Black Pearl ♥︎ jjk + myg

2- he knows

playlist; https://open.spotify.com/user/qp94b0ir6clwk7i976uu9qz3p/playlist/0SthDdkUx6TWFEzxFKNRyb?si=KFtcmgIBTCiicqs7t_548g

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Jeongguk clenched his teeth, he kept on his smile as Taehyung talked with him. The usual smile, warm and happy. A smile you'd show to your boyfriend naturally. You'd hold their hand, kiss them, listen to what they say. You wouldn't be thinking about another man because that was beyond the line.

"So that's how it went," Taehyung said. Jeongguk smiled wider, if possible. He kept his calm on, counting slowly inside his head. "That's so you, hyung. I'm sure the professor will love your project." Taehyung blushed to the compliment, resting his head to the neck of the other, telling more about his day. They laid down like that on the floor.

Jeongguk laid still. He was used to this whole routine. They would gather and have their weekly breakfasts at one of their dorm or house. Hoseok would cook something for them, or sometimes Seokjin and Yoongi, or Namjoon would prepare cereals for all of them. This was a routine they would do every Saturday, eating together like the real families. A perfect family, Jeongguk thought, looking at the couple on the couch. Yoongi and Hoseok were watching a movie, probably romantic for the fucking couple amen. Hoseok was focused on the movie, his head resting on Yoongi's shoulder.

Jeongguk knew he should have averted his gaze already, but he was caught in the man. Just like a fish on a hook, he was trapped. He couldn't take his eyes off the older's lips, eyes... Anything, everything about the older fascinated Jeongguk. How could people call him cold? Or even dare to say heartless? There he sat, where he was in front of Jeongguk's eyes, a man with the biggest and warmest heart he had ever seen. Other didn't know what Jeongguk knew, they didn't see what he saw. They never witnessed Yoongi crying. They never felt the softness of his hand, the warmth of his lips. Those who talked badly of Min Yoongi knew nothing about him, Jeongguk did. Jeongguk knew the warmth of his lips, how soft his eyes could look, how he always carried dog food on his bag for stray animals. How he got Jeongguk within his fingers.

Jeongguk knew Taehyung was still talking, and the lines from the movie were loud, impossible to not hear. But he heard nothing. Whenever he looked at Yoongi, the world seemed to stop. All the chaos suddenly disappeared, every single thought in his mind shut down, every fiber on his body burned. Jeongguk knew he was nothing special, nothing exciting or someone to lust after. He was just Jeongguk, an 18 years old teen trying to survive his senior year, who got excited about dinner, who refused to eat an apple unless it was bunny shape cut. Nothing special, just Jeongguk. But Yoongi made him feel special, he made him feel like one in a million. A goldfish in the sea, caught by Yoongi.

He kept his gaze on Yoongi for too long, he reminded himself. He was going to get caught, their eyes were going to meet. Jeongguk knew very well, like how he knew the back of his hand, that it was going to happen. Their eyes were going to meet, Jeongguk was going to be left speechless when his hyung's eyes looked at his own, his hands were going to start to sweat, his ears were going to get red, his body was going to be made of fire. Yoongi was going to turn his eyes away because Jeongguk was nothing but a fish, he was not equal to Yoongi, he was just a small fish that needed attention and protection from the older. He wasn't standing next to Yoongi, no, it was Hoseok that stood next to the older, Jeongguk was behind them, cursed to watch. He knew, he knew what would happen yet he still looked. He didn't break his gaze, he kept looking.

And Yoongi looked at him, as Jeongguk knew would happen. His hands sweat, his body burned, his ears were red. Yoongi stared, his face not showing any reaction as if he was expecting. As if he knew. Jeongguk could feel each breath he took burning inside his throat down to his lungs. He knew he was walking on a thin line when Yoongi averted his gaze back to the screen. And like that, all the magic came to an end. The chaos, the sadness inside him, the lump stuck in his throat; they all came back.

He turned his head back to his left, towards Taehyung, as it should be. He listened to him (it seemed that his exam was hard and cafeteria food sucked), he listened to the sounds coming from the movie. He just laid there, next to Taehyung. Stop it, he reminded himself, before its too late.

Yet, he heard Yoongi repeating the lines from the movie very clearly. It didn't matter how quiet he said those words, or if he whispered, Jeongguk always heard every word that came out of that mouth.

"I think we're just gonna have to be secretly in love with each other," Yoongi whispered. "and leave it at that."

Leave it at that, Jeongguk repeated back inside his heart for hundred times. It should be enough with what he has, yet he lusted for something else. Something that wasn't his, something he could never get. He lusted to be equal to Yoongi, to stand next to him, to be the one receiving those touches.

Jeongguk felt his chest hurt more and more, the lump in his throat getting bigger. He stood up, walking towards the hall.

"Jeongguk?" Yoongi asked, looking at him. He did what he did best, he put on his smile. "Just going to the toilet, hyung."

He walked to the bathroom, each step faster than the before. He was about to get inside and get rid of the tears slowly appearing before a hand held his arm and stopped him.

"Don't," Seokjin said. Seokjin always knew. He always read trough Jeongguk as if he was transparent, he could pick the sadness from his smiles easily.

"I know," Jeongguk whispered. Seokjin pulled both of them inside the bathroom, locking the door. He pulled the younger into a hug.

"You're going to get hurt," Seokjin reminded him softly, his fingers combing his hair. Jeongguk buried his face deeper into their oldest hyung's shoulder, letting his tears fall, pushing away all the fake smiles and act.

"I know," he repeated, his voice cracking. Seokjin placed a small kiss on his head.

"I know how you feel, I know it very well, you can be sure. I know it hurts each second and it burns, I know how hard it is each day. You can't keep doing this to yourself, gukkie. You're already hurt, it won't get better, you'll get hurt more. Just-" Seokjin sighed as he bit on his lips, hugging the younger boy tighter.

"It's just that sometimes you gotta let go. You could love one another, you could care, yet you need to let go when it hurts."

Jeongguk let out a quiet sob.

"I know," he said. "but i can't." 

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