7.5 - Asuka's Fears (Short)

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This short clip takes place after Asuka finds Shinji and Kaworu in her room
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"Are you... you know..." she hesitated. "Gay?"

"No!" Shinji blurted.

"Then why are you dressed like that?" Asuka continued, her voice rising slightly. He was wearing a dress that belonged neither to her nor Misato. Had Nagisa given it to him? Or had he borrowed it from Ayanami? The thought made her sick. "Is it because of me?" and then, to save what little dignity she had left, "I mean, I hate your guts, but I didn't exactly want to turn you off women forever or anything." She glanced subtly at him, hoping he wouldn't see through her act.

"It's not like that," he mumbled.

"Then what is it?"

"I don't..."

"Come on, spit it out!"

"It makes me feel pretty, okay?" Shinji shouted.

A ringing silence followed his words. They stared at each other. It was sickening, seeing him dressed like a girl. It wasn't some clumsy amalgamation of Misato's clothes and makeup anymore; the dress he wore fit him perfectly, and there wasn't a smudge of makeup out of place. Had Nagisa done all this?

"So," Asuka said, quietly. "you're gay."

"No," said Shinji. He looked down at the floor, his hands clenched at his side. "It's just... it makes me feel good. Wearing makeup and dresses and stuff." He looked up suddenly. "You know what I'm talking about! You do it all the time at school. You know, that thing you do with your hair."

Asuka narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "What thing I do with my hair?"

"You know, that thing where your flip it over your shoulder because you know a boy's watching. Or when you flap your shirt to make your-"

"I do that because I'm hot, idiot!" she snapped, interrupting him. "It's gotta be, like, a hundred degrees in our classroom these days! I don't do stuff like that to get attention! What are you, stupid?"

"Well, everyone notices you when you do that," Shinji continued. "Even me."

Asuka blushed, taken aback. He really noticed those things?

"It's just that I wish people would look at me that way, too." he said, sadly.

Asuka could hear the blood pounding in her ears, but it was from a different kind of panic now. "You and Nagisa weren't doing anything weird in my room, then?" she asked, tentatively.

"No. He was just helping me with the makeup."

Asuka felt her heart plummet. Nagisa was in on it after all. That's why he told her to stay away from Shinji.

"You won't tell Misato, will you?" Shinji added, watching her fearfully.

Asuka shrugged. She put her hands on her hips and looked away disinterestedly. "Maybe."

"I'm really sorry I went in your room," Shinji continued, miserably. "I won't do it again, I promise."

"You're sure you're not gay or anything?" Asuka prompted. She had to know the truth. If he was gay, then that was it. The end. He would never want to hold her, or care for her, or any of that. Her heart pounded against her ribs. She never remembered feeling fear quite like this before. "Because you have to tell me right now if you are."

          

"No." said Shinji. "Really, Asuka, I'm not."

"Not even for Nagisa?"

"No!"

Asuka hadn't realized how tense her muscles were until the moment they relaxed. It was like a massive weight had been lifted from her chest, allowing her to breath freely and easily again. Shinji still liked girls. He wasn't gay or anything, he was just being stupid Shinji. Stupid, stupid Shinji.

"Don't have any regrets."

Asuka found herself smiling. "Okay, then." she said. "Next time you need help with makeup or whatever, why don't you ask me?"

Shinji stared at her. "Ask... you?"

Asuka rolled her eyes. Couldn't he for once just take a hint? "Look, idiot, Nagisa's not allowed in my room under any circumstances, but if you need help or want to borrow something or whatever, ask me and I'll help you."

Shinji mulled this over for a moment. "You mean... if I want to-"

"Yes," said Asuka, impatiently. "If you want to borrow makeup or whatever, I'll help you put it on."

"But why?"

"Why?" Asuka snapped. Because I don't want anyone to steal you away from me. Because I don't want you to hate me anymore. Because I want to help you. Because I like you. "Because Nagisa doesn't know crap about making you look good. That dress is hideous, by the way. Looks like something Ayanami would wear. You didn't pick it out, did you?"

