment, whether it be a place I visit or a show I play, or a night out with mates...that sort of thing.  Sometimes I jot down some lyrics, but usually that goes right into my phone or laptop.  More often, I refer back to it for song ideas, because I always write down anything that leaves an impression on me.  I wrote about Kate after that first morning we found ourselves together.  She definitely left an impression on me.  Literally all I knew about her then was her first name, and that she was gorgeous and had a bangin' body (which I couldn't help but notice because all she was wearing was a small t-shirt and panties), and that she seemed quite mortified by the situation we found ourselves in once we woke up.  What a day that turned out to be.