Behind His Life

5

I was pretending to drink the coffee because calories are scary these days. I'm counting more calories than a teen girl. My wife gave me the coffee in the first place because I was dozing off into the salad but not only am I trying to cut out dairy I am also cutting out caffeine. I know that I am the only new parent to twins saying this but I have drank so much coffee when Otis was a baby that I shouldn't ever sleep again.

I am still cutting myself up and keeping a journal that is so dark that it almost sounds fake.

Before we leave to leave I get the diaper bag ready and also I get the things that all three babies need to go to bed. I get Berlin in her carseat while Anna got Parker in her and after we got our shoes on and I grabbed Otis' hand we were off to Joe's.

When we got there we were welcomed and hugged. Me and Anna took Berlin and Parker out of their carseats and asked if anyone wanted to hold them, Jamie said that he wanted to hold one and Lila was interested in what her brother was holding. At two years old Lila Grace Bennington is showing she has her father's interest filled personality.

When I look at the kids playing together I see something that have been in the back of my mind when we started the band. Otis starts playing with the other kids his age. Berlin wanted me to be in the chest carrier and I stupidly forgot where I put the second one. When I found it I put her in it and sat on the couch and fell asleep. I never moved Berlin because I don't want to mess this up. Chester woke me up when it was lunch and I went to the table Berlin still on my chest in the carrier and I never got embarrassed.

Berlin loved to be held in the carrier so I wasn't being a bad parent right now but at the same time I was giving my daughter what she wanted. I am always in conflict with what I do and what I am thinking.

When we are done eating or should I say when I was done picking at my food and eating one bite and Chester, the band, Anna was giving me a never ending lecture about what I am doing to myself in my own head while I feel a weight on my chest but glance down and see Berlin.

I kept calm for once not knowing that I was making myself worst in the process. I excuse myself to go outside to clear my head. I go to Joe's backyard with Berlin and I said to Berlin,

"Baby girl, you don't know how much your daddy has messed up in his life. You life is a week and a half new and my life is 36 years changed by everyone that thought that they had the right to change me. If you look at pictures of your daddy with different colour hair and weird fashion choices remember that it was someone else changing him and making people like him for his looks. I would like you to know that no matter how many people try to change me I won't let them change you".

After I spoke my mind to my newborn daughter I went back inside. Anna told me that Parker was crying for me so I gave Berlin to Anna and she passes me Parker.
I put Parker in the carrier and she stops crying.

I looked at my daughter for a bit and just thought about how such a beautiful thing can be mine.