Shinji was spared the embarrassment of answering when someone knocked on the door. Asuka looked around. It was probably Misato.

"Just stall her for a minute, okay?" Shinji called, bolting back into Asuka's room.

Asuka strode purposefully to the door. She didn't care if Misato was going to punish her or if Shinji would hear their inevitable argument and guess what had happened at the hotel. None of that mattered now. Asuka wouldn't let any of that bother her any more. She wrenched open the door, ready to meet her fate.

It was Rei Ayanami.

"Is Shinji-kun home?" she asked.

Asuka gaped at her. She was wearing the exact same dress Shinji had on.

"Shinji overheard him when he was talking to Rei. I think he's jealous of all the attention he's been giving her."

She suddenly remembered what Misato had said during their last sync test, and now it made sense. It was no wonder she had mistaken Shinji for Ayanami earlier. They were the same build, the same height. Even their hair was similar, albeit differently colored. Was Shinji's sudden fascination with wearing women's clothes just some sick attempt at one-upping Ayanami at getting more of his father's attention? Maybe she didn't have him figured out as well as she thought.

"Is Shinji-kun home?" Ayanami repeated.

"W-What?" Asuka stammered. She shook herself mentally. "Sorry. Yeah, he's here. Why?"

"I would like to speak with him. May I come inside?"

Asuka hesitated. If she told Ayanami he was sleeping or something, she would go away and Shinji would never know she was here. Asuka had been hoping she and Shinji could talk things over a little more and she couldn't do that with Ayanami snooping around.

"I... guess..." Asuka said, haltingly. If Shinji found out she'd sent Ayanami away that would only give him a reason to hate her. She stepped aside.

Ayanami sat down at the kitchen table.

"He was just getting ready for bed." said Asuka, leaning against the wall and crossing her arms. "He probably doesn't want to talk to anyone."

"Oh," said Ayanami. "I'm sorry. I won't be long."

Shinji came back into the kitchen at that point, devoid of makeup and wearing his school clothes.

"Shinji-kun," said Ayanami, standing up. "I am sorry, you were probably getting ready for bed."

Asuka's stony expression twitched into one of exasperated annoyance. What was with her, acting all considerate and crap?

"No," said Shinji. "It's fine. Is something wrong?"

Ayanami shook her head. "Can we talk? Outside?"

Asuka huffed loudly and rolled her eyes. Okay, forget Nagisa. Ayanami was the one to watch out for.

"Sure," said Shinji. "Asuka, I'll be right back."

"Mm-hm." said Asuka tersely. She didn't look at him as he passed.

Once they were both gone, Asuka dropped her arms to her side. Nothing would be the same after this. Even if Shinji's crossdressing wasn't the apocalyptic event Asuka had made it out to be, things would still be different between them. They would be closer, hopefully. Maybe they wouldn't fight as much. Maybe things would be a little better. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Asuka went into her room. Shinji's dress was lying on her bed and her makeup was pulled out and scattered over the top of her vanity. She ignored these things, however, and pulled the red, strawberry-patterned dress out of the trash bin, along with the crushed straw hat. She brushed it off and hung it up in her closet. She let out a long sigh, tears starting to well up in her eyes. The once brash and bold girl was now reduced to her pitiful feelings for a boy.

Maybe, someday when she was helping Shinji to look like someone he was not, she would ask him out on a date and finally fulfill the lifelong fantasies she had of the male.

And maybe he would say yes.

Either way, she would still ask. And she wouldn't have any regrets.

She wiped a tear from her cheek and walked over to her small bed, staring at Shinji's dress. There was a harrowing feeling she had. A feeling of sadness and disgust. Asuka picked up the feminine clothing article and tossed to the side before laying on the mattress, face shoved into her pillow.

Muffled sobs escaped her throat and her body twitched with the actions. She didn't want to lose her Shinji.

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