Rants

Twilight

Warning:  Spoiler Allerts!  Also, there are references to the reproductive system in this chapter in ways that may be considered innopropriate. Read at your own risk.

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Okay, where do I start.  Twilight.  I'll admit, I used to like these books.  I was pretty obsessed, until middle school opened my eyes to much better  books.  Yes, middle school.  I read Breaking Dawn in 5th grade, and why that may be considred too young for a book that has the s-e-x word in it, I didn't mind it so much.  I've read much worse.  It's almost funny to consider that book innapropriate after reading a lot of other things.  But that's not what really pisses me off about that series.  

First, Edward.  I don't care how hot he is, he's a 100 year old virgin who likes watching adolecent girls sleep.  And somehow, Bella finds that romantic.  No.  Just  no.  If a guy told me he's been watching me sleep for  the past several months, I would look at him in horror, run, and then never speak with him again.  All the more so if he was 100 years old.  He also follows her around to make sure she's safe.  I don't want anyone following me around wherever I go, and if Bella was sane she wouldn't either.

Second, Jacob.  Does this guy have a life besides falling in love with infants?  He seems to never go to high school, and even with his "pack" all he can think about is Bella.  In Breaking Dawn, he mentions a girl he met in the park.  She's pretty, nice, and knows cars.  Yet, the sole purpose of her being in the book is to say how it's impossible for Jacob to fall in love with someone who's not a) married or b) less than a day old.  However you may say that Jacob imprinting on Renesmee is not pedophilic, that he's going to be like a big brother to her, think  about it this way.  Eventually, they are going to have sex.  That's what imprinting is. It's to give the werewolf gene the best chance of being passed on.  He's just biding his time, making her comfortable with him, probably getting real mad at anyone she has a crush on, untill she's old enough to mate with.  That is sick. 

Third, Renesmee.  She's generecly impossible.  I don't know how good Stephenie Myres sex-ed  class was, or maybe she  didn't take it, but if Edward has no blood flowing in his body, how is he going to have an erection?  And even if, since he's as hard as granite, he somehow either doesn't need one, or constantely has one (how embarresing!), if he isn't human enough to have to use the bathroom, he's not human enough to concieve a child.  Girl vampires can't change enough to have their periods, and Edward's body has to change for him to impregnate Bella.  Also, Bella theoredically had sex with a rock.  But  that's not all that's wrong with Renesmee.  If she's human enough for Jacob to imprint on, it's implied  her womb is fertile and she can concieve a child.  To concieve a child, she has to get her period.  First, when would she get it, if she ages super quickly?  If she's immortal, will it ever stop?  Second, she drinks blood.  How will she deal when it's leaking from her body?  Third, it describes her skin as being hard.  How will her uterus expand, to fit a baby?  Would the baby drink blood, in edition to being a werewolf?  If it doesn't, would it nurse?  How?

Fourth, Bella.  What does Edward do, in the first book, when she's on her period?  He isn't able to resist the scent of her fresh blood until late in the first book, what does he do until then?  And what does Jasper, who can't resist a paper cut, do when the girls at school are bleeding?  300 kids, stands to  reason there is going to be at least one girl on her period at all times.  But that's not the worst part about Bella.  She's described as being utterly ordinary, and yet seems to be the most perfect character I've ever read about.  What are her flaws again, other than her innability to choose between two, "perfect" guys?  She says that she is "now complete" after she met Edward.  She's supposed to be a role model, and she says that she wasn't complete without a 100 year old perfect virgin stalker boyfriend.  Who as HISHE says, is "like a recovering drug addict, who's dating crack."  He compares her to food and beverage, for god's sake!  I don't want to be compared to the most delicios snack, or to a  perfectly aged bottle of whiskey.  It's just not right.  Especially if your boyfriend thirsts for your blood.  Also, in Breaking Dawn it's revealed that he can heal cuts with his tounge, as it's coated with venom.  He does this to close venom into her body, to change her into a vampire.  Maybe he hadn't used this before because trace amount of venom would get into her bloodstream and change her, but I seem to remember very grafic makeout scenes, where if he didn't actually stick his tounge in her mouth, he definetely licks her lips.  Then wouldn't she potentially lick her lips after, and change into a vampire?  Hmm?

So, all in all, this is a flawed book. In my opinion, even if you're looking for one of those cheesy, easy read romances, you should pick a different one.  But by all means, read twilight!  Do what you want.  But be warned, you probably should not criticize the books if you haven't read them.  That's just not fair.

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Hey guys!  It's the same updater that's updated all the other chapters too!  If you dissagree with some of my opinions, and think you have a valid point in favor of twilight, feel free to comment.  Don't just say "how dare you hate on twilight!"  I respect your opinion, and would appreciate it if you wold do the same.  Also, this rant does not apply to BooBear, who loves twilight (Though I suspect mostly because of Robert Pattenson).  Anyway, Vote, Comment, Fan, yadda yadda.  Update soon!