It was all just a blur.
As unfortunate as this is to admit, I don't remember the details of any of the days that followed that one, the trip and the swimming night.
The next day, we went back home. That was June 23rd.
I'm betting that the reason I can't remember anything distinct about the last week of June 2018 is because there was nothing distinct about it.
I should be able to tell you guys all about how everything went wrong. What happened that brought me to this moment. What happened period.
But I can't. I can't remember what happened, why after June 22nd everything just went to shit all of a sudden. I don't remember how or why it happened, just that it did.
June 23rd was my older brother's birthday. He was twenty years old. I missed him so much. The simpler times, when he didn't spend his summer all the way in New York, a place that only reminds me of tragedy. And I never understood why he kept going back there.
"For pride" Steven would say.
New York has one of the most extravagant pride celebrations in the country. He liked the vibes. He liked the city. But I didn't understand how any of that could trump the devastation our family once faced there.
While I don't remember how Chase and I went from sliding down water slides laughing our hearts out to a place with no understanding and no care, I remember what happened after.
Something must've happened, and maybe it was me and my paranoia spinning out cause he hadn't made an effort since that night. Maybe it was my friends who couldn't take a single day off without blowing up at him. For what? I don't know. I tried so hard to stop them, and they ignored me. They cared too much. While Chase's lack of effort was destructive, my friends' overdone effort was equally as destructive in the end.
Danny was still missing. That was also the tea, sis. On the night of the 23rd at the pool, she decided she was going to send him a message. If he really wasn't hurt or worse, dead, he might just answer her if he knew that she really did want him and not Chase.
But he never answered her. And she was hysterical about it.
Two days later, another twitter fight broke out. And we were the victims.
My friends, as per usual, were out tweeting in my defense. It was the everyday, you began to expect it kind of thing.
"Jackie didn't do this."
"We didn't ask for this."
"He lied to her."
"Empty promises."
"We're fighting for her because she can't fight for herself."
"He did this to her."
"He isn't broken, she is."
"He doesn't give half a shit."
"Jackie didn't do anything."
Same old, same old. And surprisingly enough, I wasn't on their side. I fought Cameron, Emma, Jensen, both Emily's and all my friends. I wanted them to stop attacking Chase. Knowing what happened to him with Harvey, I wanted nothing more for life to be easier for him, even if it meant making things an awful lot harder for myself.
And I got attacked for that. Everyone told me I needed to worry about me instead of the person who hurt me. But that wasn't how my heart worked. I cared so fucking much about Chase, it clouded my judgement. His well being was all that matter to me. All. There was nothing else. It was as if I stopped existing to my own self. He was everything. He was all that mattered.
